Page 88 of The Darkest Parts of Me

I stand abruptly, turning my back to him. “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me!” I say, blowing out air.

“First of all, everyone thinks you’re dead. Second, you weren’t the only one who was deceived, Renn, but you were the only one willing to do something about it. That’s why I came to you once I knew the truth. I was too terrified to know what to do, but not you. You took action.” I turn to face him, my hands balled up into fists at my side. “And in case you forgot, the crew stood by you until the very end.” This time, I don’t take a second or two to check myself before my anger gets the best of me.

“Did you think I could forget? I see it every time I close my eyes. I relive it every fucking night!”

Nate remains stoic sitting at the table, acting as if I’m not directing my frustration at him. I take a couple of deep breaths. I’m not angry with Nate, I’m angry with myself because I know he’s right.

“I understand. I do, trust me. What I’m trying to say is that you were already admired and respected before any of this happened. They followed you knowing the possibilities, and there is no doubt in my mind that they all would have done it again if they had the choice.”

His words sink into me, settling into the parts of me that have been hurting all these years, my shame for what I did, but for some reason, hearing Maven, and now Nate, saying these things makes my mind accept them . . . finally. Nate sees the realization in my eyes as he smiles sadly at me.

“That’s why you’re the captain. I’m glad I was able to remind you.”

I pinch the bridge of my nose, my emotions running too high. I take a deep breath, slightly embarrassed at the stuttering sound I make as I exhale. All this time, I had been so terrified of what Nate thought of me.

I swallow. “You want to know something? I think I’ve been waiting all these years to hear you say that. First her, now you. How pathetic am I to resort to being this broken?”

Nate perks up a little in his seat. “Not pathetic. Human. It makes you human, Renn.”

That hits a chord in me, resonating all the way to my bones.

“Speaking of her, are you actually going to tell me who she is?” He gives me an undignified look. I already know where his mind is going, so I flip him off, and he barks out a laugh. “Same Renn it seems. So very protective of his love life.”

He’s dodging the obvious subject again, and it’s not like I don’t want to tell him about Maven. I will as soon as I get some answers. The first of them being how we are even having this conversation right now. How did he survive? And what is the state of the SEA?

“Nate, I need to know what’s been happening out there,” I say, completely serious.

He blows out a breath. “I’m not gonna lie, it wasn’t pretty, but everything is back to normal for the most part. Everyone involved was arrested, most of them killed. Unfortunately, Locke slipped through our fingers more than once. That’s why I was trailing him.”

And even though what he says is good news, the way his voice carries makes me nervous. He gives me a pained look, and I hold my breath for what he’s about to say.

“Do you still have the drive? It still has the data?” he asks.

“Yes, and yes.”

His shoulders sag a bit relieved, and he clears his throat. “Renn. I need you to come back with me.”

I start to shake my head because I know where this is going.

“I need you to come back with me to headquarters on Earth.”

Pure panic rises in my chest. I try to speak, but I can’t form words. Nate gives me a moment, clearly seeing my distress.

“I can’t,” I say quietly.

“You have to make things right,” he says, his tone sad.

I shake my head fervently. “No.”

“But you’re still technically captain. You aren’t pardoned officially, and people need to hear what happened from your own voice. It carries more weight than others. And I’m not talking about a recorded hologram—they need to see you in person. Renn, you’re not just some guy. You’re Captain Aldrenn Anton,”

“Was Captain Anton, Nate. Was. I think it’s safe to say that I’m no longer him, not in the slightest,” I say darkly, so much so that Nate actually looks uneasy, like I’m a foreign being that he doesn’t recognize anymore. I give him credit as he stares me down, not willing to balk.

“You know you will always be the captain, Renn.”

It’s so much worse than I ever could have imagined, facing the demons of my past. I’ve never been afraid to do hard things, but this—this is beyond hard. It’s unfathomable.

“I won’t do it. I won’t leave. I can’t leave . . . her.” I can’t even say her name. It’s too painful, like my heart is being ripped from me. Nate is quiet for several seconds.

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