Page 57 of Fast Forward

“Told them Lex Luther would be after them otherwise. Nah, I asked them if their insurance covered complications from having a baby born without medical assistance on the road they were holding up.”

“Good one,” Jason replied, his hands on the steering wheel and eyes back on the road.

“What? I’m not having this baby on the side of the road!” Diora exclaimed.

“Don’t worry, hon, you won’t be. We’re on our way to the hospital, traffic’s speeding up now,” replied Jason.

“Arghh, these freaking wings!” Diora turned to look behind her shoulder and she tried to wrench the wings off her costume but only managed to extract a glittery corner which she threw out the window. “Knew I should have dressed as a watermelon.”

“Here, let me see.” I grasped at the wings where they attached to the dress but they wouldn’t budge and I didn’t want to hurt my daughter by pulling too hard. “When we get to hospital you can change into a gown. It won’t be long.”

Soon, we pulled into – or more accurately, swerved violently into – a parking space at the hospital delivery suite entrance. Jason and Will fetched Diora’s designer luggage from the boot – one big suitcase and a smaller birthing equipment carry bag – while I helped her out of the car. She’d only manoeuvred part of the way out though, when another contraction hit, causing her to lose muscle strength and fall back into the car. Her strong grip on my hand made me topple forwards into the car, my body bending at the waist and bum sticking out of the door.

Split!

Was that my dress? I swivelled around to find Will and Jason’s eyes on my behind.

“Oh dear,” Will said. “I hope you’ve got a safety pin, or four, or five.”

“Damn! How big a hole did it make?” I tried to angle my body to look at the split but once again the Death Suit prevented it – and why didn’t it rip instead? – made worse by my hand attached permanently to Diora’s. Diora’s moaning reminded us that her situation was marginally worse than mine and the three of us helped her from the car once her contraction ended.

“Quick, inside before another one comes!” Jason urged, draping his wife’s arm around his neck and the other one around Will’s while I held on to her back as we scurried rather pathetically towards the entrance.

We entered through the automatic doors when Diora stopped suddenly in pain, the broken corner of her wing poking me in the eye.

“Ouch!” I instinctively flung my hands at my eye, but Diora lost her balance so I quickly returned my hands to her back, squinting my injured eye madly with the pain. “Holy hell!”

When Diora regained her ability to stand, I finally opened my eye to find hospital staff looking at us with a combination of shock and amusement on their faces. You’d think they’d never seen a woman in labour before. Then I realised it wasn’t every day you saw Superman, Dumbledore, a pregnant fairy with a vomit-stained dress and broken wing, and a middle-aged wannabe model with a ripped dress and deformed eye walking through the doors of a hospital.

“Here you go, love,” said a weary-looking woman as she rolled a wheelchair towards Diora. “Take a seat and let’s get you into a room and out of this costume. Why don’t you,” she glanced at the three of us, “fill in the admission forms and wait over there while I examine… what’s your name, love?”

“Diora.”

“Diora. I’ll let you know when you can come in. I take it one of you is the baby’s father?”

Dumbledore’s lengthy beard bobbed up and down as he nodded, and he went over to the reception desk while Will and I collapsed into some chairs nearby. For a brief moment I considered admitting myself so the SlimFX Magic Suit could be surgically removed but decided I’d had enough embarrassment for one day. Somehow, I’d get out of it, but I didn’t want to think about it yet.

Fifteen minutes later, we walked into a delivery suite where Diora was hooked up to a monitor around her waist. “Why does she need that? Won’t it hurt?” I asked.

“That’s to monitor the contractions,” the nurse said.

“Remember, you had one when the kids were being born?” Will said.

“Oh. It’s all such a blur,” I replied.

“Here comes another one… I need something to hold on to. Where’s my fairy wand?” Diora asked.

“I think you left it back at the party. Here, take mine.”

“I don’t want yours, it looks like a stupid branch. Mine has a star. I want it, it makes me feel better, it… argh!” Diora accepted Dumbledore’s wand and promptly snapped it in half, much to her husband’s dismay. Once she finished sucking on a gas mouthpiece, Jason took the liberty of sucking some in for himself.

“Why don’t I nip out and get you a coffee, Jase?” Will asked.

“No, but thanks. I think I’ve got enough sustenance from the party food and I don’t need to be any more jittery than I already am.”

“Are… all of you staying for the birth?” the nurse asked, her eyes moving from us to Diora.

“Diora said she needs me, so–”

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