Page 70 of Absolution

“You’re so hostile. This isn’t easy for me either.”

“Do you think I care what’s easy for you?”

He bites his lower lip and his eyes narrow. Then he turns. “Bye.”

“Don’t!” I blurt out, suddenly afraid he’ll disappear again. I look at his back as it slumps. He puts his hands on either side of the doorframe. His shoulders rise and fall rapidly. He doesn’t turn, but he doesn’t leave either. I swallow hard before I say it. “Please, don’t leave.” I close my eyes to shut out the moment. Why didn’t I just let him go?

He still doesn’t move.

“Are you?” I ask and open my eyes.

He turns slowly and leans against the doorframe, his arms crossed defensively over his chest. “Am I what?” he spits.

“Are you a better person?” It feels as if my whole life hangs on the answer.

He closes his eyes and presses his lips together into a thin line, looks at his feet and then up at me. “What do you think?”

That’s not the answer I wanted. Not the answer I crave. Like always. I look away from him, out into the blackness. What do I think? My image of him is so blurred, so complex. I’ve seen so many sides of him that shouldn’t even exist within one person. I close my eyes and swallow hard.

“Are you killing people?”

He looks at me. As the moment stretches, my stomach clenches more and more. “I’m not.”

“Will you?”

He waits a long time before he answers and his voice is suddenly slow, measured. “That would depend on the situation.”

I raise my eyebrows. I can’t imagine even one situation where I’d ever consider murder.

“How?” I croak.

“If someone, or something, threatened Cecilia, or you, or me.”

“And if I threatened you?”

He grimaces. “You’re not making this easy.”

I shrug. “I just wanna know how deep this do-good urge, and the miraculous change for the better goes. And what would turn everything around again, back to the Christian I know and distrust.”

“I have no fucking intention of hurting you, Kerry.”

“Now?”

“Ever.”

“But you did—” I look away, “have that intention.”

He hesitates. “Maybe. I don’t know anymore.”

I groan. “You and your half-answers, the way you twist everything around… It’s driving me insane.”

“Welcome to the club,” he says with a grimace.

I scoff. We’re not getting anywhere. Maybe we won’t ever? But if this is it, then we’ve still come a long way.

“Do you want me to make us some tea, Ker?”

I gape from the sudden friendly offer, as if this is just a normal night in a normal life. “Yes, please. Blackberry.” As he turns his back to me, I suddenly bombard him with the questions I’ve held inside me since he arrived, some of them since when he disappeared. “How did you survive, Christian? Did you fall into the river? Where did you go? They were looking like mad for you, you know.”

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