Page 59 of Craving Chaos

Renzo sighs deeply, then pulls back to look at me with an unexpectedly grave expression. Confusion quiets my tears. I thought he was going to reassure me, but that’s not what’s happening. Whatever he’s about to say, it isn’t good.

“I have to tell you something. Something you’re not going to like.” His entire body is rigid with tension.

I sit up and scoot to the edge of the bed. A part of me wants to tell him no. To refuse to hear whatever he has to say if it’s going to upset me enough to warrant the brutal intensity radiating off him. But I stay silent for the same reasons. If it’s that bad, I need to know.

Renzo stands, turning his back to me. “There’s a man who lives five miles from here. He can get us to safety.”

CHAPTER 33

RENZO

“How? Who? How?” She’s so stunned she can’t even form a clear thought. It’s understandable. What I’ve done is more selfish than I thought myself capable of. If I wasn’t so worried about her getting sick, I never would have admitted to such a betrayal.

I still won’t admit the worst part—that I don’t regret my choice.

I’m glad I had two extra weeks out here with her. It’s been hard as hell, and I wouldn’t give it up for all the money in the world. I wanted that time with her. I wanted her to have the time to give me a chance. I made the decision because of a fixation, but since that time, my feelings have evolved more than even I realized. My entire being screamed in horror when that bear charged at her. If needed, I would have given my life to save her without hesitation.

I’m irrevocably in love with Shae Byrne.

I love her so deeply that I’d rather destroy her trust in me to get her home safely than preserve my secret. It’s the most unselfish thing I’ve ever done.

I cross to the table and chair and sit down wearily. “The day after our first bonfire, I walked out a ways, searching for branches straight enough to build the lid for our storage locker. I encountered a man on a snowmobile who’d come our way to check on the fire. He lives five miles up the creek and knows the owner of the cabin. I told him about the bear encounter and that we were hunting when it happened. I said we were doing fine but had stayed at the cabin until I was feeling well enough to make the trip back. He said the owner would be glad we found it and, should we need anything, to come by his place. I didn’t make a conscientious decision not to tell you. I knew I would if things took a turn, but each day I told myself that I needed one more day here. One more day with you.”

My eyes lift for a quick glimpse of Shae. I don’t regret what I did, but I hate seeing her so upset with me. She sits perfectly still, her eyes closed, and enough pain etched on her face to carve my heart wide open.

I have to clear my throat before I can continue. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“Hurt me?” She opens her eyes, venom swirling in their depths. “Was the hunger and fear and filth not a constant form of pain?”

“Maybe for any other woman. You thrive in adversity,” I try to explain.

She rockets to her feet and jabs a finger in my direction. “That doesn’t give you the right to make me suffer.”

I rise to my feet as well, my eyes narrowing. “I’ll apologize for a lot of shit, but if you want to hear me say I’m sorry for keeping you here, you’ll be disappointed. As far as I’m concerned, every minute of discomfort was worth it to be with you. If we’d gone back to the city right away, you never would have given me a chance.”

“You don’t know that,” she yells, her hurt and anger boiling over. “And even if you never told me what you did, we still may not have stayed together in the city.”

“No, but at least I would have had a fighting chance this way,” I shoot back.

I’m dangling from a cliff’s edge. My nails scratch and claw to hang on, but there’s not a single root or rock to cling to. All I can do is accept my fate, whatever it may be.

I let go of my anger, my posture softening, and give her the truth. “I thought that if there was anyone who would know what it’s like to fight for something—to risk it all in pursuit of your calling—it would be you.”

Her middle bows inward, and her mouth parts on a silent gasp. She slowly closes her eyes. When they open, the fiery gold embers have all burned out, leaving only frigid ice and shards of blue glass.

“We should leave while there’s still plenty of daylight.” Her voice sounds as hollow as my heart feels. “Why don’t you go collect the traps while I get things ready here.”

I watch helplessly as she begins to straighten up the cabin.

With nothing left to be said, I let myself outside and start for the creek. I feel the bond between us stretch thinner with every step I take. That connection sank its barbed hooks deep into my heart, and the tension now straining the connection shreds me until I have to double over from the pain. It hurts so badly that I almost forget the crucial lessons I learned from my father’s hard-fought battle with cancer.

One, I will survive the pain of loss, no matter how crippling.

And two, I cannot ever give up, no matter how bleak the odds.

This challenge won’t be easy to overcome, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. I still believe with all my being that Shae is meant for me. If that’s the case, I continue to fight. This is not the end.

CHAPTER 34

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