Page 24 of When You Smile

“No, not just you.” Charlie added a laugh to fill the unexplainable space. Her eyes connected with Taryn’s, and just like that, she felt like herself again. “I think I’m going to take this one.”

“There really is no other choice.” Taryn ran a hand through her hair. The action rearranged where her part fell, giving her a very sexy edge. What a difference a mindless flip could make. Taryn executed it expertly.

“What are you staring at?” Taryn asked. She looked behind her.

“The way you flipped your hair just now made you look like a rock star. One little gesture and you changed your whole look.” As she passed Taryn on her way back to the dressing room, she gave her hair a playful tug. “There has to be an analogy for life in there somewhere.”

“What’s the thing my mom used to say about my dad’s stroke? Things can change on a dime.”

Charlie paused in the doorway of the small dressing room, the concept loosening a memory. “Isn’t that the damn truth? When I was nine, my family was having spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. My absolute favorite. I had been excited all day waiting for my mom to call us to dinner.” Taryn smiled at that. “My mom served me my helping, which I remember being very generous, several meatballs. She knew how much I adored spaghetti. Just on cloud nine, I reached for the Parmesan cheese and knocked my glass of milk over in the process. It spilled all over my plate and some onto my father’s. He backhanded me so fast I didn’t even see it coming. Didn’t realize it had happened until I found myself on the floor stunned. A total one-eighty moment. Like you described.” The room was silent. Charlie realized her mistake. “Changed on a dime,” she said with a lot less volume.

Taryn blinked at her, sadness and shock crisscrossing her face. “Charlie,” she said quietly after a moment.

Oh fuck. Why’d she have to go and do that? They were having a nice time, and bam, she’d just served up a memory she’d long since tucked away. Embarrassing. She scrambled for a smile to save the mood. “I know. Pretty awful story.” She shook her head, amazed that the whole thing had just tumbled out of her mouth. “I have no idea why I decided to share that, but here we are. Tell you what. Let’s move on. Dresses! Yay!” She tossed in a laugh. Taryn didn’t join her.

“Were you okay?”

“That time?” She scanned her history. “Um, actually, no. My jaw was fractured, and eating was an ordeal for a few weeks. All good now. Leagues better. Not as big a meatball fan anymore, though.”

Two women entered the dressing room in a flurry of energetic conversation, which put an end to theirs. They stared at each other, solemn and stuck in the aftermath of the exchange for a couple of long moments. “Anyway,” Charlie said with a shrug. “Things can certainly change on a dime. Even this conversation.”

She paid for the dress she wouldn’t have even tried on if it wasn’t for Taryn, and they began to walk the length of the mall in silence. A cloud hung over them that Charlie wasn’t sure how to remedy. Finally, Taryn looked over at her, her eyes big and melancholy. “I remember your father. He always seemed like such a nice guy, almost jolly. Everyone loved him. He’d come over for beers with my dad after work.”

“I remember that, too.” Charlie reflected back on the days when her dad was still living with them. “He was incredibly charming. And manipulative. It’s why he sold so many cars. I’m not surprised your dad liked him so much. He was good at fooling the world. Hell, even my mom fell for his act at first.”

“Forgive me for being in awful amazement right now. I’m looking back on everything differently.”

Charlie turned to her. “Well, don’t look at me differently.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“Good. Because I’m far past those days and not looking back.” It was an optimistic statement because Charlie was aware of the effects her childhood still had on her outlook and behavior. She didn’t let herself reach for too much because she was confident it would be taken away. And when she finally did grab hold of something wonderful, it wasn’t out of her character to self-sabotage or decide she didn’t deserve it. Charlie was a work in progress. Years of therapy had helped until she finally decided she needed a break.

“Here’s the thing. I don’t want you to get caught up in my less-than-ideal childhood. I’m okay. See?” She brightened into a grin that she hoped conveyed her current mental health, which definitely resided in the just fine column.

Taryn’s expression didn’t follow her lead. “I’m a little pissed off on your behalf. Are they still together?”

“My parents? No. I lost my mom to stage four cancer a few years ago.”

“Charlie. I’m going on about my dad’s stroke and you didn’t say a word.”

“It’s not my favorite topic.” She nodded as they walked. Somehow the movement made diving back into these details easier. She smiled at the memory of her mom, the biggest cheerleader she ever had. “She was my favorite person. The only one I knew I could depend on. Danny’s mom was her best friend and has been great to me since Mom died. She’s pretty well known, an author. Monica McHenry. Heard of her?”

“I have. The novelist who writes the mysteries.” Taryn turned, surprised. “They just did a movie from one of her books.”

“That’s her. My famous stand-in mom. I’m lucky in that sense.”

“And what about your dad?”

“Once we moved to California, everything got worse. My dad’s dealership never came to fruition. He was angry about that and choked some guy in a bar, which got him three months in jail. Luckily, the space gave my mom the courage to hire an attorney and get the hell out. My last year of high school was the best ever. My mom and I had so much fun and felt what it was like to just breathe and laugh and relax in our own home, which was this cute little two-bedroom cottage that was perfect for us. I don’t have a clue where my dad is now and don’t want to know. He could be living it up in Beverly Hills or in a jail in South Carolina. Who the hell knows?”

“God, I hate him now.” Taryn was still rigid, her fists balled and tight.

“Come here a sec.” Charlie took a moment and pulled them onto a nearby bench to see if she could get their night back on track. She hooked a strand of hair behind her ear. “One thing I’ve learned about trauma is that sometimes it sneaks back up on you, like it did me in the dressing room back there. The healing isn’t exactly linear. I’m sorry for bringing our night down. I hope it won’t happen again, but I should warn you that it might.”

“No, no, no.” Taryn put her hand over Charlie’s, which was more comforting than she would have predicted, a surprise anchor in the storm. “Please don’t apologize. You don’t have a single thing to be sorry for.” Her voice was quiet and steady, which made it really easy to believe her.

Charlie nodded, her heart somersaulting. “Thank you. You’re right. I know that deep down.” No one deserved to be hit or insulted. Yet she still lived with the feeling of embarrassment that came with victim status. She remembered wondering as a child what she had done for her dad to hate her so much. She tried to be more like her friends in elementary school, imagining their dads loved and took care of them because they’d done something right. She thought she could have that, too, if she just tried a little harder. It was ludicrous, looking back now, but at the same time, old habits died hard. To this day Charlie often felt unworthy of love even when she knew she wasn’t. It was a mind fuck that kept her moving in circles and hesitant to let others in.

---