Page 56 of Forbidden Whispers

She lifted her eyes to look out over the water again as a few nearby children shouted, playing tag with the waves. Seagulls wheeled on wind currents overhead, their bright white wings almost glowing in the fading light of early evening. “It wasn’t just that my aunt and uncle didn’t love each other, they...didn’t love me either.” Her voice broke a bit. “After I moved in, it was quickly clear that they didn’t want me. Never wanted me. I was a burden to them, an obligation they felt they had to fulfill.”

Noah frowned, but didn’t speak, waiting for her to continue.

“For as long as I lived with them, I bent over backward trying to do anything and everything I could to earn their love and acceptance. I tried to be the perfect student, did chores around the home without even being asked, made myself as amiable as possible. But it didn’t matter. Nothing I did was ever good enough.”

Her gaze returned to his. “Over the past couple of years, I’ve come to recognize that their attitude toward me affected me in some specific ways.”

Noah tilted his head. “Such as?”

She took another deep breath and let it out slowly before speaking. Her next words sounded almost as if she was reading from a textbook. “When a child has unresponsive caretakers, that can often trigger deep-seated feelings of being unworthy or not good enough. Children that lack self-worth often begin telling themselves that they’re not loveable enough to have the relationships they want.” She dropped her chin to rest against her knees. “And, well, basically, I’ve given myself a classic diagnosis of self-sabotage. I choose the wrong men and maintain unhealthy relationships because deep down, I just don’t feel worthy of love.”

Noah was stunned. Maggie was a literal gift to everyone who knew her, to him most of all. How could such an incredible woman feel this way?

“But if you know that’s what you’re doing, can’t you just stop?” Noah asked, feeling confused.

Maggie smiled, but it didn’t touch her eyes. “You’d think so, wouldn’t you? But even though I know with my head that my belief is wrong—I mean, we’re all worthy of love, right? Even though I intellectually understand this, on a subconscious level, I haven’t yet been able to convince my heart. So, I keep choosing men who don’t treat me well. Who don’t value me. And I keep repeating the same destructive behavior of bending over backward to try and earn their love in order to make my relationships work.”

Noah’s mind flashed back to high school. Everyone in their class knew that Joe was sleeping around on Maggie, but she’d been completely loyal to him. He’d watched her fight to keep that worthless relationship going until it had all come to a head. Joe’s cheating had finally become so blatant she just couldn’t ignore it anymore.

“So, you’re saying that even the guys you dated in college and afterward were as disrespectful to you as Joe was in high school?

Maggie gave him a solemn nod, then added, “But there is a bright side.”

“What?”

“Through the help of a really good counselor, I’ve finally come to realize that even though I’ve been on a self-destructive path, I am fixable.”

Noah grinned. “I’m glad you realize that.”

Maggie smiled back. “My counselor has helped me understand that my previous relationships didn’t fail completely because of me. They failed because—to be blunt—the men I chose were narcissists who never truly loved anyone but themselves. And I understand now that those relationships were not worth saving anyway.”

“That’s a great step forward, Mags,” Noah said, smiling at the lift of her chin and the determination he saw reflected in those heart-melting eyes.

Now that she’d shared all this with him, his heart began to lift. He understood now why she didn’t have a special man in her life. His thoughts whirled. He’d been called many things in his life, but never a narcissist. Maybe he could finally have his shot with Maggie, ask her out, and move out of the friend zone where he’d been trapped for so long. And maybe, just maybe, he could finally confess the true feelings he’d harbored for her ever since she’d first tutored him in chemistry.

“Yes, it is,” Maggie agreed, breaking into his daydream. “But now, in order to prevent my unhealthy pattern from continuing, I’ve stopped dating completely. No men, no relationships. Period.”

The hopeful high Noah had begun riding only a few seconds ago deflated like a balloon inside him. He felt as if he’d just been sucker punched. “Oh. Uh...for how long?”

She gave a small shrug. “I don’t know. Months? Years maybe? As long as it takes for me to feel confident that I’ll get it right next time.”

Noah fought to keep his expression neutral. This was her solution? Even if he was brave enough to finally ask her out—admittedly a dangerous proposition for her in itself—she’d clearly never agree to it now.

Noah had fallen in love with this woman when he was sixteen years old. And spending this time with her over the past few days had only solidified his feelings. He still loved her deeply. But now a feeling of sadness sank like a rock in the pit of his stomach, because she’d just made it clear that there was nothing he could do about it. He’d finally reconnected with her again, only to be forced into what? More waiting? He felt overwhelmed with the hopelessness of it all. Would their timing ever work out?

“Noah, are you feeling all right?” Maggie was looking at him with concern.

“Yeah, yeah,” he said with a small shake of his head. “I’m just...processing.”

“You know, all of this self-reflection right now is making me think more about you and your situation.” She looked thoughtful.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, now that I understand the truth behind your dating history, the whole story about your FDFs...” She narrowed her eyes at him.

Noah grinned, not even embarrassed anymore.

“I’m starting to wonder if maybe you’re doing some self-sabotaging yourself?”

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