Page 14 of The Un-Apparent Heir

Paul took a deep breath. “I hope that isn’t the case.”

“Let’s maybe not draw attention to how easy this was, okay?”

“Good point.”

“It’s not easy for everyone, right?”

Paul nodded.

He squeezed Sanne’s knee. “I just don’t want us to feel bad about being happy.”

“I don’t see that happening,” Sanne admitted. “At all.”

4

ONE OF THE FAMILY

“Ican’t do Christmas. I cannot stomach it,” Natalie cried.

She held it in all dinner—suppressing her anger and sadness. Natalie wanted to be happy for Paul and Sanne. She loved them and knew they’d be lovely parents. She knew her parents were elated and would never understand her emotions. The jealousy she felt was obscene. It was like something she’d never felt before.

“I cannot do it, Edwin. They’ll be so happy and all that. We’d be miserable and?—”

“Shhh, shhh, baby,” Ed said. “I can’t think.”

“Ed, I need you to be supportive here?—”

“Did it ever occur to you I was in the same fucking boat, Natalie?”

His words cut deep. She sobbed. They pulled into the drive at Frogmore. She slammed the door behind her.

“Nat, please, don’t!”

“Fuck you, Ed. You can’t be cross?—”

“Baby, I’m not. I’m just… I’m sad, too.”

“And that’s fine, but don’t snipe at me!”

Ed looked sad, but all Natalie could feel was outrage. She needed space. She escaped into the house and her bedroom. She locked the door, effectively icing Ed out for the evening. He was never relegated to his room.

“Natalie, please. I am sorry if I sniped. I just…”

“I need a moment, okay? I’ve given you many moments like this. I’ve given you space to feel loss and dismay. I’ve held you and minimised my pain. I’ve tried to stay positive, but… you need to be there for me if I am there for you, Edwin. Just back off. Give me a fucking minute to lick my wounds or I swear, it will get worse!”

He stood on the closet door’s other side, confused, but didn’t attempt to open it.

Ed’s voice was small. “I am sorry. I will give you space, but I’m here if you want to talk, Natalie.”

“I won’t.”

It was the deepest cut. He’d only thrown salt in the wound. It hurt in an unimaginable, raw way. Everything felt so big. The idea of surviving Christmas in a few weeks when they were in the middle of starting their first IVF cycle and gearing up for retrieval was maddening. She couldn’t do it. She wasn’t sure either could manage it.

Ed was depressed thinking about Natalie’s personal hell but hurt too. They had spent much time apart these past few weeks. Natalie wasn’t one to cry but now regularly burst into tears. Ed wasn’t sure how to help. Getting her period led to an epic meltdown in which she’d gone out flying for hours, flying to Wales to pal around with her old mates on base. He tried not to feel jealous he’d been left behind. He knew containing her made her feel caged and controlled. It would make things worse.

Unexpectedly, the jabs to bring about ovulation brought them closer. Natalie was petrified of needles. It was the most ridiculous thing. The woman was nearly shot down in the field. She could handle anything with lightning-fast reflexes, never breaking a sweat. This frightened her. She cried and couldn’t manage the jabs herself. She pleaded with Ed to help. So, he became the dedicated, calm one. They did jabs at the same time every night. The trouble was that their cycle overlapped with Christmas dinner.

Lucy helped smuggle in the drugs. Bless her for being so good at things. However, they now had to find time after dinner to get lost and do the thing. Family dinner on Christmas Eve was a massive, complicated white-tie affair. Natalie was in a full-fledged evening gown, covered in diamonds and sucked into an impressive set of undergarments. Ed had it easier. He was only dealing with sneaking to the kitchen and meeting her at the rendezvous point—a sitting room on the second floor.

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