Page 58 of For Fox Sake

“I’m so sorry honey. She’s gone.”

I rub my eyes.

The words don’t register. Gone? Who’s gone?

Then clarity strikes. It slices through me, a hot blade through my already thin skin.

“What?”

“She passed about a half hour ago, in her sleep. I’m sorry for calling so early, but I knew you would want to know right away.”

My hands are numb. Emotion floods through me, sorrow, denial, pain, and some relief followed up with a smack of guilt.

My skin is ice and fire and ice again.

We hang up. I think I say goodbye, I don’t know. Everything is blank. The shadowy room is lightening to gray as the sun rises and peeks through the cracks in the curtains.

I need to go to the hospital and figure out what the next steps are. I need to pick up Ari. I need to explain to her that her grandma is gone, and she’s not coming back.

All of life’s little dramas become insignificant in the starkness of losing someone you love forever.

I can barely fathom the endlessness of it. People die and they just aren’t there again, ever. It’s an unfillable hole.

I need to get up. I need to take care of... everything.

It’s like a pile of boulders falling on top of me, each one heavier than the last. It’s all so daunting. I thought I knew it was coming. It was inevitable. We planned for it. But dragging myself out of bed is suddenly an impossible task.

I have to get through this day, go to the hospital, sort out whatever needs sorted, then pick up Ari, and let her know what happened. I have to be strong for her.

Thoughts of my girl give me the strength to push myself out of bed. I go through the motions. Shower. Get dressed. Make coffee.

Everything takes forever. It’s like I’m moving through wet concrete.

I take one sip of coffee and chuck it in the sink. My stomach is a mess.

Leaning against the kitchen counter, I check the time. It’s after seven. Not too early for parents of young children. I text Michelle.

She replies quickly. The girls are still sleeping.

I breathe in and out then type a message letting her know that I have to stop by the hospital before I pick Ari up and I’ll be there on time. We already agreed I would come get her by lunch. I had hoped this morning would be spent in bed with... Jake.

My eyes shut. I can’t think of him right now.

I can’t think of anything. I stand there for I don’t even know how long with my eyes closed.

A brisk knock at the door makes me jump.

I steel my spine. What if it’s him? Part of me hopes for it, part of me dreads it.

The knocks come again, rapid fire. “Ryan?”

My shoulders droop. Bernie. Of course.

I open the door and she throws her arms around me. “I heard. I’m so sorry.”

I wish I could collapse against her. I wish I could rage, scream, cry at the unfairness of it all, but I can’t. Not yet. There is work to be done, so I let her hug me, and I pat her shoulder and I try not to take the comfort for too long. I can’t, not without completely losing it.

“I came to drive you to the hospital.”

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