Page 100 of Casino King

I can still mourn and love my brother, flaws and all, and love Alec at the same time. He didn’t know.

I didn’t know the sacrifices James made or the illegal paths he took to make sure I could still dance while having a roof over my head and food to eat. He didn’t deserve to die for his actions, but punishing Alec for a choice he made six years ago without knowing the consequences won’t bring James back. And punishing Alec would also punish myself. Denying myself him would bring me more pain and sorrow than knowing and being with the man behind my brother’s murder. I’ve come to realize and accept that, and the only thing I can do is move forward and live the life I want. A life with Alec Carfano.

My newfound resolution has had me dancing different all week. Alec thought I should take time off if I needed it, but I told him I needed to dance more. It’s how I sort through and express my feelings when they build up and I feel like I might explode if I don’t get them out.

I even asked Dan if I could change my solo this week to accommodate my heart’s evolution. He was hesitant at first, but when he saw me rehearsing a few days ago, he changed his mind. He told me to just give the sound guy my new song and to pick a costume from the rack of extras if I wanted. I knew exactly which one I wanted, too.

I had to have a little talk with Alec about my duet with Jeremy, and while he’s not happy that I refuse to stop dancing it, he does feel a little better knowing that Jeremy’s gay. He just thinks every man on the planet is out to take me away from him. I told him that it’s him I picture myself dancing with anyhow, and to just use his anger at seeing another man touch me to teach me a lesson later on when we’re alone. He knows I love his bedroom punishments.

Gone is my usual red costume, and in its place is an all-black one. I put on black sheer tights and then a long-sleeved black unitard that has a deep V in the front to my belly button, and one in the back to the bottom of my spine, with a sheer material between to hold it together. Black rhinestones cover the entirety of the sleeves, as well as the edges of the V necklines. It’s sexy and alluring, and meant to make my arms and legs appear longer so the audience will follow my lines as I dance.

Tying my black pointe shoes, I stand and stretch out my ankles, rising and falling on my toes a few times to make sure the silk ties are secure enough.

This is going to be me – real, raw, and unfiltered.

My eye makeup is dark and sultry. I used my black eyeliner pot and brush to draw on swirled lines coming from the corners of my eyes that frame them to look like the beginnings of a mask one would wear to a masquerade party. Adding black glitter on top of it before it fully dries, I turn my head in the mirror to watch the light catch off of it in shimmers.

I hadn’t mentioned to Alec that I changed routines. I want him to be surprised. I want him to feel everything that I do in the moment.

The song I chose and the routine I created…it’s all for him. I want to show him how I feel. Telling him with words and expressing my feelings through our mind-blowing sex is only part of our story. I need him to watch me show everyone else how I feel – let my body talk.

Walking over to the stage left entrance, Dan looks me up and down and smiles, nodding his approval. “Go and kill it, honey.”

I chose “Deeper” by Valerie Broussard as my new song for tonight. It’s a reflection for how I feel and gives me the perfect chords and beat to dance to on top of the lyrics.

When the lights fade, I walk out to center stage and lift up onto my toes. With my head cast to the side and down, I raise my arms above my head and let my hands fall to behind my head as my opening pose.

When the violin notes start, a spotlight shines down on me and my head snaps forward, my arms moving as waves out to my sides. I lift my leg up and out to the side, spinning slowly in place until the bass beat drops and I look ahead, walking towards to the front of the stage slowly on pointe, dragging out the steps as if in slow motion to accentuate each beat.

When the chorus hits, I drop to the floor, spreading my knees and arching my back so my hands touch my ankles. I spin out of the position, and from one knee, lift onto my left foot’s toes and stretch my right leg all the way up into a vertical split, keeping my torso flush against my thigh before straightening and making four pirouettes in equal time to the repeating of the word deeper at the end of the chorus, then slide down into a split.

Time seems to morph at this point, and I can no longer hear the audience in any capacity, only the song. Only these lyrics.

My body moves of its own accord like it did at that party, and I feel like I’m having an out of body experience. I can feel Alec’s eyes on me. I can feel his love. I can feel his desire.

I’m his everything just as he’s mine, and just as I can feel what he’s feeling up here on stage, I know he can feel what I am from his seat. We’re tied together. Every fiber of our bodies are woven together to form an impenetrable bond that can’t ever be broken. Life will throw whatever it can at us, and we’ll never break apart. We can’t. We can only turn into the other and share whatever we’re feeling – pain, loss, joy, love, hatred.

When the violin hits, I swear I’m floating across the stage, my toes and feet barely touching it. Through the slowing of the beat, I walk on pointe like I’m on a runway, and then as the violin speeds up again, I stutter step and run into a split jump.

I’ve never felt more out of control while also remaining completely in control.

The song is right – there’s no saint without the sinner, and there’s no relief without the fever.

We need both the good and the bad in life to appreciate what we have. You can’t have good times without knowing what the bad feels like.

Even the brightest of days are when the most shadows are cast.

On the last bars of the song, as the word deeper is sung out four more times, I pirouette in time to each one, feeling myself being cut open deeper each time, with Alec filling the caverns left behind until he’s reached the deepest, darkest parts of me that only he can heal and claim as his own.

As the song echoes out when it’s over and the lights fade, I collapse to the floor, feeling like I just wrung my heart out for everyone to see. I can’t even lift myself up. I gave my everything.

I know I have to move, but I don’t have the energy. The next thing I know, two strong, familiar arms are lifting me up and carrying me off stage.

“Mia bella rosa.” The sweetest words are whispered in my ear and I curl into him. “Così bella, amore mio.”

Alec walks me over to my dressing area, sitting me down in my chair. “Thank you,” I breathe, looking into his beautifully dark, yet soulful eyes. “It was for you,” I tell him, and he brushes his fingers against my cheek.

“I know, bella.” Leaning in, the moment his lips touch mine, I’m flooded with his love for me.

---