Page 66 of Absolution

The earth is trembling underneath me as I’m back out on the street. My lungs apparently look like shit, scarred and stiff, and I’ll never regain my old physique. I sway. I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life. I only know one thing—how to fight, how to hurt people.

I refuse to budge and go back to my regime. Legs. Back. Chest. Arms. Repeat.

On the sixth day after my last, tumultuous visit to Salvatore, I realize I’m stalling. I’m stalking again. Stalking and stalling. Pathetically. Who the hell called me pathetic once? I am strong enough now. And if the fucking doc’s right, it won’t get much better than this. I hope she won’t try to kill me when she sees me because she might very well succeed. I hesitate for a moment. Would she?

It’s Friday evening and by now they will have eaten and are watching cartoons on TV.

It’s time.

I listen for a moment. There’s music coming from inside the door. I recognize the song immediately. I always did like Creedence.

They sing of trouble that’s on its way.

I can’t help but grin at the accidental meeting between my knuckles on her door and John Fogerty’s foreboding words.

I hope I’m not trouble. I don’t think I am. I hope she’ll welcome me. In fact, I’m terrified she might not. I hesitate a moment longer. This could change my life forever. It can go either way. She can throw me out, and then there’ll be only darkness. Or she can welcome me into her light, into her bright house, where all the life, and everything I’ve ever cared about exists.

I almost touch the door, and then I pull back.

I could destroy her life all over again, rip away the safety she has felt since she returned. I think of leaving her alone and immediately reject it. I need to know she has forgiven me. I need to know what I once did has been undone.

Then I knock.

Kerry

Cece is watching the Disney Channel, some cartoon I think is just a little too violent for her age. The hollow sounds of fake laughs and characters beating each other to a pulp are increasing and I realize she must have found the volume control again. The noise from the TV mixes painfully with the music I have on in the living room. I am just about to enter her room to switch to another channel when I hear the knocking on the door. Not the doorbell, nothing that should be even remotely startling, but just a couple of soft knocks.

I…

I stand indecisively in the upper hallway, staring at the stairs, then at Cece’s open door. I take a few quick steps inside her room and lower the volume.

“Mom!”

“Too loud, hon. Bedtime soon. Hop in your PJs.”

My mind is already completely preoccupied with the stranger outside the door, Cece’s choice of children’s show and my concerns about it already forgotten.

It’s just…

I don’t know who it can be. A twinge of fear makes my heart tremble for a moment. Salvatore? Then I get angry with myself. It’s a neighbor, maybe the new one who moved in after Mr. Edwards apparently was moved to a care facility. Or Gayle. It’s a considerate person who knows it should be about bedtime for Cece. I drop the remote on Cecilia’s bed, run down the stairs and walk with determined steps through the hallway, unlock and open the door. At the same time the CD has come to its end and the music stops.

I know the moment I see even a part of the dark suit. My knees nearly fold and on instinct I scream and try to slam the door shut.

His foot sneaks into the gap and stops the motion. “Kerry,” he rasps, “don’t shut me out.”

I only hear his voice. His voice. And see the tip of an impeccably polished shoe. He pushes the door open enough that we can see each other. I have tunnel vision and all I see is his eyes while I hear the still too loud, clanking sounds from the silly children’s show from upstairs. His voice is desolate and his eyes are so dark. I see him throwing himself, without concern for his own safety, to save Cecilia.

You died!

You’re alive!

“Please,” he says, holding a hand on his side of the handle, his foot still preventing me from shutting the door.

I let go and stagger back. The hallway is dark and the only light enters from the narrow ray from a streetlamp that shines between the frame and the door. Then the ray gets wider as he slowly opens the door and enters. He’s my whole world in that moment. I don’t hear anything else, see anything else. Him and me, that’s all there is.

I think I’m going to faint. Or throw up. But I do nothing.

When he shuts the door behind him, we’re thrown into near darkness, only the light shining from the kitchen allows us to see anything at all. And the sounds from Cecilia’s room return.

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