Page 12 of Absolution

Or did it just begin in earnest?

I need to make us dinner, but I’m a mess. I keep rubbing at the spot where his lips touched my skin. It’s like a twitch. I can’t control it. My heart is still pounding. I’m in shreds. Like his damn shirt. Damn, damn, damn shirt! Unable to focus on anything, I finally manage to boil potatoes, mash them and cut some ham. I’m out of vegetables. I should make my way to the delivery box. The box. I realize I have no car. That’s an hour’s walk on a sprained ankle. And Ray? My heart drops. Did Ray get it? Did he call the police for me? Will cops come here now that the storm is over? Oh God, oh no. That can’t happen.

I don’t think that will go over well. For who, I don’t know, but it will be a disaster! My knees fold and I slide to the floor, trembling and nauseous.

Numb, and with sluggish moves, I pull myself together, serve Cecilia and put some on a plate for me, but I can’t eat. She tries her best to hit her mouth. I usually help her, but now I just sit and stare, fighting to not cry in front of her. I don’t want to worry her.

“Mama?”

I jerk and look at my wonderful little child. She’s holding out her fork for me, the piece of ham falling off it as I look. I smile and pick it up off the table, putting it in my mouth.

“Thank you, love.” I caress her cheek and when I look up Christian is standing next to me. His face is a little less pale, and his eyes aren’t as dull as they were a couple of hours ago. Something dark rises in me.

“What do you want?” I snarl and then the words just burst right out of my chest. “What do you mean when you say you want me? What do you mean ‘want’? Do you want my… body? Do you want us to get married? What the hell do you mean?” Cecilia has stopped eating and stares at us, her eyes widening and filling with tears, but I can’t comfort her right now. I’m frozen. I can barely breathe.

“Eat up!” I hiss at her. Her plump little lower lip juts out and begins to tremble.

Christian glares at me and then goes to sit next to her. Cooing, chasing a piece of ham on the plate with the fork and then feeding it to her, he makes her giggle.

I begin to cry again. “I hate you!” I bellow.

Christian throws me a dark gaze and then wipes some mashed potato off her cheek before he gives her another forkful of ham and potatoes.

I stand so abruptly the chair topples and falls to the floor behind me. “Stop feeding her! She’s not your daughter! You have no right—”

“For fuck’s sake, what’s gotten into you? Get a grip!” He gives me a furious glare and helps Cece off the chair. “I’m gonna talk to Mommy a little, hon.”

My heart rate picks up as he stands and walks over to me. He grips hard around my wrist. Too hard. “Come on, get it off your chest, whatever it is, but don’t take it out on her.” He pulls me with him and forces me to come closer.

“Wh—what are you doing?” I stutter, my heart leaping to my throat.

“Take it out on me, Kerry, on someone closer to your own size. I can take it. Not on her.” He nods at our daughter and I have to swallow against the sudden lump in my throat.

“Mama?” she says, her little voice quavering.

“Do your job.”

I stare at him, frowning, then back at her as I compose myself and smile through the tears. “Mommy’ll be back in a second, honey. It’s all right.”

It’s not all right! Nothing will be all right again!

Christian pulls at my arm and I stumble behind him until we’re alone in my bedroom again. He shoves me inside and pulls the door almost closed, leaving a sliver open.

“What’s with all these fuckin’ questions all of a sudden? What’s the matter with you?” His lips are a thin line and his eyes gleam in the dusky room.

“What do you want with me?” I snarl. “With everything you’ve done to me, what you’ve put me through, there’s no way, never, I’m letting you ‘have me’. You coming here and… It’s too late for everything. You fucked it all up.”

“And I’ve never done anything good for you? Never given you anything?” His voice is hard, his eyes charcoal black and lethal.

“No!” I scream.

“Keep your voice down! Not even her, then?”

For a moment, I can’t say anything, a cloud of fury boiling up in my chest. “You didn’t ‘give’ her to me,” I snap. “She happened anyway. It’s nothing you can take credit for!” I turn away from him with a sob. I don’t want to cry in front of him, but there’s nowhere I can go when the tears begin to fall again.

“Ker, I’ve told you already, in so many fucking ways, that I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to do. And life is something to value a hell of a lot more than you do. Once it’s gone it’s just… gone.”

“Why can’t you leave me alone?” I sob. “Why did you have to be who you are?” I could bite off my tongue. Why did I have to say that? I sink down on the edge of the bed, hiding my face in my hands, completely drained, trembling with exhaustion.

---