Page 42 of Lich's Mate

“Of course, I won’t let that happen,” I say to myself. “Why am I worrying so much? Gorran’s an imbecile.”

The wind outside screams like a rattled spirit, threatening to pull me downward.

But there’s something painful in the thought of her absence—in the thought of losing her forever.

Why do I ache for her, longing to be by her side even now? Part of me wants to return to the simplicity of before.

When I was inside her, all the complexity erased itself, and the only thing remaining was the physical bond binding us together.

Even now, I’m thinking of how I’d love to pick her up, fucking her while I give her a better tour of the mansion. The idea is so ridiculous, it makes me chuckle.

I can’t suppress this feeling.

I try to remember every contour of her body. I wish I’d done more to commit her to memory.

She’s in the other room, mere feet away from me, and yet I’m longing to be with her, despite knowing that I can’t and shouldn’t be.

I can’t let myself get distracted. Maybe what we did was a one-time thing.

That’s what I remind myself as I pace my study, quietly closing the door to the hallway containing my bedroom. Outside, the rain pelts the windows now. I know that it will pass, and thank the realms for this moisture, but all these storms seem ominous.

“A one-time thing.”

The words fill me with pain. Part of me feels like I’m saying these words to punish myself, and that part of me doesn’t want to be restrained.

If I shut my eyes, I imagine I can still hear her breathing, even through these walls. In this large mansion that’s normally so lonely and empty, it’s a comfort.

For too long, I’ve toiled under the weight of my schemes to the company of an empty home. Perhaps the longer and the more I worked, the more I felt my sanity slipping away from me.

But whether I like it or not, I have obligations far greater than the interests of a fling—of a pathetic human.

I lift the weight on my desk, feeling its balance in my palm.

My wants and obligations threaten to tear me in half, leaving nothing. I’m of two minds, but I have only one body.

There may come a time when I will have to choose between Meera and Gorran.

What happens after Gorran’s gone, and we have no more obligations binding us? At that point, what could possibly unite us?

I laugh to myself, finding a seat as I watch the ethereal red glow of a dying storm. The raindrops tonight vaguely resemble blood.

Never once did I imagine that my loneliness would have any conclusion. And although I’m ruminating on how badly this is going to end, I can’t deny that it’s a bit miraculous.

My reasons for staying out of real relationships have been numerous. Typically, I’ve been too busy, not tied to the interests of Ikoth, but to my own impossible ambitions. So far, those ambitions have all been intangible, unrealized, and dull to most. So the idea of settling down felt like a farfetched fantasy.

It still does. As the rain pelts my window, falling off the black arches, I wonder if it will be her blood or mine that spills. If we don’t end Gorran, I’m pretty sure he’s going to fuck us over.

Surprising myself, I reach forward, opening the window. The moisture spills inside, soaking old parchment on my desk.

But the wind is refreshing. For a moment, it settles my mind.

I’ll mop it up in a bit.

These are tangible things, worth little more than their sentimental value. It’s almost freeing, watching the rain drip onto the wooden desk.

Gorran is going to either die or fall into ruin. And with Meera’s help, I’m going to be the one to end him.

Maybe I can’t let her distract me. But I’m not going to deny myself either.

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