Page 31 of Absolution

Nine

Kerry

Finally, I lift my head and look around me. Where did Christian go?

Everything is still and the forest gets increasingly dusky and silent.

“Christian,” I say, hesitantly. Everything is quiet. I clutch Cecilia hard to my chest and stand carefully for the first time since I fell. “Christian!” A little louder. No answer. Did he leave us? A claw of a new kind of fear nips at my already battered heart. “Christian!” I cry and Cecilia stirs in my arms.

A ghostly echo rolls over the mountain. That’s the only answer I’m getting.

I stand absolutely still, at a loss as to what to do. I don’t understand. Slipping and sliding, I fight my way up the slope. Then I wedge Cecilia behind a rock, making sure she lies safely before I, with violently trembling legs, walk all the way down to the edge. The ravine is cold, beautiful, and quiet. On the bottom I see the river hurling cold black water over pointy rocks. The sight makes me physically ill. Where is Christian? I lie down prone and slide further to look over the edge, terrified I’ll fall if I go too far. I follow the trail of rushing water and then something disrupts the vision, a speck on the cliffs. Frowning, I stare at the object. Realization comes slowly, it’s as if my mind is as unmoving as the world around me.

It’s a ski cap.

It’s a red ski cap. Christian wears a red ski cap.

Wore.

A wave of dizziness rolls over me and I hold on hard not to topple over. I stare at the piece of fabric and it blurs as tears fill my eyes.

He fell.

He’s gone.

I’m alone.

In this desolate, darkening forest, I’m suddenly left alone. My heart pounds so hard it feels as if my chest is going to explode and I struggle to inhale. I panic when I can’t feel my hands and stare at them, clenching and unclenching them to try to find them again, to see if they’re still attached to my body. And then I realize he’s gone! I don’t know what to do. Still on my knees, the cold and wet has started to leak through to my skin and a shudder ripples across my back. A whimper from behind the rock higher up on the slope startles me.

Get up, Kerry. Get up! You continue. And you finish!

His words ring in my ears as I struggle back up to Cecilia, lift her from her cold cradle and start walking, turning my back to him, wherever he is. Dead. I shake my head and keep walking. He’s dead, Ker. My legs march to the rhythm of my heart, faster, faster, downward, faster. He’s gone. Heavy weight in my arms. Walk. Walk. Walk. Focus. I try to grab onto some of his strength, repeating his words, his last testament to us.

Continue. Finish.

I lose track of time. I don’t feel anything but the little body I’m carrying, the burning exhaustion in my legs, back, arms, and the numbing cold. I know we’re going to die out here too. And it’s all my fault. I made the decision to move here. I made all the wrong decisions.

Darkness falls and the air is getting increasingly chilly. What should have taken a few hours has taken the whole day. I stagger and stumble. I can’t continue. I’m lost. It’s no use. We’ll die. I can’t even muster enough energy to care.

“Kerry?”

I’m dreaming someone’s calling my name. I don’t recognize the voice. A man’s voice. Funny. I would have thought it’d be my father, or one of my grandparents. Not some stranger. I fall on my knees, I think I’m still holding on to Cecilia, but I can’t feel my arms anymore. I can’t feel my body.

“He’s dead,” I croak.

“Ray’s dead?” Another voice.

Ray? Who’s Ray?

“Let me take her.” Someone takes the weight out of my arms and I clutch the air, knowing I’ve lost something important.

“Get her in the car.”

“Careful.”

“Kerry! Kerry! We need to know! Where’s Ray?”

I think I know that voice. Anderson. Mr. Anderson. Ste—Stephan? Yes. Stephan. I see the partly snow-covered shape before my eyes. “Cabin,” I whisper.

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