Page 43 of The Darkest Parts of Me

“Renn?” I calm myself enough to focus; her hand rests on my arm. When I look down at it, she pulls it away, quickly standing. “Let me get you some water. I’ll be right back.”

I don’t say anything, still trying to catch my breath as she swiftly leaves the tent. Based on the light I can see through the tent walls, it appears to be the very early hours of the morning, meaning most of the camp is still asleep, or at least I hope they still are. Maven quietly enters the tent again, handing me a canteen. Avoiding her eyes as I remove it from her hands, taking a long drink of the cold, crisp water inside.

She kneels next to me again, her movements slow. When I pry my lips away from the canteen, I finally allow myself to look at her. I didn’t know what I would find in her blue haze stare, but I discover genuine concern without a hint of judgment.

“I’m sorry,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper.

Her brows furrow. “Sorry? You don’t need to be sorry about anything, Renn.” She stares at me for a beat or two before she goes on. “All I want to know is if you’re okay.”

I take a deep breath, thinking of what to say, wondering what she heard or saw. My vulnerability is now on full display, but instead of feeling uneasy about it, with Maven beside me, I feel relief. I decide to tell her the truth, or at least a part of it.

“I have nightmares. Sometimes they’re minor . . . sometimes worse.”

Maven moves to sit down fully next to me, bringing her knees to her chest. The action stirs something in me.

I pause a moment before I continue. “It’s usually the same dream every time. A day from my past, but this time, it was different.” Maven keeps her cool, comforting gaze on me. “I saw you . . .” I start to say, but look down at my hands. I hear her breathing change slightly. “I saw you standing at the edge of the overlook, and you . . .” I bite my lip, wondering if I should go on. “You fell.” I close my eyes at the last word, rubbing the heels of my hands into my temples to push out the image.

“I heard you,” she whispers. “I heard you say my name.” She takes my hand, gripping it tight as she looks at me so intensely, I don’t dare look away. “Do you want to talk more about it?”

I exhale a breath, studying her face.

“It’s okay, Renn,” she adds.

My voice is caught in my throat for a moment, but I manage to speak. “I don’t know if I can.”

Maven smiles sadly at me. “I’m sorry. I wish I could think of something better to say, but I mean it. I’m so sorry.”

I believe her, because in the short time I’ve come to know her, she has somehow irrevocably changed me. Because for the first time in a long time, I feel seen.

“I’m not going to lie, I wish the first time you dreamt of me wasn’t a nightmare. Maybe next time you could make it a happier one?” she says through a smirk. I smile wide at her as I sit up more, bringing my face closer to hers. Her smile fades slightly, but her eyes stay bright.

“I never said that was the first time I dreamt of you. Sometimes I have very good dreams,” I say with a wink, and she gasps, hitting me in the shoulder.

“There he is,” she says, laughing. We smile at one another for a moment. “Well, we still have a few more hours until sunlight breaks. Try to get some sleep,” she says, standing.

But before she leaves, I quickly say, “Maven.” She pauses, turning to me. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” She smiles at me warmly then leaves the tent.

I lie there, staring at the top of the tent before coming to the conclusion that I’m not going to go back to sleep. My body is electrified with tension—the good kind. After some time, I quietly slip on a jacket and boots before heading outside. The woods are dreamy and dark, waiting for the morning sun to break over the mountain tops. I walk through the camp, light on my feet, and head toward the lookout point to watch the sunrise. I find a smooth, wide rock to lie down on so I can look directly up into the sky, watching the stars slowly fade.

I can’t shake the nightmare from my mind, but I realize why. Maven’s presence not only calms me, but she’s ignited something: a spark of hope that there could be more to this strange life I’m living. It never gets easier being deceptive. I’m a friend, but always a stranger. A neighbor, but an outsider.

But a dangerous question comes to my mind. What if? What if I could really shake off those chains of my past? It feels like no matter how much time passes, they won’t ever let me go. It’s been five long years, and nothing has happened, no one has found me. And I realize, staring up into the stars, that maybe there’s no one looking for me in that great night sky—not anymore.

Maybe all this time, what I was truly looking for is right in front of me. And that is perhaps the most frightening realization of all.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Maven

It was refreshing not having to pack up immediately when we woke the next morning. Instead of bustling about after breakfast, everyone was still and quiet, settling into our home for the next couple of days. Eventually, most of the group ventured back to the overlook; some had binoculars and were scouting for wildlife, others were writing in journals, and some even seemed to be meditating in one form or another.

All I wanted to do was look. And for the most part, so did Tasha. We just sat and talked and looked over the scenery at the most colorful time of the year. Those days we had at the outlook were full and inspiring. I think my favorite part was sitting around the fire with everyone in the evenings. I’m not sure what it is about people sitting around a fire, but it brings you close together. It makes you forget the bad things in your life by burning away your troubles, and all you have to do is sit and take it in. Every night, I sat next to Renn, the two of us stealing glances at each other the entire time.

I haven’t told Tasha about what happened with Renn that night, and I never will. He seemed fine the next day, but I couldn’t help feeling sad for him, knowing he has to face every detail of his trauma in his dreams, while I have no memories of my life-altering night. I don’t remember the crash itself, but when I woke up, that was when my nightmare began. I wish I could switch places with him, because it doesn’t seem fair, especially for someone as good and kind as Renn to have to face something so dark that it plagues his dreams. To see that pain etched across his face, even for just a moment . . . it didn’t fit the man I had come to know. For something so painful to torment him, and yet he is still so full of light.

I don’t want to leave now that the day has come to head home. Everyone loads onto the shuttles, and unlike the drive to the trailhead, we’re all a little somber on the way back to Solitude Ridge. I think there’s overwhelming exhaustion settling on everyone as well. Some people even fall asleep on the drive, including Tasha. My body is sore, but my knee—my knee hasn’t hurt at all, even after all of the hiking. It’s sore like the rest of my limbs, but nothing like the throbbing pain that was once there.

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