Page 124 of Puppy Love

“Okay,” he says with a straight face, his thick lips pressed together in a flat line. “And you came to that conclusion because…”

I sip my coffee, a teaspoon of sugar dissolved into the dark liquid. It’s good, actually. Sweeter.

“I became codependent on her. Attached,” I say after swallowing. My fingers tangle together as I place them onto the table in front of me. It’s an attempt to make myself feel more confident about the decision, but it’s not really working.

The past few days have been a whirlwind. Hayden stayed over last night because I kept throwing up, which is exactly what happened when I first left Cody. The difference is, Violet and I were never together. Not in a relationship, at least. It’s amazing, and awful, how similar it can feel.

Dr. Burton raises a brow, and scoots forward in his chair.

“Okay. Can you explain why you feel that way?”

I pick at the skin on my thumb, already raw from the hours of the repeated action I had been doing prior to this appointment. I sigh, having gone over this with him already.

“Well, I had that panic attack,” I explain slowly. Dr. Burton nods. “And she helped me through it. And she took care of me when I got the concussion. And then there was the nightmares… Do I really have to explain all of this again?”

A sharp sound rings through the speaker again, Dr. Burton clicking his pen and scribbling something down on the notepad in front of him. I frown.

“What?”

He looks up at me. “Sorry?”

“What did you write down?” I point down at the notepad lying on his desk.

“Would you like to see it?” he asks. I cross my arms.

“No, I just want you to tell me.”

He clears his throat and adjusts his glasses as he holds the notepad out at a distance.

“Client equates vulnerability with codependency.” He looks up at me, and my lips turn downward.

“I do not!”

He lowers the notepad onto the desk.

“Cam, can you give me other examples of how you are codependent with Violet?”

I scoff, rolling my eyes, but I think about it for a moment.

“Yes,“ I say assertively. He raises his brows, encouraging me to go on. “I’m— I was dependent on her for sex.”

Dr. Burton smiles, leaning forward again.

“Okay. Do you feel like that’s something you could get from someone else, if you wanted to?” he asks.

“I mean, if I wanted to, sure. But I don’t want to. That’s what I’m trying to say.”

Dr. Burton bites back a smile, and I scowl.

“What? What aren’t you saying?”

He sighs.

“Cam, there’s a difference between being codependent with somebody, and depending on somebody. Everyone needs to have people to depend on, whether it’s friendship or work, or,” he shrugs, “Consensual sex. Just because Violet helped you through an attack, just because she’s there for you when you need it, that doesn’t mean you are being codependent.” He lets out a long sigh. “And that isn’t to discourage you from ending this, not at all. If that’s what you truly want, I support you. But with the information you’re giving me...” He picks up his pen again, tapping it against the table. “I can’t agree that it’s codependency.”

I frown, taking another sip of my sweet coffee.

“Then what is it?” I ask. “If it’s not codependency, why do I feel like it is?”

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