Page 58 of We're One

“I’ll put these in a vase,” Nikki offers, and I hand over the flowers while she moves to the sink. She pulls out one of the vases from when Zach sent me bouquet after bouquet a while ago.

“Sia, I want to get you gifts. I want to spend my life with you,” he says. He begins pacing our tiny apartment in short, agitated steps. There isn’t much room for him to stretch his legs, which I’m sure is only adding to his frustration. My heart pings at his words of spending our lives together. I wish I could fully believe that can happen. I wish I had more confidence in us as a couple. I’ve been fighting it for so long; I don’t know how to get out of my own way.

I might not be ready for this conversation, but it’s time. I can’t avoid it any longer. I look at Nikki and she nods at me, knowing what needs to be done. She slips from the kitchen and goes into her tiny bedroom, quietly shutting the door. She would normally leave the apartment for me to be alone for this, but she knows I’m going to need her. I have no idea how Zach’s going to react to this life-changing news.

“You’ve done nothing wrong, Zach,” I begin. “I have something to talk to you about, and I don’t have any clue on how to begin.”

He gives me a worried look as he moves to the couch and sits down next to me, reaching out and taking my hand. “There’s nothing you can’t talk to me about, Sia. We’re together and I want it to be in good times and bad.”

I hesitate for a moment longer as I try to piece the words together. I can give a nice long speech, or I can simply spit it out. I decide to rip off the bandage. I look up, refusing to allow myself not to look in his eyes. I feel the sting of tears, so I blurt out the words.

“I’m pregnant.”

He has no reaction for about three seconds, which might not seem long, but can be an eternity when words like I’m pregnant are used. Then his eyes grow wide and he stares at me in silence for another solid minute. If I thought three seconds was long, a minute is an eternity. I wait. It’s better than spewing a bunch of sentences out that most likely won’t come out coherently.

“You’re sure?” he finally asks. At least he didn’t ask if the baby is his. I’m still tense. I don’t know if I can handle him asking that question.

“I took four tests that all came out positive. I have a doctor’s appointment in two days to confirm and find out how far along,” I tell him. “But I’m sure. It’s early and I have no idea what’s going to happen. I could even miscarry. I just know I’ve been sick off and on, and I’m scared. I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you, which is why I’ve been avoiding you. I’ve never been in this kind of position before.”

He leans back against the couch to process what I’m saying. I’ve had days to try and wrap my mind around everything, and I still haven’t. I think about Nikki’s words to give him time. It’s okay for him to be in shock. I’m still in shock. It’s hard to comprehend we’re going to be parents when we don’t even know if we’ll be together.

He looks me in the eyes with a determined glint in his gaze. “We’ll get married right away.”

He doesn’t ask me, doesn’t even consider if this might be something I want, he just voices these five words as a command, as if there’s no other choice other than marriage. My worry fades as irritation grows. I narrow my eyes at him.

“I’m not getting married because we forgot to use a condom,” I firmly tell him.

He looks at me with pure determination. “We’re going to raise this child together.” His arms cross against his chest. I can see why he’s so successful with his career. I’m sure it’s hard for people to turn Zach down when he wants something. The power in his voice alone is enough to make me want to capitulate. It’s not happening though.

More anger flares up in me. “I’ll repeat again, I’m not getting married because of a baby.” I glare right back at him as we have a staring contest. If I was watching this from the outside I might find it amusing. Since it involves me, I find no humor at all in the situation.

“No other man is raising my child, Sia. We’re getting married,” he snaps, his voice rising. We’re both getting more and more heated by the second. This isn’t at all helpful. It feels good, though. I’ve been stressed and sad. Anger feels better.

“No one said anything about someone else raising this child. I won’t rush into marriage because of a baby. That’s how divorce happens, and I’m never getting a divorce.”

“I won’t get a divorce either, so that settles that.” He stands and begins pacing again and then grows even more frustrated because there’s truly no space for him to do this. “I hate this apartment,” he thunders.

“Well, I’m sorry not all of us can afford eight-thousand-square-foot homes,” I snap back. He ignores this comment. It is sort of petty, but I don’t care as I’m more than ready to fight at the moment. I take a calming breath, but it doesn’t help.

“We can’t just pretend everything’s okay and wait to see what happens. We’re having a baby, Sia. It will arrive sooner than either of us can imagine. It changes our timelines and our entire lives.”

“I’m sorry to be inconveniencing you,” I snap.

“I didn’t say it was an inconvenience, I’m saying we need to move fast, not sit around and bicker,” he thunders.

“I know it will go fast, but we have about seven months. We don’t have to make decisions on anything today, and marriage isn’t the solution. We’ll figure it out without being heated or rushed.”

“We’re talking about a child here, Sia, not a puppy. We aren’t deciding on the color of curtains. This will affect us for the rest of our lives. I will be here to support you and our child. I won’t miss out on this. I want to be at your side for the entire journey. You should want this too,” he says, a little of the heat in his voice dissipating, as he almost pleads with me.

“I want you to be in the baby’s life, Zach. I won’t take that away from you. I also want to make sure we’re doing this for the right reasons. I won’t be an obligation.”

“You could never be an obligation. I care about you, Sia,” he tells me. I want to tell him that’s not love. I care about people too, but that doesn’t mean I want to spend the rest of my life with them. My anger drains. We’re only going in circles right now. He needs time to process everything. It’s been days for me, and I still need more time.

“I care about you too, Zach. This is all happening too fast. We both need to process it. Please give me that,” I beg him. I want to tell him I love him, but this isn’t the time. I certainly don’t want him to tell me he loves me right now. I won’t believe him.

Zach runs a hand through his hair as he walks to the window and looks out. His shoulders sag as if he’s been defeated. He then turns. “I’ll give you time. You can’t keep pushing me away, though. We’re in this together. I want to be at the doctor appointment.”

I’m about to refuse him, but he’s as much a part of this as I am. Sure, I’m the one carrying the child, but she’s half his, and even if we can’t work things out between us, I won’t keep his child from him, not when I know how much family means to him.

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