Page 24 of We're One

“Why is it bad to like him?” Nikki brings the bag of chocolate-covered donut holes with her to the couch, damn her. I reach in without a second thought and munch on one. I try to take multiple bites from one hole to save myself from eating half the bag. This might be a five-pound-weight-gain night by the time it’s finished.

“I’m so confused and questioning everything that happened between us nine years ago. I’m trying to remember exactly how it ended, trying to remember the entire relationship. When years go by we make up new memories. What’s real and what’s from my imagination? I’ve been mad at him for so long it makes it all the more confusing. Ugh, I wish he never would’ve come back into my life.” I throw up my hands before letting them down again and reaching into the bag to grab another donut. It’s better than drugs. Although some say sugar is far more addictive than drugs, so maybe it’s an unlisted drug. Nope. Not giving it up. It’s too heavenly.

“You’re going to have to give me more here. You’re kind of all over the place at the moment and I have no clue if I need to hate this man or root for the two of you to live happily ever after.”

She makes me smile. There’s nothing like a bestie to keep both of your feet on the ground. I give her a shrug as I grab another donut hole. We’re both equally confused at the moment, nothing new for us.

“Today he was charming, funny, and I guess sweet. It reminded me of our first meeting nine years ago when he swept me off my feet. I still see the playboy, but I also see the man beneath that façade. It’s confusing as all get out. It makes me consider dating him, but I know that’s a terrible idea. He hurt me badly, worse than anyone else ever has, and I can’t go through that again. I didn’t understand my feelings well back then. I’m better now, and I’m not sure I can pick up the pieces as easily these days. I don’t want it to pull me down for months.”

Nikki considers my words for several long moments before she responds. I love this, love that she isn’t going to say what I want her to. “It’s complicated. I get that. But, you’ve grown a lot in the past nine years. Maybe he has too. Maybe he did something stupid back then, but now he wants to be a man of good character. Maybe he’s looking for more than a simple fling. There’s nothing wrong with a fling if that’s what both parties want, but I’m sure he’s well aware you aren’t the type of woman who goes into situations like that easily.”

“How would he know that? I was his fling. Maybe he thinks that’s what I want again. At the first kiss I was a goner and ended up naked with him on this couch.”

Another shudder goes through Nikki, and she looks at the couch with disgust once more. “Don’t remind me of that again. I think we need to burn this couch. Not tonight as I don’t want to get up, but I’ll never walk into this apartment again without a little shudder of disgust running through me. And, I don’t think that’s what he’s thinking at all. We all have weak moments, but those aren’t what define us. It’s our overall character that makes us who we are.”

I decide after a moment. It’s a shock I’ve never shared this with Nikki before. But I’ve been a bit embarrassed about it. I didn’t want her to know how hung up on one man I’ve been for nearly a decade now. It’s pathetic. We mock girls like that and yet I’m that girl. Ugh.

I look at my hands, not wanting to meet her gaze. “The thing about it is, though, that I haven’t gone all the way with any other man except for Zach. He was my first, and he’s been my last... with no one in between. It’s terrible.” I look up and see Nikki’s eyes widen in shock. “I’ve dated of course. I’ve made out. I’ve even made it to some bases, but I haven’t been able to make a home run if you know what I mean. I panicked each time hands went to the snap of my pants.”

“How have we never discussed this before?” Nikki asks. “You’ve stayed the night with guys before. I just assumed you did the deed. I guess I should’ve wondered why we didn’t talk about it when we literally talk about everything. This is a best friend fail on my part.”

I shrug, feeling embarrassed. I shouldn’t, not with Nikki. She’d never judge me, no matter what. She loves me just like I love her. This conversation should’ve happened a long time ago. It feels like a weight’s lifting off my chest.

“I guess I was holding back, comparing every man I was with to him, and they all came up short. I don’t know how to explain it, but I don’t take sex lightly. I don’t know what happened the other day with Zach. It’s like my brain stopped working the second he touched me. It was that way in Seaville, and it’s been that way since I saw him again. I hate that he makes me lose all semblance of control.”

Nikki nods, completely understanding. “There’s a saying about the first cut being the deepest. Maybe he affected you so much, no one else will ever do. That tells me you’re obligated to see where this goes. Maybe you’re drawn to him for a reason, maybe it’s simply unfinished business. It might work. It might not, but you’ll never be able to let him go unless you see this through.”

“It might crush me, though, and I’ll die an old woman with fifty cats in my house.”

“Well, I’ll be right there at your side. We’re a team. We both get happiness or neither of us does,” she says with a wide smile.

“We aren’t making a pact like that,” I tell her with a laugh, but I feel lighter. It’s the donuts and the conversation. Both are healing.

We sit back, continuing to eat donut holes while we start exchanging dating disaster stories, laughing at the absurdity of life. Dating should be amazing, but it’s a mess most of the time.

“The guy who asked for my number at the coffeehouse sent me a picture of his pet tarantula crawling on his hand. That was it for me. I told him goodbye and blocked his number. I won’t date a man who keeps rodents, reptiles, or spiders in the home. I’d never sleep,” I say with a shudder.

“Well, that might be worse than my date with the guy who spent the entire hour talking about his pet lizard. Seriously, he slept with it at times. How gross is that? I faked a stomach ache so I could leave, then totally ghosted him. I’m a bit ashamed, but I couldn’t look at him the same after that conversation.”

“Was it a cute lizard, at least?” I ask with another laugh as I take the last donut hole out of the bag and gobble it down, my stomach hurting. I don’t care, though, cause my heart feels better and that matters more than my gut at the moment.

“Oh, it was terrible. He even had a slideshow of pictures on his phone, and forced me to look at every single one, videos included. Don’t get me started on the lizard mansion he was building, and his plans on breeding and having a whole block of his home just for them.”

I choke on my drink as she says this. Then I grin. “I might be able to one-up you on that.”

“No way. You can’t beat the lizard king.” She sits back with a confident smile on her lips.

“Oh, I can,” I assure her. “On our first date, I show up, and his mom was with him.”

She looks at me in shock. “On your fist date?”

“Oh yes, the first date. He told me there’s no point in going on a second date if his mama didn’t approve. So I made sure to not use manners, slurp my soup, and keep my elbows on the table. The woman looked at me like I was an alien. Shockingly, he didn’t call me back.”

“Oh, that probably made you so sad,” she says sarcastically.

“Yeah... I was devastated. I even thought about asking him out on a second date just to horrify him, but then worried he might accept.” A shudder goes through me at the thought, while I giggle.

“I wouldn’t be as horrified if it was a nice Italian mother who cooked dinner. The food would be worth the awkwardness.” Nikki is now giggling.

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