Page 72 of Freeing My Alpha

“I’m not jealous. I love Lexi to death. And I’ll admit, it did change things. But only because I’m ashamed of myself lately, okay? That’s what I don’t want to admit.” I’m surprised by how easy it was to blurt out the truth, but when Amy’s eyebrows furrow, my heart races.

“Girl, I love you, but I’m not cool with you acting like your only worth is if you can bear children.”

“I know that's not my only worth! That’s not what I’m thinking, at all.”

I swallow hard in Amy’s silence, knowing she wants to hear more from me as my best friend. Needs to. Just like I need her to.

“I’m ashamed that I’m still letting Steven ruin my whole fucking life, Amy.” I wrap my arms around my cramping uterus, my eyes stinging. “Noah and I ran into an Omega in a horrible domestic abuse situation. I got re-triggered worse than I have in years, sex started hurting horrifically again, and it's difficult to get pregnant if you can't have penetrative sex, so of course I’m not pregnant. That's why I'm so upset.”

Amy slumps. “Girl... Why didn't you tell me?!”

I huff through hot, stinging tears. “Because! How many times do I have to make you listen to me about what Steven did?”

Amy grips my hand hard, gathering my full attention. “As many times as it takes.”

My eyes well up. “Oh, A... That’s too much to ask, no matter how much of a sweetheart you are.”

“I’m serious. You’re not a burden on me. Ever. I was there with you through the whole aftermath—”

“Which is why I don’t want to keep making you listen to my bullshit—”

“No! That’s why I want to keep listening to it. I was there before, after he left that night, and during your entire treatment, and I don’t plan on leaving.”

My lip quivers, and I shake my head. Amy whimpers, pulling me closer.

“Babe, what your ex did wasn’t just painful; it was barbaric. You and I both know Steven waited until you were vulnerable and alone after your parents died. He went and did it anyway, uncaring that it would change you. Hurt you. Most likely for the rest of your life.”

My voice comes out airy and weak. “Y-yeah. He did.”

“I've never expected an end date for your PTSD. I've supported you, even knowing you might not ever feel 100% again.”

“You have. You've been a lifesaver.”

“But I just wish you’d let me in enough to help you more. Otherwise, I don’t feel like a real best friend.”

I sit up, looking her straight in the eyes. “But you are my best friend, so stop denying it. I just think it’s unfair; you didn't sign up for this.”

“Neither did you.”

My heart aches at her words, knowing it's true.

“I did sign up to be there for you, though,” Amy says.

“But it’s not your job to help or save me. Technically, it’s my job to help you now. To protect you, as your future Luna.” I can’t bear to keep holding eye contact. “That's why I'm ashamed. I’m claiming to be your future Luna, but I can’t even get my shit together.”

Amy shoves her hand into mine to shake it vigorously. “Girl, who the hell has all their shit together?!”

I laugh, rubbing her smooth hand in mine. “You know what I mean. You’ve always been my family when I had none, and I want to make you proud. I— I haven’t felt like someone to be proud of lately. Someone Luna-worthy.”

“So that’s why you’ve been distant?”

I shrug, dropping my eyes as I warp into ugly tears. “Pretty much.”

“Well, that’s fucked up too.”

“Amy!”

“It’s true! Are you kidding me? If surviving absolute hell and still loving someone again isn’t Luna-worthy, what is? The person you're painting yourself as isn't who you actually are. You're not a monster, or a burden, or shameful.” She pulls her hand from mine, dropping her back against the couch hard with an exasperated huff. “At some point, you have to stop listening to Steven, and start listening to people who actually care about you.”

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