Page 75 of Craving Chaos

My voice is as frail as a butterfly’s wings when I answer because it’s the first time I’ve even admitted to myself aloud what my heart has been telling me all along. “I want to find a way to make it work.”

“Then ye have yer answer, darlin’.” Nana’s eyes are almost lost in the creases from her smile.

I cross from my chair at the kitchen table and wrap her in a grateful hug. “You’re the best, Nana.”

“Don’t you forget it, love.”

I laugh and sniffle, my emotions getting the better of me. “How about I put on a kettle? We can wake up Paddy and have him join us for tea and biscuits.”

“Excellent idea.” She gives a single nod, then lists in her chair toward the living room. “Ach, Paddy, ye old fart,” she yells with more volume than should be possible. “Come and join us for a cuppa.”

My grandfather, Paddy, was snoozing in his recliner when I’d come over. Seconds later, he’s standing in the doorway, rubbing his eyes.

“Jaysus, woman. What’s with all the yelling?” He puts his glasses on, then beams when he sees me. “Shae, darlin’. When did you get here?”

Nana shakes her head and mutters, “Daft geezer.”

I fight back a giggle and shoot up a silent thanks to the heavens for the best grandparents ever.

Five more days pass before I muster the courage to talk to my brother. Conner and Nana were one thing. Oran is another beast entirely, in part because of his unique perspectives but also because of my childhood admiration of him. It’s easy to say I shouldn’t care what anyone else thinks of my decisions. It’s a lot harder to put that sentiment into action. I will always care what Oran thinks of me, even when I act like I don’t.

Therefore, when I sit down with him in his living room, I’m extremely careful about the words I choose as I explain my situation. By the time I finish, his forehead is lined in confusion.

“Wait, you’re telling me … you have feelings for Renzo?”

“Yeah…” I draw out hesitantly. “Is that so hard to believe?”

“Conner told me about the insane tension between you and Renzo on the plane ride. And at the airport back home, you left without giving Renzo a second glance. Guess I assumed you were upset with him.”

I was upset, but I’m not willing to explain why. Oran would go ballistic if he knew Renzo had kept me in that cabin longer than necessary. It’s proof in my mind of where my priorities lie because I’d rather protect Renzo than tell my brother the truth.

“I was dealing with a lot of complicated emotions. Plus, I was worried how things might change with you guys when I got back.”

“Change? In what way?”

“Like when you wanted to walk me to my apartment. I didn’t want you to revert to being overprotective and keep me from doing my part.”

Oran takes a deep breath. “I’m not gonna lie. The thought had occurred to me, but I dismissed it as soon as it formed because I know you.”

“You know I’d never let that happen.”

“I know you can take care of yourself,” he quietly says the words that speak to my soul.

“Thanks, O.” I have to clear my throat to recover my voice. “The thing is, as it turns out, I think I’ll be the one taking myself out of the game.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means, I love Renzo, and I want to be with him. I know the score. I can’t have a foot in both worlds—the Irish and Italian. He’s the Moretti boss. If I want to be with him, I have to be all in. No more Byrne family business.”

“But you love your job. You’ve fought tooth and nail to be one of the toughest bastards in our family.”

I grin at that, though it’s tinged with sadness. “I appreciate that more than you can know. I do love working with all of you, but as it turns out, I love Renzo more.”

His face splits in a smile that’s pure delight. “Well, fuck me sideways. I never thought I’d see the day.”

“That I’d settle down?”

“That you’d value anything over that badass image of yours,” he ribs me in full big brother mode. He’s got that same cocky glint in his eyes he used to get when he was giving me hell as a kid. I love it. That was our dynamic, and getting a taste of the old days fills my heart with warmth.

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