Page 104 of Absolution

“What now?”

“Go home, Kerry Jackson. Go home and take care of that beautiful little daughter of yours. Until next time.”

I don’t go straight to my Mom’s. I have to get the shaking under control. I’ve cried all the way here. My cheek is red and slightly swollen from when I was slammed to the table. Gayle takes one look at my face, then she drags me through her shop and pushes me down on a couch in the backroom of her bookstore and makes me a large cup of herbal tea.

“What happened?”

“I can’t talk about it.” I pull up my legs and hug my knees. “I did something stupid.”

“Something with… them?” She chews on her lip as she studies me.

“Yeah,” I say on an exhale, “but I think it’s sorted. It’s just… it’s never gonna be all right. There’s always gonna be something.”

“I’m so sorry this happened to you.”

I think of Christian, of Cecilia, see their faces before me. Warmth, passion, a love larger than life.

“I don’t know what I feel, Gayle. Nothing is ever easy, is it?”

She grimaces and shakes her head, sighing. “It’s life.”

The weeks pass. It’s life. My life.

No one is after me. No one wants to murder me. Life is not terrible anymore, only really weird. Why can’t I just leave it at that?

The sun is setting, dropping fast. It should be a peaceful moment, but I itch with frustration. Over the last couple of months, as autumn has turned to winter, I’ve come to expect his visits, once, twice, sometimes three times a week.

He is great with Cece, makes her laugh, but I’m getting increasingly skittish. I hate the unpredictability, the unplanned visits, the sudden knock on the door. What if I have a visitor already? What if someone sees him? How would I explain? What if he felt threatened? Would he become violent? I don’t know what he does when he’s not with me. Is he killing again? Working for Luciano Salvatore? I don’t know anything, and I don’t know how much longer I can stand it.

I hate that he doesn’t make a move on me. Apart from that first visit, he hasn’t hinted at there being something between us. Is there someone else? I can’t stop thinking about him, and the cooler he seems, the hotter I get. I don’t want to be pathetic and make an absolute fool out of myself, so I don’t ask.

Time passes. We nod and smile, we’re polite with each other, but it’s clear that we walk in circles.

He leans back against my table, crosses his arms over his chest and glances at the orange tinged sky over the ocean. “I think she’s sleeping. I should be on my way.”

“What are you doing, Christian?”

“I’m… leaving?” He gives me a weird look. “What do you mean?” Rubbing his forehead, he sinks down on a chair. Small beads of sweat pearl at his temples and make his hair curl slightly from the damp. From the sound of it they ran through the upper hallway, back and forth, for a long time before she settled down.

“When you’re not here, Christian Russo. What do you do when you’re not with us?” It’s not what I want to ask. I want to ask what happened between us. But I can’t.

He looks uncomfortable and my frustration turns to anger as he doesn’t answer.

“Are you back to killing people? To the mob business? Do you work for that asshole Salvatore?”

“What the fuck? You shouldn’t be asking about that.”

“I think I have a right to know. I see you more than any other person, including Mom, my best friends, anyone. Cecilia adores you and asks about you when you’re not here—”

“She does?” He lights up.

“So I think I have a fucking right to know. And yeah, she does.” I slam down on a chair opposite him. “Talk to me. Whatever it is. No matter how brutal, tell me the truth. Please. I know too much already. I’m the worst liability both you and your uncle can have, but here I am. When did I ever betray any of you? Have some faith.”

Christian pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. “Do you believe me if I say I haven’t killed a single person since back when we saved Cecilia? Do you believe me when I say I don’t work for Salvatore anymore?”

I gape. “What do you do, then?”

He looks at his hands. “I don’t do much, to be honest. I’m still trying to figure out how to live. I’ve been visiting my family, hung with Nate, Syd and Angela in New York. I’m fucking lost, Kerry.”

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