Page 28 of When You Smile

“Yeah. I’m really looking forward to that part of things. Being me. No hiding.”

That had been months ago, and Taryn now lived as a happy young gay, very much looking forward to gay life, gay kissing, and allowing herself to feel all the gay things without guilt or shame. So far, so good. She was more than ready for the next step, which was someone potentially to share it with. She’d kissed exactly four people in high school and only one of them had been female. Bianca Mack. They’d first kissed just outside the gym door fifteen minutes after school got out for the day. Bianca had flirted with her countless times, and Taryn finally shut off her brain and took the leap. It had been fun sneaking around for a bit, but in the end, Taryn grew tired of Bianca smoking weed all weekend, and Bianca thought Taryn had weird taste in everything down to licorice flavors. So they’d let things between them fade without anyone ever knowing they were fooling around. Yet Taryn couldn’t help but wonder what an actual relationship would be like with someone she was compatible with. Would she count the minutes until she could see her again? Get nervous, excited, and extra-talkative in her presence? Would Taryn be an affectionate partner? A romantic? She had a feeling all of those things would prove to be true and looked forward to finding out.

“I’ve not really found anyone I’m interested in at this point, but there’s still time in the semester to maybe dip my toe in.”

Her dad popped back onscreen. “Try one of those apps on all the commercials. Guppies in the Lake. Something like that.”

“Minnows Abound,” her mother chimed in with a laugh.

“Sharks in a Pond,” her dad countered.

“Thanks, you two. I’ll see how I do on marine-inspired dating apps.”

Her mother blew a kiss to the screen. “Love you, Tare-Bear. You’re our gift and don’t you forget it. I’m gonna send you a striped sweater I saw on Amazon that is very you.”

“And I’m not the least bit terrified. I love you guys. Dad, take care of yourself, please.”

He offered a salute. “Doc says I’m close to fighting shape. You’ll be surprised when you see me again.”

“I don’t doubt it.”

They said their good-byes, and Taryn slid off the call, leaning back against her headboard, phone pressed to her chest. It always took her a minute to disconnect from her world back home and float into the present again.

While it was hard being away after having experienced so much with her family in the last two and a half years, the near-daily conversations with her parents kept Taryn going and reassured her that they were both doing okay without her.

She exhaled slowly and allowed herself to look forward to the next part of her night. She checked the clock again. Charlie would be getting off from the library about now, which meant she should head over to her apartment in about twenty minutes. Nervous energy zigged and zagged. An extra hit of exhilaration threaded itself on a needle and wove through her system.

“You’re smiling,” Caz said when she poked her head into Taryn’s bedroom. “Want to hit up Toby’s for a pool tournament with the fourth floor? I suck but they don’t need to know that.”

Any other night and she would have been down. But canceling on Charlie was not exactly in her DNA. “I have important plans,” she said with a wince. “Sorry.”

“Is it a date? Is that why you’re grinning?” Caz asked, coming fully into her room and plopping down on Taryn’s bed like it was hers. Taryn loved that.

“Nope. Late night dinner with Charlie. She just got off.”

“I see now. It’s all becoming clear,” Caz said with a shoulder shimmy. “Maybe you could get her off, too. If ya know what I mean. What?” She looked around the room. “Who would say something like that? Oh, right. Me. I would.”

Taryn stared her friend down and shook her head. But in spite of the jokes, Caz was proving to be a decent sounding board. Her advice was always measured and mature. “Here’s the thing. I need to talk this out a minute before I head over there. Can you help?”

Caz’s eyes went wide and she popped to her feet. “I’m so ready. Born for this. Go.” She placed her hands on her hips and proceeded to pace the room in listening mode.

“I love spending time with Charlie, but she treats me like one of her best girlfriends. She asked me how her boobs looked in a dress at the mall and circles her arm through mine when we walk, like we’re two really chummy gals about town.”

Caz paused her walk, whirled on Taryn, and pointed. “And that’s not where you are at all. You don’t want to be her chum!”

“No! It’s so not a mirror of the urges I’m feeling, which—I might add—are beyond the scope of real possibility. I’m not delusional.”

“Because you’re still convinced she’s straight.”

“All signals lead there. But there’s this tiny little what-if that’s sneaking up the back of my spine based on a couple of our interactions.”

“Like?”

“Prolonged, meaningful eye contact.”

“Fuck. That’s a buying sign.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” Taryn said, pointing at her. “But there’s also been moments where I wondered if she’d been checking me out.”

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