Page 38 of Somewhere Between Falling

“Mr. Clark informed me that you two are in a relationship,” he began.

“Not anymore,” I stated, refusing to glance over to see how Tobias reacted.

“I see.” He lifted his chin, eyeing us both carefully, as if trying to determine if I was telling the truth. “Well, I think it goes without saying that relationships between students and any staff members are frowned upon.”

“Yes, sir.” I bowed my head in embarrassment.

“Be that as it may, it has now been documented with HR and, as I’m sure he told you, I will be looking over the papers you turned in prior to my return to ensure that they were graded appropriately.”

All I could do was nod.

“I will let you know after I have finished. That is all,” he said with a dismissive wave of his hand.

I left quickly, returning to the isolation of my dorm room. Alex was at a track meet, so I had the room to myself. Which was fine because I could wallow in peace without having her try to cheer me up. I didn’t deserve to be cheered up.

I got on my laptop and checked my email. There was nothing new except for an email from my mom sending me some new study material she found for the LSAT and a link to a practice test. As if I didn’t already have all that information.

I glanced at my phone but, of course, there was nothing from Tobias. Not that I expected anything; I knew there wouldn’t be. After all, I made it very clear that we were over, though I still found myself hoping there would be something.

I was feeling a little stir crazy, so I grabbed a random book from my shelf and decided to go for a walk in hopes that the fresh air would clear my head. It was a beautiful day, and though I couldn’t really appreciate it in my current state of mind, I hoped that the sunshine would help my mood. I walked to the College Station Cafe to grab a coffee before looking for a good reading spot on campus, but instead of stopping anywhere, I just kept walking. Focusing on taking one step at a time, and on breathing in and out, helped keep my mind off of Tobias, so I just kept walking and walking until finally I ended up downtown about a block from the bench.

Our bench.

Perhaps I was a masochist, but I knew exactly where I was going to go.

There was someone sitting there already, and for a moment, my heart skipped. As I got closer, however, I realized it wasn’t him, and the pit in my stomach grew in disappointment. I sat down with my coffee and opened the book I had grabbed without paying attention to the title. It was the copy of Little Women I bought that very first day we spent together.Was there anything that didn’t remind me of him anymore?

The pages were too loose to read, but since I couldn’t very well just run back and get a different book, I figured I’d just be careful as I lost myself in the March sisters’ drama. I opened it up gently and a piece of paper fluttered to the ground like I expected it would. I picked it up, assuming it was a page of the book. Instead, I quickly realized it was not a page from the novel but rather the note from Tobias that he sent with the spumoni ice cream. I lovingly reread the words on the handwritten note.

It felt like it was so long ago even though I knew, in reality, it wasn’t. I guess that was to be expected when so much had changed since then. Our time together had been brief, like the flight of a paper airplane. It was a tiny glimpse into the future I wanted but could never have, and I had no one to blame for that but myself.

Chapter Twenty-Three

My head was in a perpetual state of haze.

I was going through the motions of my life, but there was a disconnect; I was merely existing. I forced myself to keep going to class, even though I thought for sure Dr. Kiuchi hated me.I avoided eye contact with Tobias, afraid that if I looked at him my resolve would disintegrate and I’d rush into his arms.So every torturous day for the last four weeks of class, I was the last to arrive and the first to leave. Dr. Kiuchi had regraded all of my previous papers like Tobias had said he would. I managed to keep my low A. That was an uncomfortable conversation, but it could have been much worse if it had turned out that Tobias had given me preferential treatment. Though anyone who knew Tobias would have known he would never have done that in the first place.

The only bright side of my gray state of existence was that Alex’s threat had kept Julie’s mouth shut, so at least there weren’t the whispered rumors I had previously feared. In fact, she seemed so worried that Alex was going to kick her ass if she made one wrong move that she didn’t even crane her neck to see the grade I got on my papers anymore. That was something at least, not that it made anything easier.

I missed him.

Does he miss me, too? I knew it wasn’t fair of me to wonder. After all, I was the one who ended it, but that didn’t stop me from doing so anyway.

The semester was over and there was no longer that obstacle keeping us apart, so what was keeping me from reaching out to him? From telling him that I was sorry and that I missed him? What would he say? Deep down, as much as I missed him, I knew there was a reason I was holding back. I just hadn’t quite figured out what that reason was yet. All I knew was that I was sad, and I had very little time to make up my mind before I was gone for the summer.

I found myself wandering around the bookstore he had taken me to that first day, but even the lure of books wasn’t enough to get him off of my mind. I was about to give up when I heard the chime of the door and happened to look up just in time to see his face.

His careful smile didn’t quite reach his hesitant eyes, as though waiting for my reaction.

“Hi,” I said softly.

“Hi,” he responded just as quietly.

It took every bit of self-control I had not to throw myself at him. I wanted nothing more than to be held in his arms once again. I wanted to tell him I missed him and that I loved him, but mostly that I was sorry. But this was not the place for any of that.

“Can we go somewhere?” I asked. “Private?”

My phone buzzed, but I ignored it.

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