Page 77 of Unleashing Chaos

I burrow into him, and my eyes get heavy. I’m so sleepy, but I want him to stay. I have a feeling, though, that he won’t. Not all night. The first time we messed around he didn’t stay, and he only did in Infernis because he had no choice. So I force my eyelids to stay open.

“Thank you for today, Jace,” I whisper into the dark. “I enjoyed every single second of it.”

“You’re welcome. Thanks for laying it on extra thick with Hannah. I know it’s petty, but I enjoyed watching her squirm.”

I grin and nip at his collarbone. “Making her squirm gave me a thrill that was probably a little sadistic, but what can I say? I am a literal demon with the prince of Wrath for a big brother. So I guess I have an excuse.”

“I would have sworn Wrath was your Circle in that moment,” he says, twirling my hair around his finger. “I like watching your demon side let go. You should give in to that chaos more often.”

I raise an eyebrow and say, “Oh? You think I should be more chaotic than I already am? You? Mr. Neat and Tidy? I’m truly shocked.”

“It’s in your nature, little hurricane, not mine. But I’ll admit I’m starting to recognize how much fun it can be.”

“Fair enough.” I place my palm on his cheek and bring his lips down to mine. “I promise to explore my more chaotic side if you promise to stop punishing yourself for what your mother and Hannah did to you,” I whisper, biting the inside of my cheek and hoping I haven’t said too much. “One day, Jace, please, let yourself trust someone. Or at least try.”

He kisses the tip of my nose. “I’m working on it. You’ve made it a little easier to do. I know exactly what I’m getting with you. You’re not meant to stay, and I already know how this ends. So I just bask in moments like this, knowing they aren’t tainted with false promises of forever.”

I swallow, and I’m suddenly glad this room is dark because I’m sure hurt just crossed my features. How can he say he trusts me if he thinks that during any moment with me I’d make false promises? My chest caves in on itself, and I genuinely have no clue what to say to that.

Doesn’t he know that if he would give me a chance, I’d—

I shake my head and close my eyes. There’s no point in even thinking it.

It can never be.

I even out my breathing and feign sleep because I have nothing more to say. If I open my mouth to speak, my voice is sure to crack, and tears will fall. He’ll know he hurt me, he’ll feel bad, and tonight will be ruined.

A few minutes pass before Jace eases out of my hold. He pulls the blankets around my shoulders, tucking me in like a small child. The touch of his lips on my brow kick-starts my heart. I want to pull him back in the bed with me, but I curl my fingers into the sheet below me and keep my breathing slow. I don’t know why it’s important that he believes I’m asleep, but something deep inside me demands that I don’t so much as flex a toe.

He speaks in a whisper so quiet it’s hard to hear him. But I make out enough of his words.

“I wish you’d come into my life earlier, when I still had half my heart to give you. It wouldn’t have been what you deserved, but I would have loved you totally with that half. Now, I can’t even gather all the pieces and put them back together. It’s just a dark void inside of me that you’ve shined a little light into. Thank you for that, Desi.”

Footsteps pad across my room and the door opens and closes behind him.

Now that I’m alone, I let the tears fall and wish with everything in me that things were different.

Twenty-four

DESI

The first of my mistakes was thinking I could curb the growth of my feelings for Jace while being physical with him. In my head, it was an excellent notion. People do it all the time with no problems. I’m just not made that way. My second mistake was ignoring Jace at all costs for the past two days. I’ve made things awkward in the house, and I’m not sure how to fix it. Thankfully, I have someone willing to listen and prone to giving good advice.

I sit across from Meredith at her immaculate kitchen table. Everything about her house is pristine, from the white leather couches to the bright flower arrangements. One would never guess that two children live here. Even the half-empty bottle of wine and plate of chocolate covered strawberries resting between us looks picturesque.

“I can’t believe you did it. You’ve done the impossible and gotten under Jace Wilder’s tough exterior. You’ve got to tell me. He’s amazing, isn’t he? He has to be. Ugh, I am so living vicariously through you.” She sighs, leaning back in her white wooden chair like she’s lost in a daydream. “Not that Jeremy isn’t good at the bedroom stuff. But he’s tired, and with the kids, it’s hard to find time. I’m sex deprived.”

My skin flushes at the memory of me and Jace in the pool, not to mention any of the moments that came before. “Yeah. He’s phenomenal. Like, I have nothing to compare it to, right? But I somehow know that there’s nothing better. And that’s part of my problem.”

“All right, we’ve established that the man is ruining you for all other men in the bedroom, but what’s the bigger problem?”

I take a long swig of my wine. “It’s nothing that the entire world doesn’t already know. Jace is emotionally shut off, and I want more. And not because I’m selfish, but because he deserves more. He thinks he’s broken but I’m starting to see that he inflicts most of the hurting on himself these days.”

I hadn’t even truly realized until Jace’s whispered words the other night how much I wanted the chance for him to be my eternal partner. And to know that if the timing had been different, it might have happened? It was devastating in a steamrolling over my heart kind of way. I didn’t expect to feel that pain. If what I felt was a fraction of what Jace’s heart went through, I couldn’t imagine functioning day after day.

“You can’t force someone to heal and leave that pain behind when they aren’t ready. Jace has never talked to me about what happened between him and Hannah, but I saw how he changed. The man who locks himself in that house and buries himself in work is the product of a broken heart and an accident that almost took his life. He’s so guarded now. I don’t think those walls he’s built will ever allow him to love like that again.”

The Jace Meredith describes might be the one he lets her see, but I know someone else. Yes, he’s cautious about letting others in, but when he does, he’s funny and kind and affectionate.

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