Page 13 of Absolution

He settles next to me. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you. About Cecilia. I missed you so fucking much. It’s killing me that I fucked everything up.”

I let my hands fall into my lap and look up at him. Even sitting down, his hulking appearance towers over me. “I went to see your boss,” I say.

“Oh, I know. That was fucking stupid.”

“I had to. I carried your child. You showed up at my home. I thought you came to kill me. I needed to know. Then he said he couldn’t control you, that you were going to do whatever you wanted anyway.”

“He said that? The fucker!”

I don’t answer. His presence makes my whole body tingle and I jerk when I feel his hand on my shoulder.

“Was there ever a time when things could have been different?” he asks quietly.

“A… what?”

“Was there a time when everything wasn’t too late?”

I stare at him. “No, there wasn’t,” I snarl. “Even if you hadn’t tried to murder me, you’re still a monster I could never touch again once I learned who you really are.”

“I don’t believe you, Ker. I know you felt something too.” His eyes darken again. “You’re lying. To yourself. To everyone. That’s how you’re gonna raise my daughter?”

I open and close my mouth several times as I try to come up with a reply. Suddenly, he stands and opens the door. I look at his back as he leaves the room.

“Fucking fine parents she has, then!” I shout after him. “One murdering mafia goon, and one liar!” I dart up, slam the door shut and fall onto the bed, sobbing, my sorrow over what I am, what I’ve become, raw, eating at my heart, at my soul and my conscience. This is not who I want to be. I scream into my pillow, the sound hoarse and tearing at my throat.

I don’t like who I am anymore.

Finally, when there are no more tears, I stop the sobbing and listen instead. What are they doing? I wonder what time it is. My stomach grumbles and reminds me I haven’t eaten. A sudden panic makes my chest clench. It’s too quiet. They’ve left! I’ve been bad and they’ve left me! I’m up and off of the bed in a fraction of a second, shoving the door open and bursting out into the living room

They’re sitting next to each other on the couch, a little bowl of raisins in Cecilia’s lap. A fire is crackling peacefully and he’s reading to her. About Sammy the Fire truck. Her favorite book at the moment. Christian looks up and gives me a warning glare.

Cece doesn’t look up at all, she points to the picture. “Sammy.”

Christian looks back to our daughter, smiling at her. “And what did Sammy do?”

“Wouu faie.”

“Yes, he did,” he answers, without having a clue what she was saying.

My heart pounds so hard it hurts. He’s taken her. Right before my eyes. He didn’t even have to fight. I gave her to him. I’m a freak. I’ve turned into a monster. I’ve turned into everything I’ve ever accused him of being. With a sob, I turn on my heel and dart back into the bedroom. Slamming the door closed behind me, I fall onto the bed again.

The bed sinks as he sits down on the edge, making me jerk in surprise. I never heard the door open.

“Go away!” I rasp, my throat too clenched for proper words to pass.

“Ker.” His voice is unexpectedly tender. “What’s the matter with you? I honestly thought, earlier today, we had come farther than this. Suddenly, we’re back on square one. What the fuck happened?”

“She hates me,” I sob. “I hurt her and she hates me, and she prefers you over me.”

He snorts. “That was nothing. She’s already forgotten it ever happened.”

“I’ve never—” My voice breaks. “I’ve never yelled at her. I hurt her!”

“So, she’s a fuckin’ lucky child, then, if that was her first yelling. It happened, suck it up.”

I’m hugging the pillow, afraid of his closeness, and even more afraid of being left alone with myself. “When are you letting us go?”

“When you get over yourself and take your asses back to civilization.”

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