Page 61 of For Fox Sake

I still like him. I hate that I still like him.

He may have had reasons for his deception, he may have attempted to be noble, but he took my DNA without my knowledge, for crying out loud.

How can I possibly move past that? Every choice I make affects Ari too.

By the time everyone leaves, and Ari and I are alone, I’m dead on my feet. I put on Bluey and sit next to her on the couch, not bothering to clean up the plates and cups scattered around the house.

It can all wait.

After fifteen minutes of staring at the TV with no real awareness of anything, except for Ari’s warmth burrowed into my side, she turns to me.

“Momma?”

“Yes, baby?”

“Is real mommy in heaven because of me?”

I freeze, muscles tensing, breath stuttering to a halt in my chest. “Why would you think that, baby?”

“That lady with the weird hat that was here earlier said if Mommy hadn’t had a baby, she wouldn’t have died. Aren’t I her only baby?”

Tears burn the backs of my eyes.

It’s too soon for this conversation. She’s six years old. I thought I would have more time.

“First of all, your mommy wanted you more than anything. She did not die from having a baby. She died because she was born with a bad heart. That wasn’t anyone’s fault. Having you was her happiest moment. She faced the end with nothing but peace knowing that you would live on when she couldn’t. You are made of everything that was best about her. You did not take her from this world. You are how she remains in it.”

She frowns at me, a little divot between her brows, and says nothing.

I swallow. Does this even make sense to a six-year-old? “Do you understand what I’m saying?”

She nods slowly. “I think so.” She’s quiet for a few seconds. “You might have to tell me again later.”

“Okay, baby.” I rub her shoulder and kiss the top of her head. Maybe when you’re twenty-five.

She snuggles deeper into my side. “When is Jake coming over to finish watching our show?”

My chest aches. He was streaming it from his phone. I could probably find it myself, but Ari would never allow us to watch it without him. “I don’t know, sweetie.”

“Can you ask him?”

“He might be busy. He’s leaving soon.”

“Please?”

I should talk to him before he leaves. I’ll regret it if I don’t. It’s not fair to Ari to keep him at arm’s length when she might never see him again. She deserves to be able to say goodbye. Eventually, I will have to explain to her about how Jake’s twin is her namesake. She knows a little about how her name is very special, how it came from a girl, an angel, who saved her mom’s life.

“I can go check, but you need to stay here, okay?”

It’s a testament to how tired she is that she doesn’t argue and instead lies down on the couch without a word of protest.

“I’ll be right back.”

I walk across the street, my mind turning over the past, the present, the unknown future. My stomach spins with nerves. Maybe I shouldn’t be doing this. Maybe I should turn around, go back inside, tell Ari he’s not home or he’s sleeping or something.

But I don’t.

I reach his door and after only a few seconds of hesitation, I knock.

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