Page 18 of Absolution

My eyes dart up to meet his and then I look away again. He radiates something I can’t grasp. He wants something I can’t give. Something he can take… I might even let him if it came to that… But I’m not sure I can give it.

Ever.

“Talk to me, hon.”

I inhale deeply and let out a shaky breath. “I—I can’t,” I whimper.

His intake of air comes so abruptly it makes me jerk. “Ker! Fuck! I’m not gonna hurt you! Ever again! Do you hear me?” He suddenly lets go of me and climbs off the couch, stands. I slam my naked thighs together and cower, staring down at my knees. I don’t know if he’s angry or not, and what he’s going to do now.

“Yes,” I say unhappily. “I’m—I’m just… I’m letting you because I’m afraid of what you’ll do if I refuse… I think.” I swallow so hard it hurts, biting my lower lip, flinching when I feel his taste on it, familiar, unfamiliar.

Oh my God.

He breathes heavy, irregular. “Okay,” he says then. “That’s not good… Okay.”

Backing up first one step, and then another, he rounds the table and starts pacing the room. I quickly pull up my pants and put my shirt back in place.

“We—” he begins.

It’s not a scream. It’s a whimper, and then a series of coughs, raspy, raw, sounding as if they hurt the little chest that has produced them.

I dart up, and he’s already by the bedroom door in no time at all. Christian remains standing as I fall to my knees by her bed. She’s sleeping, but there’s a faint gurgling from deep inside her chest with every breath and then, as we watch, a new set of coughs wrack her little body. Oh no, oh baby! All my previous problems suddenly feel so insignificant. I caress her forehead and find to my shock it’s sweaty and hot. Too hot.

“She’s burning up!” I glance up at Christian in despair and he comes closer, settling himself at the edge of my bed.

“Is she ill?”

“I think she’s sick, Christian! Oh my God, what do we do?”

He jolts. “Wait, I—” Digging in a side pocket in his pants, he pulls up a package of Advil.

“Thank you!” I grab it and go to fetch water, then a horrible thought strikes me. I hold it up between us. I don’t even need to ask.

“I’m sorry. I needed it.”

I shake my head slowly as I tighten my jaw. “So did I.”

He winces and glances at my ankle before his eyes dart back up to meet mine. A new set of coughs startle us both and I spring into action, crushing a quarter of a pill in some strawberry jam, and fetching a bottle of water.

“You’re unbelievable,” I say as I brush past him.

“You stabbed me.”

I pull a drowsy Cecilia to me and coax the jam into her mouth. She grimaces and then drinks greedily before she falls asleep again.

“You tried to murder me,” I whisper and glance up at him.

He winces. “Yeah, can’t argue that.”

I shake my head, caressing Cecilia’s soft dark hair. “That’s not what hurts the most, Chris.”

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