Page 59 of Absolution

Kerry

I used to think of him a lot because I felt like I had to in order to survive. I needed to keep my focus and never forget. Now I have moved back home, where the open ocean soothes my need for air and the bright sky lifts me up. It helps a little. No. It helps a lot. But he still lingers.

He’s dead. So why do I keep feeling this pain? Why doesn’t it go away?

It hurts just as much every time as I see him throw himself after her before disappearing into the ravine. He gave his LIFE for her…

And how did I treat him? What did I make of his last days? Cecilia’s father.

God. I’ll never be free, will I?

“Kerry!”

I spin around when I hear the all too well-known voice, light and slightly raspy. A ghost from the past. Cecilia is asleep in the stroller, I’m walking along the docks, enjoying the sun, warm on my face, and the scent of salt in the air.

“Evan,” I say, trying to come up with some measure of polite enthusiasm.

He throws his arms around me and scoops me into a tight hug, way too tight, sending me into a coughing fit. Evan takes a step back, but a hand remains on my shoulder, making my skin crawl, his eyes darting between me and Cecilia.

I shrug off his hand and look him over. He’s got a receding hairline and has shaved his head to a short blond stubble to maybe hide the fact. He was always vain. A thick blond beard covers the lower half of his face. His blue eyes glitter. Evan is thinner than I remember him, and a few wrinkles have appeared on his forehead. He’s still handsome, but I can’t for the life of me remember why I ever saw anything in him. I married him out of convenience that I mistook for love in my young naivety.

I’m still not sure I know what ‘love’ is, except for the love for a child, but I sure as hell know passion, and that’s something he and I never had between us.

“Fancy meeting you here!” he exclaims, still cheerily. “I haven’t seen you in ages! Doing well, I see. Who’s the lucky father?”

I freeze. “What’s up, Evan? What are you doing down here in the middle of a work day? I thought you catered to the high and mighty over in the fancier districts, selling them ridiculously expensive apartments.”

“Yeah, I… That didn’t— Hey, let’s go grab a coffee! Come on.”

I really don’t want to, but I can’t see a way out of it. What harm is a coffee anyway? We spent eight years together, five as married, and he still pays me enough every month to keep me afloat, almost to the point where I’ve begun to feel guilty about it. One more year, then I’m gonna have to start fending for myself in earnest.

“Sure.” I nod and force a smile.

“Fantastic!”

We turn our backs to the docks and begin walking side by side. “A kid, Kerry! My God. I didn’t know you’d married! Honestly… I think our agreement on the money—”

“I’m not married,” I say quickly. “There’s no father.”

Evan side-eyes me and frowns. “Really. That’s not like you.”

“You don’t know what’s like me anymore, Evan. Things happen, sometimes they don’t go as planned.”

His gaze darkens. “Tell me about it.”

An unease creeps into my stomach. There’s a tension in him, something different, an underlying sense of desperation.

“So, does the father pay up at least?”

“He’s dead,” I snap.

Evan’s mouth forms into an O, and for a moment he looks like a fish out of water. “I’m sorry,” he says, and he does sound like he means it, making me soften a little. This is just Evan, after all. He’s not inherently bad, just really stupid. He cheated on me, sure, but I’m lucky our marriage ended, I’d have been miserable in the long run.

“Thanks. It’s fine.”

It’s not, but isn’t that what you say between strangers? Everything is fine, no need to lay your burdens on someone else.

Evan comes to a halt and pushes open a door to a little coffee shop, old-fashioned, dark wood, cramped with tiny tables and only two other customers, huddled over a laptop each at the far end of the little room.

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