Page 10 of Return To You

The rest of her words are lost on me. Something about their mother’s birthday, a motorcycle, and flowers, all covered by the sound of blood whooshing in my ears to the rhythm of my heartbeat.

Oh god, it was so long ago. Ten years. So much has happened since, that he was not a part of.

They both laugh when Haley is done talking.

“You okay?” Haley asks me. “You look pale.” Haley knows what happened between her brother and me, but only the watered-down version I served her after everything was over.

I focus my eyes back on her. Mouth dry, I manage to say, “Yeah, yeah. Just uh… that whole lease business.” Liar. “How—how long is he staying?” I ask, trying to look disinterested and merely polite.

She looks at me, eyes widening. “Oh, honey. He’s probably already packing to leave.”

“Don’t—” I start, making a sweeping motion toward my face. “It’s just—it’s the lease problem making me like this. Not-not-not Ethan.”

She nods, unconvinced.

“Tell him I said hi,” I add because that’s what someone who doesn’t care would say. And I don’t care. I really don’t. Well, I don’t not care, but I only care in a childhood-friend kind of way. The sort of care where you just say, “Tell him I said hi.” And frankly? It is the lease issue making me emotional. I’m about to maybe fucking lose my business, for Chrissakes! Of course I’m unhinged, emotional, hypersensitive.

“You know, about tomorrow—” Haley starts. I can tell she’s reading my emotions right now, pulling back the invite to the farm to protect me.

I don’t need this. I’m not this emotionally unstable girl who would cry for any little thing.

I’m not depressed anymore.

I just need to stay focused.

I squeeze her hand. “I’ll come. You’re right. Someone might know someone who knows someone. That’s how these things get sorted out. I’ll need all the help possible to find a new location.” I purposely avoid bringing up her brother. She needs to know I’m totally, absolutely over him. I mean, it was ten years ago. And I am totally over him. Totally.

We part ways and I hurry to my tent, planning on hiding in there the whole day. What does he look like now? Is he happy in his life? For all the pain I’ve suffered because of him, I can’t bring myself to hate him.

Hating him would have helped.

But I never could.

I take a few deep breaths and try to focus on the here and now. In my enclosed space, I should feel safe. I should feel elsewhere. Autumn, a friend of mine who is a decorator, turned my tent into a Thousand-And-One-Nights scene. It’s dreamy and awesome and a complete contrast to the bright outdoors. It’s an escape from the real world.

For the next few hours, I’m safe from him. He won’t see me; I won’t run into him.

For the next few hours, only my clients need to matter.

Yet all I can think about is Ethan.

Ethan is here.

And because I’m weird like that, I make a mountain out of it when really, I shouldn’t. What happened between Ethan and me was blown out of proportion by my teenage projections.

I need to let the past go, for my own sanity. I’ve done it once before; I’ve built myself back up. I’m not going down the rabbit hole of what-ifs again.

Nope.

Massage after massage, I focus on my clients’ concerns, on the knots that bother them, that reappear when they’re stressed out. When they expect it the least.

I provide them a short respite and convince them to try a longer treatment at the spa. I talk about the benefits of monthly massages.

Focusing on others is what I need for myself. I was just caught off guard when Haley said he was back. Frazzled by the challenges my business is facing, I overreacted to this piece of news.

And it’s fine and understandable I’d be somewhat affected by the fact that I might see my first love again. You’d have to be very insensitive to not care about seeing someone again who had such an impact on you.

But this is all in the past. None of this has any bearing on my present life. On my present happiness. I am living my best life, and it’s all thanks to me. And nothing will jeopardize it. Not even a broken lease. Or Ethan coming back to Emerald Creek.

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