Page 55 of Craving Chaos

“Just thinking about things back home.”

“Like what?”

“Like who’s been running things in my absence. And what trouble my brother and Sante have been getting into.” Technically, I was thinking about how little thought I’d put into the situation back home. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

“Who was most likely to step in?”

“My uncle Gino. He’s a good guy. Never wanted the role of boss, but he’s the most obvious person to step up without me there. I think a lot of people were expecting him to become boss when Dad died. He’s older with more experience.”

She listens, nodding silently.

“You know my other uncle was pissed when I became underboss. I can only imagine he’s not the only one. This would be a perfect opportunity to shake up leadership if someone wanted to do that.” I feel oddly removed from the situation when I explain it, as though I’m talking about a television program rather than my life.

“I haven’t seen you in a business setting, but from what I know now, I have no doubt about your leadership abilities. That sort of thing isn’t something you can fake. It’s innate, and you have it. Anyone with two brain cells will know that.”

“Oh yeah?” My eyes cut to hers. “What about me handling trivial matters and not taking to leadership?” I tease, reminding her of the slight she threw at me back when we first met.

Shae grins. “I only meant to rile you up. Everyone knows a good boss, whether running the Mafia or a Taco Bell, is willing to get in the trenches on occasion. To do what needs to be done and promote loyalty.”

Fuck, this woman is incredible.

I can’t imagine the idiots who came before me and didn’t lock her down instantly. Not that Shae could be claimed by any old schmo. The circumstances would have to be exceptional for her to justify upending her world for a relationship, which is why I can’t shake the feeling that we need to sort out how this works between us before we leave here. Find a way to be together that doesn’t entail her sacrificing who she is.

I want her, but not at that price.

Some things are too valuable to give up, no matter how painful it might be.

CHAPTER 30

SHAE

Renzo and I haven’t seen home in twenty days, almost three weeks. It’s hard to fathom.

I’ve probably lost ten pounds. We’re both looking quite a bit leaner than when we arrived. And I had no idea someone could get used to being this filthy so quickly. That’s not true. We’re not filthy so much as au naturel. No soap or deodorant. No razor. No toothpaste or mouthwash. I can’t imagine how badly we’d stink if it were summer and heat was added to the mix.

As it is, I hardly notice the smell and even find comfort in Renzo’s natural musk when I curl up with him at night. Now that we’ve found a sort of peace between us, everything seems a little less burdensome. I even have faith that we’ll find a way home despite having no idea how that will happen. Being a team gives me confidence. Maybe a little less so in regard to what happens after we’re home, but that’s a work in progress.

I can’t imagine what my family has gone through. The fear and uncertainty. Have they given up yet, or are they still holding out hope? Mari, on the other hand, may not have even noticed my absence. I’m surprised to realize that something about being here with Renzo makes my time with Mari seem so pointless and empty. Why have I let myself be content with such a shallow connection?

Because it was easier. Less risk.

It worked for a while, but I don’t think I’ll feel the same when we get back. If we get back, regardless of how things work with Renzo, it’s time to end things with Mari.

No ifs, Shae. You will get back.

Today is by far the warmest day we’ve seen. It’s only March third, so any warm-up is likely to be brief. Not knowing is the hardest part.

“Pretty day for fishing. You going to get back at it now that you’ve had success?” I ask Renzo while we sit at the table after eating. He hasn’t fished since bringing me his catch over a week ago.

He considers my question before answering. “No, I don’t think I will.”

“But that would be another food source for the trip home.” I’m surprised he doesn’t at least want to try. It’s not like we have anything better to do.

“Chances are awfully slim that I’ll catch another.”

“You don’t know that. Maybe you’re just getting the hang of it.”

He stares at me with challenge darkening his eyes. “Unless I happen by another hawk, we won’t be eating fish anytime soon.”

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