Page 117 of Freeing My Alpha

I glance at the diamond on her left hand. “When you married your husband, did you just look at him one day, and know he was your future husband?”

Jenny breaks into a warm smile. “I knew the day I met him. Which I think you can relate to, judging by that smile.”

“The second I met Noah, I knew I wanted to marry him.” I brush my mark, passing it off as fumbling with my moonstone necklace. I haven’t wanted to take it off lately. “I’ve been thinking about how I don’t want to wait around any longer in my life to enjoy the good things. I want to marry Noah soon.”

My heart leaps as I admit it aloud.

But I can’t stop myself. “Like, eloping-during-this-month's-cultural-ceremony-if-he-agrees-to-it type of soon. I’ve never felt more certain about anything in my life.”

Jenny stares back for a long time, shifting in her seat.

“W-what are you thinking?” I ask.

Jenny smiles, and I can’t help but laugh, knowing she’s about to deflect my reassurance-seeking compulsion.

“If you’re more certain about this than anything, does it matter what I think?”

“No. But I want to know from an outside perspective if I sound irrational.”

Jenny straightens, matching my serious energy. “Okay, then let’s walk through this. If your past self saw you right now, what would she say?”

I break into a smile as I think of all that’s changed. But most of all, how I’ve found what my past self always dreamed of.

“She’d be crying,” I say.

Jenny’s eyebrows raise in alarm. “What do you mean?”

“She’d be crying because—” I clear my throat, feeling my eyes heat with emotion. “She’d know all that grief and pain would be worth it to live through over and over again, just to get to where I am now.”

Jenny stares for a long moment as I grab a tissue, smiling through joyous tears. Soon after, Jenny has to grab her own tissue, and we both laugh.

“You’ve come so far just to be able to say that at all, honey. That’s incredible.”

“Thank you.”

“If I’m being honest, the first thing I thought when you told me you wanted to marry him was—” She shuffles in her seat, tracing my eyes for a moment. “Is this the same woman who was shaking in my office a couple years ago, apologizing ten times for breaking my pencil lead?”

My cheeks flush. I forgot my harm OCD was that severe.

“And you know what? This is the same woman,” Jenny says. “The same woman who dragged herself through hell, knowing that she can do hard things, as long as she follows her heart.”

I let out a sob, wiping my eyes even though the tears keep coming. Jenny crosses the room to sit beside me, and I lean against her, allowing her to hug me.

“I think you should keep following your heart, whatever that means to you.”

My heart pounds, begging to leap closer to Noah.

“What are your fears about it? That you’ll get divorced quickly? Regret it all? Get hurt again?” Jenny asks.

I think about it, long and hard. “I don’t have fears about Noah. I only have fears about myself. What if I let us down somehow, and ruin the relationship? What if I change somehow, and I’m not the same person one day? What if I lose all my progress in therapy, and become the scared, trapped person I don’t recognize again?”

They’re just thoughts, but my heartbeat gallops, begging me to jump up in overwhelm. But this is something I often experience in Jenny’s office, pushing my limits to build my uncertainty muscles.

“Well, what if? We could work on that fear, whether you’re married or not.”

I smile, my shoulders already relaxing as I break from our hug. “You know, that’s a good point. Whenever I wonder these things, I don’t stop to think that I could get through them, eventually—just with some work.”

“So in the moment, they feel all-consuming. Endless.”

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