Page 53 of We're One

“But we always use protection,” I tell her. Then I stop. “Well, we almost always use protection. I guess maybe, there might’ve been a time... or maybe twice we forgot a condom, but I wasn’t even close to ovulating at those times,” I say, desperate for her to tell me I’m not pregnant.

“We need to buy some tests. If you aren’t feeling well enough, I’ll run down to the drugstore and bring them back.”

“I don’t know if I want to do that.”

“You can’t live in denial. If you’re carrying a baby, you need to know. If you are preggo, it might be that your little girl or boy isn’t a fan of tacos.” That’s almost as horrifying a thought as being pregnant. I eat tacos at least twice a week.

“Quit talking like I’m pregnant. We’ll go to the store and find out I’m not. I just have the flu.” My voice is now pleading.

She nods, but I can see doubt in her eyes. She thinks it’s a forgone conclusion that a baby is growing in me. This can’t be happening. I’m happy right now, things are going great. If I’m pregnant, what if Zach thinks I did it to try to trap him? This is a nightmare.

We quickly grab our shoes and jackets and start the two-block walk to the corner drugstore. I’m mortified to be looking at pregnancy tests, let alone grabbing them, and taking them to the counter. I feel like there’s a giant scarlet letter A on my chest. This happens to women all over the world and doesn’t make me a hussy if I’m pregnant, but Zach and I have only been serious with each other for over a month. It’s too soon. This would lock us together for life, even if we aren’t a couple.

We leave the drug store. “I’m too old to be making mistakes like this,” I tell her.

“We all mess up, Sia. What’s meant to be will be. Let’s not panic no matter what the outcome is. We’ve come through hard times before, and we’ll come through them for the rest of our lives.”

We go quiet again as we walk back home. I’m moving slow, not because I’m feeling bad, but because as soon as we step inside I’ll have to take the tests and I don’t want to. I’d rather live in denial than confirm what I’m beginning to think is a foregone conclusion. No matter how slowly I walk, though, we do draw closer.

We get home with four tests, and luckily, or unluckily, depending on how I look at the situation, I have to pee. It’s not fun doing it in a cup, but I want to use all of the tests, so I do, then lay the tests on the sink and soak them. This is such a disgusting way to check. I don’t want to think about that or I’ll puke again. We set a timer and walk away from the sink.

“I’m scared,” I tell Nikki.

“It will be fine.”

“Tell me they’ll all be negative,” I demand.

She gives me a look that doesn’t assure me. The timer goes off and we both look at the sink from the other side of the room, neither of us stepping forward. She then moves to my side and wraps her arm in mine. We step forward, my heart thundering. I look down, quickly glancing at each test. Then I look again... this time more slowly... every single one of them is positive. My heart sinks.

“Well, it’s good to know,” she tells me, always my anchor in a storm.

“What will I do? I can’t have Zach staying with me only because I’m pregnant. If I tell him, I’ll always wonder if he’s with me for the baby, or because he loves me.”

“You know he cares about you, Sia. I don’t think you have to worry about that.” She hugs me as a few tears fall.

“This wasn’t supposed to happen,” I cry.

She pulls me close to her. “It’s okay, Sia, it will all be okay. You can take a few days before you tell him, get it figured out.”

“I won’t be able to see him, Nik. He’ll read it on my face; he’ll know something’s wrong.”

“Then tell him you’re really sick and need to stay home for a few days. You are sick off and on right now so it isn’t exactly a lie. I’ll guard the door.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’d be a mess, trying to figure this out alone.” I can’t get the tears to stop now that they’ve started.

She chuckles. “Along with nausea, you’re going to go through a heck of a lot of mood swings. But you have me so I’ll bring lots of donuts home to stuff in your mouth when you get bitchy.” She grins at me. I glare back.

“That’s just mean.”

“You’re most likely going to think everything I say is either great or mean for the next seven or eight months. Do you have an idea of when the pregnancy began?”

“Well, we’ve only been having sex for less than two months so that narrows the window down.” I look at her with panic. “What if he thinks the baby isn’t his?”

She shakes her head. “If he was that foolish I’d kick his ass all the way down the streets of Seattle. If he even asked you that, he isn’t a real man and wouldn’t deserve you or this beautiful baby,” she vehemently says.

I cry some more. “How will I handle a baby? I know nothing about kids. I’ve never been that person who wants to hold babies. That was far more you and Sasha,” I say, again panicking. “What if I don’t like my own child?”

She again chuckles. “Oh, honey, you’ll love your baby. I’ve known many people who couldn’t stand kids, but when they had their own, they were instantly in love.”

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