Page 62 of The Un-Apparent Heir

THE UNAPPARENT HEIR

CHANGE AS A CONSTANT

Eighteen months later…

15

LOSING MY MIND

“Baby’s coming. There is nothing to be done.”

The words would never leave Lucy’s mind. She couldn’t forget the pain and would neverbethe same. Lucy felt like she was losing her mind daily.

Iona Ferguson was born in the early morning hours in October about two years after Niall’s birth. Lucy and Winston were initially excited to welcome their third child. The plan was for four, but Lucy was finished with babies. Iona was born sunny-side up, facing backwards. She was Lucy’s longest labour, ironically, due to her size.

They knew Iona would be big. She was the only Ferguson child to go well past her due date. However, Lucy’s midwife refused to discuss an induction. And with no private hospital in Edinburgh, she had no choice but to follow orders. Deep down, she knew her baby would be massive. She had a gut feeling it would go wrong. No one listened. Lucy was losing her mind before they even made it to the hospital.

This labour was different. Something felt off from the beginning. The contractions were intense. With back-to-back painful, torturous moments for hours, Lucy flagged. Her epidural—the only one she’d ever been offered—failed miserably. She had no pain control. Eighteen hours into a terrible time, she begged for a C-section. And yet, no one showed compassion.

Baby Iona was finally brought into the world, but Lucy was too tired and too broken to show much excitement. Winston was over the moon to hold their first daughter. Lucy should have been equally happy. Instead, she was too gutted. She had a third-degree tear and needed surgical intervention. Then, came an infection. She spent a week in hospital, worried she may never want sex again.

Winston was supportive but didn’t get it. No one did. By the time Iona was three months old, Lucy was told it was fine for her to have sex again. She was told her pain was “psychosomatic” and she should get on with it. A midwife said she should try “maintenance sex” even if she wasn’t in the mood. She warned Lucy that breastfeeding—something she’d only managed to do with Iona—would kill her libido and this was her only choice to please her husband.

Winston became impatient. He never said anything but was frustrated. So, Lucy put Iona to bed one night and resolved to get it over with.

“Let’s have sex,” Lucy said.

Winston looked up from the book he read.

“What?”

“Let’s do it. You want to do it, so let’s do it.”

Lucy climbed into bed. She was on a fake-it-till-you-make-it mission. Winston perked up at first, then looked upset.

“Luce, you’re not in the mood. I can tell.”

“I will get in the mood. It’s what my midwife recommends. I must give it a shot. I know you are desperate and I feel dreadful.”

“Lucy, that’s not it. Don’t mind me. If you’re not in the mood, it will be bad.”

“I am okay. We will… it will be better. Alright?”

Winston agreed, kissing her. It made Lucy feel everything she needed suddenly. She wanted to be desired. She wanted to be wanted. She believed he couldn’t live without her and had to have her. She felt like a woman, not just a mother caring for three young children as her primary job. She needed this.

Lucy and Winston kissed for a good long while and she relaxed into it. She always trusted Winston. That was what he was good for. If she said stop, he would. She never doubted it. He ran his hand down her body, playing with her nipples first. It felt good. She kissed him harder.

He gravitated south, signalling he'd go down on her. Lucy pulled away.

“I don’t want you to go down on me. I’m not… I’m not ready for that,” Lucy said.

Given Lucy’s hang-ups and concerns about oral, she wasn’t comfortable with Winston observing what she still worried was a massively broken pussy. It had always been a complicated matter for Lucy but now more so.

“Okay. I want to.”

“I don’t.”

Winston nodded. “Okay. Another time?”

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