Page 120 of Absolution

“You could save the money and give it to charity,” she whispers. I look at her, deadpanned. She sighs. “I love it. Can I try it on?”

“It’s what it’s meant for,” I say, my voice suddenly thicker, the joy over her surprise overwhelming me. I motion for her to turn around, then I push her hair to the side, the tips of my fingers stroking the soft skin on her nape. Goosebumps rise under my touch, and it’s not the only thing that rises. I hang the necklace around her neck, snapping it into place. Her hand flies up to touch it as she turns, her fingers tracing the outline of the heart.

“Let me see,” I say and push her hair back over her shoulder. It hangs perfectly, heavy around her slender pale neck, as if it had been created with her in mind. “Beautiful.”

“Can I see?” she asks. I smile wider and she almost jumps out of the chair and heads for the nearest mirror, the large one in the hallway.

When she comes back, she has a goofy grin on her face.

“It belongs around your neck,” I say, almost breathless from her beauty.

“I didn’t bring you anything, Christian.”

“Yeah, you did.”

She shakes her head. “No.”

“You’re here. You and Cecilia. You have no idea what that means to me.”

She frowns and throws her arms around her chest, looking aghast.

I put a hand on her shoulder, and to my surprise she doesn’t freeze up. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Everything! I can’t believe how you’ve changed. It’s like you’re two different people.”

“I know.”

“You really are trying, aren’t you? I’ve just refused to accept it. I’ve just kept judging you for… how you were, a long, long time ago.”

“I’ve—”

“No, let me talk. I’ve never given you a second chance. Not for real.”

“You haven’t had any reason to… I haven’t—”

“I know you haven’t asked for it, and I’ve been wondering about that for a long time. Why you haven’t… Who—”

“Yes?”

“Who are you, really? I mean, the Christian I met first was so sweet, listened to my sniveling, whining… and then you turned into the most awful man. And now you’ve been…” Kerry throws out her hands.

“Been?”

“Which one of them are you?”

Who am I? I’ve been many men. I’ve been who I needed to be, what circumstances forced on me. I was a boy who turned into a man way too early, too abruptly. I was wounded, traumatized and still I had to be a rock for my younger siblings, including a newborn. I was raised by an emotionless woman who bathed me in steel, poured acid and hate into my veins until I became the merciless killing machine she needed. I met Kerry and found a human inside the beast, became a father and tamed the demon. He’ll always be there, the other Christian, the ruthless creature, and I can never promise that he is gone, but for her I want to be more. I will be more.

How do I explain all this?

I am all of them.

“You were really nothing but a hit, a job, until you turned around that night, in that bar, and looked at me with the most expressive eyes I had ever seen.”

Kerry looks like she’s about to object and I raise a hand to silence her.

“I didn’t follow you home to be cruel. I couldn’t pull myself away. I needed more of you, I wanted to know what it was about you that suddenly made me hesitate.”

“You tried to kill me. You didn’t hesitate.”

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