Page 51 of Fast Forward

So that explained Regina’s interest in all things romantic. She’s a professional flirt! But a showroom for potential romantic partners? How did that work? I imagined walking into such a showroom and asking, ‘Do you have any tall, dark, handsome doctors in stock at the moment?’ to which the salesperson might say, ‘Sorry, we’re all out as they were on special last week. Can I put you down for a backorder and notify you when one becomes available?’

I swallowed my giggles and thanked Marge and Homer for the gift, then picked up a flat rectangular package wrapped in a luxurious silk scarf.

“The scarf is the real present, Kelli,” Regina explained. “What’s inside is more of a… how do I say it?… novelty gift, if you like. One cannot turn fifty without a little gimmick in honour of advancing age now, can they?” She winked and my stomach plummeted.

Oh man, what could it be? It wasn’t going to be those incontinence pads, was it? Or some kind of adult diaper? I reluctantly tugged at the package. Worse. A sense of déjà vu washed over me as cardboard packaging greeted my eyes, complete with a picture of a slim woman smiling in her beige underwear.

A SlimFX Magic Suit version 2.0, New and Improved, the label said. Now with expandable release valve for ease of use! In other words – now with expandable release valve for getting in and out of the damn thing without requiring hospitalisation and emergency surgery.

I faked a laugh. “Haha thanks, Regina. Just what I’ve always wanted!”

Elaine glanced my way with an expression that said ‘How dare she give you something like that in front of everyone’ and Ryan’s mouth appeared about to explode with a lump of laughter. Despite the awkwardness of the situation, I wished Regina had given me this earlier so I could have saved myself the trouble of dealing with version 1.0.

“Anyway, not that you need one, Kelli, but they’re actually pretty good. Gives you a nice smooth line under a fitted dress. I’m wearing the discreet strapless version now, can you tell?” Regina twirled and her Marilyn Monroe dress lifted and spun with her, and no, I couldn’t tell. “Sorry, I just had to do that! Get into character, you know?” She winked again and it could have been a coincidence but Will’s brother stepped slightly to the side, away from Regina.

I opened more presents, including a heat-sensing automatic temperature-adjusting blanket from Kasey and Max, along with a donation on my behalf to the Ants Have Feelings Too research foundation, and watched more amazing moving birthday cards, until only one thing remained on the present table. A white envelope.

It seemed strange that among all this technology, paper still actually existed. I slid my finger under the seal and pulled out a plastic card about the size of a book… if books still existed, I certainly hadn’t seen any around the house.

“Oh, whoops, that was supposed to be for later,” Will said. “Ah, might as well have it now, then.” His face went slightly pink.

“What is it, Kel?” Elaine asked with curious eyes.

“It’s a…” I began, my cheeks becoming hot.

Ryan came over and plucked the card from my hands. “C’mon, the suspense is killing us!” He read the card and grinned. “It’s a couple’s intimate photo shoot at Image of Desire studios.”

“Woo-woo!” Regina said and a few cheers and whistles escaped the mouths of my guests, as Will held out his hands.

“Now calm down, everyone, it’s just a makeover and photo shoot for married couples, nothing raunchy.”

“Yeah right,” Ryan exclaimed. “Have you seen the portfolio on the gift card? Look.” He pressed a button on the card and a slideshow played, showing various couples wearing minimal clothing embracing in imaginative positions like strands of spaghetti clinging to a fork.

A makeover and photo shoot I could handle, but with Will? Doing… that? My stomach lurched as I attempted to steal the card back from Ryan, who was holding it up in the air for everyone to see, keeping it out of my grasp. “Give it to me, son, that’s enough of your teasing,” I said in a motherly voice and interestingly, it worked.

“Sorry, Mum. It’s just funny, that’s all.” He handed me the card and I shoved it back in its envelope as Will mouthed a red-faced ‘sorry’ at me. I flicked my hand as though it was nothing and then reopened Diora’s gift in an effort to distract myself – and everyone else – asking the nearest person to help me latch the necklace around my neck.

“There is another present, Mum,” Ryan said in a more serious tone.

“Huh? But you already took me bungy jumping.”

“You went bungy jumping?” Marge Simpson leapt from her seat, her beehive wig almost toppling forward.

“Didn’t you know?” Homer asked. “I told you yesterday, remember, when you were baking that soufflé?”

“Darling, you should know by now to never talk to me when I’m baking, especially a soufflé, I won’t remember a thing for the concentration it requires.”

“Yes, she sure did,” Ben said. “She was awesome!” Ryan glanced longingly towards Ben and smiled, before turning back to me.

“This is something extra special, I’ve been planning it for a while,” Ryan said.

Oh dear God. Don’t let it be skydiving, or hang gliding, or a one-way trip to Mount Everest. Please!

But Ryan simply walked over to the microphone along with Ben, who sat at a small drum set – how did I not notice a set of drums in my living room before? Another young guy picked up two guitars, handing one to Ryan, who held on to the stem of the microphone and looked in my direction. “Mum, this one’s for you.”

He strummed the guitar and a rhythmic melody filled the air, accompanied by Ben’s slow and steady beat on the drums and the other guy’s twang on his guitar. Guests gathered around, some swaying to the music with their loved one, while I stood in the centre, my eyes fixed on the sight before me and ears taking in the unexpected beauty of the music my son was creating.

Then he sang, his slow crooning tone perfect, merging with the music.

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