Page 70 of Craving Chaos

I spend two hours tossing and turning before giving in and driving to Shae’s place. Then I do the same thing the next three nights in a row, giving in a little sooner each time like an addict needing a fix. Maybe if I gave it time, I’d adjust to sleeping without her, but I don’t want to. And any resolve I might have had washed away the second I heard those fake crackling flames in her bedroom. She was using the soundtrack to take herself back there. That tells me all I need to know.

She hasn’t written me off yet. She may be upset, but if she truly hated me for what I did, she wouldn’t find comfort in reminders of our time together.

The discovery reassures me, but I still make sure to leave her place before she wakes because I know I need to give her space. We both have shit to figure out, but I also know I can’t come up with solutions unless I get some damn sleep, which doesn’t come unless Shae is snug in my arms.

When I slip into her apartment on the fourth night, I smell remnants of a vanilla-scented perfume on her. It’s not her scent. Too sweet. Then it hits me. “You still seeing that woman?” I ask, trying to stay calm but coming across as eerily unhinged.

“That isn’t any of your business, Renzo,” she answers quietly.

“I still want to know.” Logic tells me she’s right, but every primal instinct I have is frothing at the mouth when I think of her with anyone else.

“Look, here’s the deal. She and I were only ever friends with benefits,” she accentuates pointedly, “that has nothing to do with you or your nightly visits. In fact—” She sits up in the bed. “We can’t keep doing this, Ren.”

Normally, I love hearing her call me that, but it grates on my nerves this time because it isn’t an endearment. She’s placating me with a token of affection to ease the sting.

Am I making a fool of myself? I’ve felt so confident her feelings align with mine. That down beneath the hurt, she’s equally as lost for me as I am for her.

But I could’ve been wrong.

Maybe I’ve seen what I wanted to see. Maybe the best thing for both of us is some time apart, no matter how maddening. If she has time to feel my loss, that could open her mind to taking me back. Maybe it’s hurt talking. I’m not sure, but I suddenly feel the need to escape.

“You know what? You’re right. We can’t keep doing this.” I get up and start putting my clothes back on.

“I’m sorry.” The choked words are no more than a whisp of air in the darkness.

I still, weary resignation settling like a weighted cape over my shoulders. I pick up the rest of my things without putting them on and lean over, placing a kiss on her forehead so full of reverence and remorse that I feel her body shudder beneath me.

“Nothing to be sorry about. Sometimes things simply aren’t meant to be.” With the echo of truth ringing in my ears, I walk away from Shae Byrne and half of my heart because love doesn’t follow the rules.

Love is chaos.

Unpredictable and transformative.

I love Shae, but sometimes not even love is enough.

CHAPTER 42

SHAE

He left, and I cried myself to sleep with his words wearing ruts in my mind as they circle round and round.

Sometimes things simply aren’t meant to be.

The following morning, I sit in bed with my knees pulled to my chest and think.

Sometimes things simply aren’t meant to be.

What does that even mean? Who decides what’s meant and not meant? The more I think about it, the more it sounds like a cop-out. Like something a person says when they’re tired of trying. I’ve never given credence to fate before, so why would I now?

I stare at myself in the mirror, my eyes locked on my necklace.

I met Devlin a month after I started hanging out with Mari. He and I were forces of nature that were cataclysmic when we collided. The magnetism was unreal, but our time together was short. He was in the States for less than a week before he had to return to Ireland. As much as I was drawn to him, I couldn’t fathom leaving my family and everything I knew to be with him in Dublin. He felt the same about staying in New York. We parted ways, but the pendant was a reminder of the time we shared. A reminder of what a true connection felt like.

I saw Mari the same day he gave me the necklace and knew in my gut that she and I would only ever be friends with benefits. I wasn’t stimulated by her the way Devlin captivated me. Having her around helped ease the disappointment of him leaving. I figured it wouldn’t hurt anything to keep seeing her, then time drew on without me putting any real thought into the situation.

I put Devlin on a pedestal and doubted I would ever meet another person like him. I made the unconscious decision not to even try. Why bother when people outside my line of work reject the lifestyle, and those in the business are either family, rival, or foe. It seemed easier to keep my expectations low.

While I haven’t met anyone like Devlin, what I did find was someone who made me realize how wrong I’ve been. What I felt for Devlin wasn’t as compelling as I thought. How could it be when I never truly considered finding a way to be with him?

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