Page 65 of Absolution

Seventeen

Christian

She’s on her way to the university again. It’s the third time since I started watching them. This time is different, though. She has left Cecilia at a small daycare. Seven kids. Different ages. I checked the staff. Just a couple of speeding tickets. No pedophiles. Had there been one, I’d have killed him. Or her.

I’m conflicted.

I want her to be with our daughter and not leave her in the hands of strangers.

Her eyes were sad when she jumped in her car after leaving Cecilia, but when she went home that afternoon she had a new posture.

Proud. Alive.

Something I remember from a very long time ago.

“How’s everything with my favorite nephew?” Salvatore sits with his feet propped up on the table, a newspaper and a cup of espresso next to him.

I stick a new toothpick between my teeth, dropping the one I just broke on the table. Salvatore looks disapprovingly between the little piece of wood and me, but doesn’t comment on it.

“I need something to do.”

“I don’t know what to use you for.”

Pain laces my chest. I’m worthless to him. I know nothing of any other life. I don’t know what to do with myself.

“There’s gotta be something.”

“I have people managing my paperwork, and you’re not trained for that. You’re muscle, Christian, not brain. No matter how much it pains me to say it, in your current condition, there’s nothing for you.”

“I know security systems like my own back pocket. I can do tech.”

“Yeah, got no use for that. I want my men capable in a fight, no matter what else they do.”

I’m quiet, my mind spinning. I’m weak, useless, damaged.

“You were my best man, Christiano. You’re still the closest thing I have to a brother, and that will never change. You’ll never lack anything, I’ll provide for you, but right now… I can’t put you to work for me. If shit went down, you couldn’t defend yourself and you’d put every-fucking-one at risk, and you know it.”

I lean my elbows on the table and rub my hands over my face. “Fuck, Luci. I’m going insane.”

“You have something beautiful out there, that you refuse to acknowledge. Why don’t you go pursue her? Them? You asked me to stay away. I’m staying away. But if you don’t get your shit together and go get your woman, I’ll fucking bring her here, her and the child, because my patience is running out.”

“She’s happy, you fuck! She’s making a life for herself, finally, the life I took from her. I can’t fucking barge in and destroy it all over again.”

“Mind your fucking language when you’re addressing me! I don’t know who you are anymore, Chris! You’ve gone soft. You’re a fucking wuss. Go claim your woman, or I’ll do it for you. I’ll get her here and make her and the little one live under my roof. Don’t think for a moment I’d hesitate. You’ve got one week to pull yourself together. You hear me? I’m fed up with your wallowing. Maybe, if you start acting like a man, I could have use for you, but as it is now… it makes me sick just looking at you. One week. Now get out of my sight for fuck’s sake.”

I jump up, nauseous. One week. It rings all too familiar. He’s always making demands. Last time it was for me to get between her legs before he would have someone kill her, and I fucking went for it.

I leave my uncle without another word. I went for it, fucked her, destroyed her. All because I did what he told me. Am I just gonna do what he tells me again?

Yes. Fuck me, but yes, I am. That’s why I’m here, back in San Francisco. She has a pull on me that I can’t deny, and I need to be in her life. If not as a lover, then at least as their protector, because God knows she needs protecting.

I rev my engine and speed off down the steep road, my heart lighter than it’s been for years.

I know what I must do.

Weak as a newborn baby, or as I figure them to be, I’ve had to start from the beginning. I spent months in physiotherapy in the Big Apple, and I keep at it. Military exercises. Simple. Legs. Back. Chest. Arms. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. And when I take breaks, I take rides. The university. The daycare. Her place.

I can’t seem to get enough air, enough strength. I don’t recognize my own body and it scares me. I go see a doctor. He hums and listens, and huffs and creases his forehead. After an X-ray, I find myself in his office later the same day and he looks even more concerned and asks me what I’ve been through. I tell him to fucking spit it out.

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