Page 53 of Craving Chaos

It’s the first inkling of intuition I’ve had in two days, so I’m quick to pay attention. I join her by the tree. I don’t say anything. Instead, I take a fighter’s stance and hope she’ll engage like she did the last time we sparred.

When her stance shifts in my direction, her stare spears me through a millisecond before her hips swivel and send her shin flying at my kidneys in a perfectly performed sidekick. I manage to block the brunt of the kick with my forearm and breathe a sigh of relief when she doesn’t launch into an immediate follow-up attack. Instead, we circle one another.

Electric energy surges in my veins both in preparation for a fight and because there’s a spark in her eyes—a flash of life that wasn’t there before.

Shae—my Shae—is close. I have to find a way to lure her out.

I haven’t trained to fight like she can. She’s beyond incredible. But you don’t grow up in a Mafia family as the eldest son and not pick up a few things over the years.

I throw out a jab followed by a quick left hook. I don’t hold back. I want her to know that I take her and whatever is going on between us seriously. She blocks both strikes and connects to my gut on a well-timed uppercut. She’s not holding back either. My abs flex to absorb the hit, so I’m not winded, but it still hurts like a bitch. I breathe through it, and we resume circling one another.

“That’s it, Chaos. Give me all your anger.”

Her blue eyes flare. “Don’t call me that.” Her tone is still flat but transparent, giving me a perfect view of the raging emotions lurking close to the surface.

“You can’t hide from me, Chaos.” I jab, then evade her return strike. “I know you’re there, and I won’t quit until I have you.”

This time, I charge her and use my size to its best advantage, trying to put her in a bear hug hold.

Shae rears back and slams the top of her head into my face, then lifts her legs to become dead weight. The two maneuvers are highly effective, and she’s quickly free from my grasp as I hold my now bleeding nose.

“If I’m so chaotic, why would you even want me?” She spreads her arms wide, her voice demanding. “Let it go, Donati. I’m not worth the trouble.”

“That’s for me to fucking decide,” I growl back. Ignoring my nose, I return to a fighting stance and instigate a new round of circling. This is happening, here and now. Whatever the outcome.

She mirrors my stance, a scowl marring her beautiful features. “And what about me? Don’t I get a say?”

“I’m all ears, Shae. I’d love to hear every last reason for the walls you’ve erected between us.”

“Why do you think?” The words are an angry hiss through clenched teeth. “Why do people usually build walls?” She drops and whips around, swiping my legs out from under me. I immediately roll and get back on my feet.

“To keep people out. To protect themselves.”

“Ding, ding, ding! Give the man a fucking prize.” Desperation and anguish claw at her words.

“What have I done to hurt you?” My bellowed words send nearby birds cawing into the sky. “If you don’t tell me, I can’t stop doing it.”

“You make me want you. If you want to stop hurting me, then quit making me fall for you.” The last words are so jagged and raw that they tear my heart wide open.

“Not that,” I breathe. “Don’t ask that of me because it’s the one thing I can’t do.” I close the distance between us and clasp her upper arms. “Why is this so bad? Why do you keep pushing me away?” I have to force myself not to shake her in my desperation to understand.

The pleading in her glassy-eyed stare threatens to shred me. “It’s not you; it’s us. Our families. The oaths we’ve sworn. They may not be an issue here, but it will be back home. And maybe all you’re wanting is temporary relief while we’re here. Normally, I’d be all for that, but you’re different. I can’t … I can’t seem to control the emotions.”

“You’re not a temporary anything, Shae. I don’t like not having you for a day, let alone walk away from you once we’re back in the city.”

Her chin quivers before she yanks out of my grasp. “But don’t you understand what that means? Don’t you see what you’re asking?” A tear tumbles over her lashes and down her cheek. “I’ve spent my entire life fighting to be seen as an equal. To earn my place in the family business. If I want you, I have to give up all of it. I lose everything that I am.”

“Why? If I don’t ask you to leave your family, why can’t you keep doing what you love?” My question reeks of naivete. I know it the second the words are out and have no explanation for how foolishly I’ve been simplifying things in my head.

“You truly believe my family won’t have concerns about my loyalties? I love them. They love me. But if I’m put between you and them, how do I choose who takes priority? It’s an impossible choice. I know it, and so will they.”

“Then work for me.” I cross over to her and cup her tearstained cheeks in my hands. “You can do whatever you want—I’m the boss, and I make the rules.” I will find a way to make this work, goddammit.

Her eyes drift shut as more tears trickle down to her achingly sad smile. “That’s sweet of you.” She fixes me with an earnest stare. “I can tell how much you want this—the fact that your blind to reality proves how much you care—but it’s impossible. Not only would I have to start fresh proving my worth as a woman, but your men will never trust me to work beside them.”

“What about Conner and Noemi? The families had no issue with their relationship.”

“Because Noemi isn’t the same as me. I’m the problem. Always have been.” Her voice catches on words that make me want to kidnap her and leave both our families behind. Because fuck them.

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