Page 84 of Unleashing Chaos

I’m sorry for so much that I can never say to her. I’m sorry I’m an emotional mess. I’m sorry I can’t open myself up and be what she needs. I’m sorry that I’ve caused her an ounce of heartache. I’m sorry I let myself pretend for even the smallest moment of time that she could be mine.

I need to move, to refocus my thoughts. I’m two seconds away from growing my bangs out and spending my days wallowing in depressing music. I walk past her, but not before placing my hand on her shoulder and squeezing once, hoping it gives her some kind of comfort. It’s not the touch I wish I could give her, but at least it’s something.

“What can I do to fix this?” I ask, pacing the room.

She looks up at me and turns around on the bench, throwing a leg over either side. I struggle to keep my eyes on her face and my thoughts safely focused on the topic at hand.

“I don’t know, Jace. Nothing short of—” She stops and shakes her head. “There’s no use saying it because it’s not going to happen. You’ve told me and shown me in every possible way, and I respect your decision. That’s all I’m trying to do.” Getting off the bench, she meets me where I stand. For the first time since she came into the room she puts her hands on me, sliding them up my abdomen, over my rib cage, and around to the back of my neck. “Because if I continue to spend time with you the way we’ve been spending time together the last few weeks, well . . . I’m going to become one of those people who just keeps pushing for the answer I want. And I don’t want to be like that. I just can’t leave this room with you thinking I don’t want you or you did something wrong. Because it couldn’t be further from the truth.”

“Everything is so confusing about this. But I do know one thing.” I cup her face in my hand and run my thumb over her cheekbone. “I meant what I said to you the other night. You deserve better than being handed my broken heart and my flimsy trust. I do wish it was different, Desideria.”

The tears in her eyes finally spill over and she nods, swiping them away with the back of her hand. “I know you meant it. I think that’s why it hurt so bad. Because it also enrages me to no end that Hannah and your mother wrecked your trust so much that you can’t even let me all the way in. Not just me, but anyone. I wish you would’ve let me kick Hannah’s ass the other day. I could’ve knocked her out with one left hook. And your mom. I don’t even know the whole story about what she did but I’d—”

“She left a seventeen-year-old kid to figure out how he was going to pay for his dad’s cancer treatments when she decided being a wife and mother wasn’t her thing anymore. I was there holding my dad’s hand when he took his final breath, and she was in Florida starting her new life without us. No one was there to comfort me through it. I planned the funeral, I paid the hospital bills, and I sent her what was left of the life they built together in a single check. She cashed it without so much as a thank-you. I gave Hannah part of me that I had protected against that hurt, thinking it would be enough. It wasn’t, and when she left, she decimated that too.” I stop talking and realize I’m out of breath. After everything she has done for me, I wanted to give Desi something. So I offered her the truth that I’d only shared with one other person, Dr. Holloman. It wasn’t nearly enough, but it was a small token to show her how much she means to me.

Her lips part and without hesitation, she throws her arms around my neck and pulls me close to her. “Jace, that is . . . I don’t even know what to say,” she whispers against my ear. “I’m so, so sorry. You deserve so much better than that. I know that was hard for you to share with me. Thank you for doing that. It means more than you know.”

I nod and pull her back to my chest. If this is it, if I never get to touch her again, I’m going to be selfish and make this moment last. The way her body fits against mine, the way she smells, the sound of her breathing, the feel of her skin, I’ll take and take until she is done with me, because I don’t want to be done with this little hurricane.

Twenty-six

DESI

Jace’s loud-as-hell yelling wakes me from a deep sleep, and I shoot up in bed, my hair out of control and my tank top twisted. I spring to my feet and without bothering to right my clothing, sprint to his room and fling the door open.

“Jace, what the hell happened? Are you okay?” I exclaim, my chest rising and falling as my panic mounts.

He’s jumping up and down on his bed with his phone in his hand. His hair is standing in every direction, and he wears a smile so bright it’s lighting up the room. “Edmonds is going to sign!”

He holds his hand out to me and I timidly place my fingers against his. The next thing I know, we’re holding hands and jumping on his bed together. I’ve never seen him let his guard down and give in to his happiness the way he is right now.

This moment with Jace is so wildly different from the one we shared in the gym a few days ago. We’ve talked since, watched a movie or two, eaten meals together, but that moment where he held me close like he was never going to get to touch me again was the last emotionally charged interaction we’ve had until now.

“Jace, I’m so happy for you!” I exclaim, giggling when he pulls me against him and tickles my ribs.

“It’s thanks to you, Desideria, I swear,” he says, and our jumping slows until we’re standing a few inches away from each other. “Matt never would have talked me up so much if it weren’t for you.”

I shake my head. “You did all the work. You deserve all the credit. Not me.”

“But—” His smile falters a bit and the light in his eyes dulls just a shade. “I need one more favor from you.”

“Okay?”

“Matt didn’t just talk me up during our video conference call yesterday. He mentioned you to Edmonds. And he wants to meet you since Matt sang your praises. It looks like I’m going to need my girlfriend one more time.”

“Of course I’ll help. What day is your meeting?”

Jace runs his hand over the back of his neck and looks away from me. “We’re signing the papers at Matt’s office. Which is in New York. Next week.” He looks at me and flashes an innocent smile that has me going gooey on the inside. “I know your time is running short, Desi, and I understand if you can’t. Not to mention, you just drew your line in the sand, and here I am not only leaping over it but completely obliterating it with a long weekend in New York City.”

“Jace, stop. I’ll go.”

He looks at me as if I just spoke a language he’s never heard. “What? Just like that?”

“Yeah, you dork. Just like that. You’re my friend. You’ve done more for me in the past two months than I can count. I wouldn’t deny you this, not when it’s the last step to making your dream come true! The big city, right? The one with all the tall buildings and the green lady with the torch?”

He laughs and nods. “That’s the one.”

“That sounds like fun. Will we have time to do touristy stuff too? You’ll be able to take me places?”

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