Page 101 of Unleashing Chaos

It’s surreal to think that my time in this realm is already up. I never forgot that it was ticking down day by day, but another part of me felt like I had all the time in the world. The thought of leaving this house feels like a foreign concept. Or maybe it’s knowing that I’m leaving Jace. I hate it. Deep in my gut it feels so wrong.

Every woman who has held an important role in Jace’s life has walked away without a fight. They never showed him that he was worth more than enduring pain. They had limits to what they would do for him, but I don’t.

I care about him. So much that I’ll fight for him but let him go if that’s what he wants. Either way, I want him to understand I’d do anything for him. If I knew it wouldn’t cause harm in the end, I’d even consider not returning to Infernis for him.

I sink lower in the tub and close my eyes. I picture every heavy emotion that plagues me turning into iridescent bubbles. My father’s health. My pending eternity with Cannon. My self-doubt about ruling a Circle. My fear of leaving Jace. Each problem floats away until they burst into nothingness.

The calm of a presence I’ve come to know as if it were my own washes over me, and I inch my eyes open. Jace sits on the side of the tub, his eyes locked on me, as his index finger slides along his bottom lip.

“Did I doze off?” I ask.

“You did. I’m glad my plan to get you to relax worked.”

I lift my lips in a halfhearted smile. “You look like you could use a little relaxing yourself. You could always join me. There’s plenty of room.”

Jace chuckles as he stands and pulls his shirt over his head. “Can’t refuse that offer.”

He strips down, and I take the opportunity to memorize every cut of muscle and little imperfection. I want the image of Jace Wilder seared into my memory for the rest of my existence.

He motions for me to sit up and slides his body behind mine. I relax against his chest and pull his arms around my waist. My body surrounded by his could easily be my favorite place.

We sit in silence for a few minutes, and Jace adds more hot water to the tub while I sprinkle in another handful of lavender bath salts. When we sink back under the water, he runs his fingers across my stomach and I’m resting my hands on his legs. It’s nice, just being in his presence, but I have too many things on my mind to keep them all bottled up. I’m about to break the silence when Jace speaks first.

“Desi, I want you to know something.”

I sit up and turn to face him, pulling my legs in close to my body and scooting between his thighs so we’re as close as possible. “What is it?”

He wraps his arms around me and rests his hands on my lower back, his thumb drawing circles on my skin under the water. “That this has never been about you and me.”

I cock my head to the side. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, it—it’s never been a matter of whether or not I want to go with you. Or if I think we’re compatible. I know we are. That’s why this sucks so goddamn much,” he says, his voice suddenly hard, anger bursting out of him like he’s been holding it in for weeks.

I scoot in closer, wrapping my legs around him, placing my palms on his cheeks. I’m scared to say what I want to say, scared he’ll direct that anger at me, and I don’t want that, least of all in our last days together. But I need to say it. “But it doesn’t have to be like this, Jace. I would never hurt you. Not in all of eternity, not for all the riches and wonders my realm has to offer.”

“I wish it could be me. I wish I could look past my issues and the soul-splitting pain I felt putting my trust in someone else. What you’re offering is forever, and I don’t get how that’s possible. Hearts change, unconditional love bends until it has conditions, sacrifices are easy to make until they demand everything. Forever always comes to an end.” He slides the back of his fingers over the side of my face. “Not only do I wish it could be me, but I wish I had a heart like yours.”

The heart he just spoke about is cracking, and I know I should stop before I break it right in half, but I can’t. I can’t let it go. “Jace, you do. You do have a heart like mine. I’ve seen it. What happened to you doesn’t have to define who you are now. You’ve trusted me with your darkest secrets these past weeks. Why can’t you trust me enough to let me make you happy?” Tears fill my eyes but I blink them away, refusing to break down. I need to be strong for him.

“This isn’t about happiness! It’s about the hard times. The moment everything doesn’t go to plan. It’s about love not being enough to keep a wife by her dying husband’s hospital bed. It’s about a mother bailing on her seventeen-year-old son and letting him figure out how to care for his dad. It’s about learning your fiancé may never walk again, never make it to the altar, and running away. It’s about love not being enough to sustain a person through the hardest times.”

Jace drops his arms to his sides, gasping for breath. His eyes brim with tears and all the determination to fight has drained from him. His soul is naked before me, exposing every deep cut and scar. I’ve never seen him so vulnerable before.

He cradles my face in his palms and gives me the most painful glimpse of his truth as he says, “I don’t have a heart like yours, Desideria. You give yours without a second thought. I’m holding on to the scraps of mine with clenched fists. Don’t get me wrong. You’re sliding those broken pieces out through my fingers, stealing them one by one, but I’m not giving them freely. I’m terrified to hand you even one piece. You’ll be the woman who has the power to obliterate what’s left of me. I’m begging you to keep what you’ve already stolen and leave me with what little I have left. Please.”

The tears welling in his eyes break me. I know now that there is nothing I can say to change his mind. Nothing I can say to make him see that forever with me could be the happiest he’s ever been. I may be immortal, I may have the power to levitate televisions across the room, but I don’t have the power to heal the wounds that the most important women in his life inflicted before I came into it.

I lean forward and rest my head against his chest, listening to his rapid heartbeat. “I’m sorry, Jace. I’m so sorry. I wish I could make it better.”

“You do,” he says, wrapping me in his arms and kissing the top of my head. “I don’t want to think about past hurts and the future. I just want to get lost in you while you’re still here. Let me take your mind off everything but me.”

I swallow and sit up to meet his gaze. “I don’t want to think about any of that either. All I want is to be with you.” I run a finger down the center of his chest. “I want . . . I want to put my mouth on you.”

He slides a soapy hand over my breast and lightly pinches my nipple. His lips glide up my neck, and his breath is warm against my ear as he says, “And where exactly do you want to put your mouth? Say it, little hurricane.”

I lean back so I can see his face and look him in the eye before saying, “I want to suck your cock.” Moving back toward him, I brush my mouth against his, nip his bottom lip, and murmur, “And I want to do it now.” He twitches underneath me, and I grin against his mouth.

“On your knees, princess,” he commands, moving up the back of the tub until he is sitting on the edge. He grips his hard length and I watch in awe as his hand slides up and down. He is irresistible like this.

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