Page 37 of Somewhere Between Falling

Chapter Twenty-One

Tobias was waiting for me outside my dorm room when we returned. He was leaned up against the wall with a defeated look. I would have given anything just to throw myself into his arms, but my mind was made up.

“Can we talk?” he asked nervously. I looked back at Alex who seemed to get the hint without me having to say anything.

“I’ll give you guys some privacy,” Alex said, turning on her heels.

I unlocked the door, and he followed me inside. It felt weird having him here in my space. We had only ever been in his or neutral territory before now. He must have felt weird too, because we both stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, uncertain whether we should sit or stand or maybe run away from it all.

“Tamsin,” he said quietly, “I told Dr. Kiuchi.”

“You did what?” I inhaled a sharp breath in a vain attempt to squash my growing anger. I hated that I tended to cry when I was mad, so I was trying to hold back the tears that threatened to spill over.

“I had to. If Julie told him before I did,I think it would have been worse.”

“But Alex took care of Julie,” I said, throwing my hands up in the air in frustration. “I don’t think she’s going to say anything at all now, so you told him for no reason.”

“There is a reason. It was the right thing to do,” he countered.

“Are they going to kick me out of class? Are they going to fire you?” Endless scenarios played out in my head, each substantially worse than the last.

“No, of course not,” he assured me. “There are just a few minor things that have to change. One, I can’t grade your papers anymore. No big deal. Two, Dr Kiuchi wants to go back through and regrade your previous papers, just to be certain I wasn’t giving you any preferential treatment,” he said with a casual shrug. He was trying too hard to make it sound like it wasn’t a big deal, which made me think that it was, in fact, a big deal.

“He thinks I didn’t actually earn the grades I got?” I was on the defensive. I worked my ass off this semester. Yes, partially because I wanted to impress Tobias, but mostly because it wasn’t in me to do anything with half effort. Did he really give me special treatment? Was everything this semester a lie? He started to reach out to comfort me but reluctantly paused as if he was uncertain how I would respond.

“Don’t.” I put my hand out to stop him. “I told you this was a bad idea. I told you I didn’t want anyone to know until after the semester was over.” This was too much for me to handle.

“I’m sorry.” He looked like he meant it, but it didn’t matter. Everything was ruined.

“Can you just… go? Please?” I turned away from him, certain that if I looked him in the eye, all my resolve would dissipate. “I wish I could go back to the way things were before I met you.”

“Okay, I’ll go,” he said softly, “but I’m not giving up on you, on us, yet.”

I heard the door shut behind me, and only then did I finally let myself cry.

Like a child who meticulously folds a flimsy piece of paper into what they think is the most perfect paper airplane—and how in their hearts they know that this time the airplane is going to fly, only to be crushed by the disappointment of watching it immediately nosedive into the ground…Tobias and I were like that. I knew from the beginning that no matter what we did, it would never be substantial enough to hold fast, yet I let myself believe maybe this time we—well, I—could take flight and find happiness.

Chapter Twenty-Two

It would have been easier if I had just stayed in bed because walking into my Russian lit class today was just as difficult as I thought it would be. Each step I took felt like I was walking through mud, and every inch of my body was screaming at me to turn around.

As soon as I sat down, despite myself, I immediately looked around for Tobias.He was sitting in the corner, chewing on the end of his pencil as he read some papers. He must have felt my eyes on him because he looked up at me, holding contact for a mere moment before returning his attention to the papers on the desk in front of him.

Seeing him hurt more than I expected. How am I going to finish this semester in this much pain?

Dr. Kiuchi soon walked in and began his lecture, but like the first week, I took no notes. Only this time it was not because I was staring at Tobias, completely entranced by the way his mouth moved when he talked, but rather because I was so lost in my own thoughts and hurt that I couldn’t focus on anything else.

In fact, I was so distracted that I didn’t even notice class was over until Dr. Kiuchi said my name.

“Miss Seger, would you please stay?” Dr. Kiuchi asked as he dismissed the class. “I’d like to speak to you.”

“Yes, sir,” I said with a gulp. Here we go. This was the moment I had been dreading.

Julie frantically looked back at me; her eyes were wide in fear. She mouthed “It wasn’t me,” before quickly exiting the classroom.

If I weren’t so nervous about what I was sure Dr. Kiuchi wanted to say, I probably would have found her reaction comical.

He waited until the classroom was empty except for Tobias and me before pulling out a folder from his bag.

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