Page 112 of Unleashing Chaos

He raises a dark eyebrow. “You met someone?”

“Remember my roommates I told you about?” Dr. Holloman nods and I continue, “Desi. It’s her. I know I said when they moved in that I was setting firm boundaries and there would be no drama, but things happened, and she and I ended up in this . . .” I tilt my head back and forth. “Fake dating scenario that sort of turned into a real dating scenario.”

“Fake dating? People actually do that?” He holds up his hand and shakes his head. “On second thought, let’s not go there right now. I don’t need details. So, the fake dating turned into something more.”

I swallow and lean back against the chair, staring at the ceiling before meeting his gaze. “That’s an understatement. Doc, she’s perfect. Smart, kind, funny as hell, beautiful. But even if I was open to a relationship, she has these over-the-top family responsibilities, and I just signed this talented designer to my firm. She had no choice but to move back home to take her place in her,” I pause and choose my words carefully, “family business. So to even date casually, I’d have to move, and I just can’t.”

“Why can’t you? You work at a computer screen and own your own business. I’m having a hard time seeing what’s tying you down.”

I went through a couple of doctors before choosing Dr. Holloman. At first I was wary. He only has a decade on me at best, and he looks more like a rock god with his black hair and stubble than a psychiatrist. Then I saw the colorful tattoos of movie and video game characters on his arms. I knew then I was in the presence of a fellow nerd and my first connection with him was made. But the thing that hooked me with Dr. Holloman was the first discussion we had. I hated feeling coddled and treated like everything I was doing was a normal part of my healing process. He told me he didn’t serve up shit sandwiches, that I wouldn’t always leave feeling warm and fuzzy, but I would always know he’d told me the truth and given me the opportunity to tell mine. His straightforward approach spoke to me, and he’s kept his word to this day.

“I just can’t do it. I’m focused on the business, and you know I’ve come to the conclusion relationships aren’t for me. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us,” I say, because I can’t explain to him that I can’t run a business in the human realm from Infernis.

“Even if it’s with a ‘perfect’ woman? The business would still be your focus? You wouldn’t reconsider your decision about relationships?”

“Yeah?” I say, cringing at how unsure I sound.

“That’s your decision to make, Jace. But I wonder if you’ve considered how she feels about all this?”

Emotion builds inside of me and gets lodged in my throat. “She left yesterday morning.”

He nods once, but infuriatingly, he presses, “That’s not what I asked. How does she feel about it? Did you talk to her? Ask her what she wanted?”

“It doesn’t matter what she wants because I’m not going there again. I can’t.”

He narrows his eyes. “That’s what I thought. You’re hiding behind your career and behind the first approach you mastered that kept you safe. What is this really about? Stop hiding.”

“I’ve worked hard to get where I am. I can’t give that up!” The anger in my voice is proof of my denial even to me, so I change tactics. “Her life is out of this world. She deserves a guy who’s made for that. I’m not fancy parties and black ties.”

He cocks his head to the side. “So, you can’t give up what exactly? The wall you’ve built so high that you’ve given up a person who clearly brought you joy? Because you don’t think you’d be a good date at parties or be comfortable wearing a tuxedo? Or because you had come to a decision that is most definitely reversible after you have clearly made progress with this woman? We’ve always been real with each other, Jace, so I have to say—I call bullshit.” He points at his three degrees on the wall. “I know I look like I’m fresh out of undergrad, but you do realize I went to school for a long time to earn those pieces of paper. I know when a patient is in denial. It’s Psych 101. And you are in it.” He stands and comes to sit next to me in the other armchair. “Be honest with yourself: Are you happier with this woman or without her? And if it’s with her, are those things you would have to ‘give up’ worth losing the chance to be with her?”

“I’m so happy with her, and that’s what scares me. I’d be good for her, and she’s so good for me. We connected because we complemented each other so well. But it’s a risk. An emotional risk that didn’t work out for me and Hannah, and it didn’t work out for my dad.”

“And whose fault was that?”

I drag my palms over my face. The excuse has me taking ten steps back in the progress I’ve made. The good doctor is about to make me put check myself.

“My mother’s. It was her decision and her failure. I didn’t make her leave and neither did my father. We did nothing wrong. I know that. I’ve known that for over a year now. The same with Hannah. She was selfish, unable to care about anyone but herself. I was never at fault for her shortcomings. I know all that is true, but sometimes it’s hard to believe.”

“This woman you care for is not them, Jace.” The conviction in Dr. Holloman’s voice is the same I found in Desi’s when she told me the same thing.

“I know.”

“Did Desi want you to go with her when she left?”

I give a curt nod, not trusting my voice to remain steady.

Dr. Holloman leans forward so I have no choice but to meet his eyes. “I need you to honestly answer this one question: Why didn’t you go with her, Jace?”

“I’m scared. I’ve told myself for so long that I don’t believe in forever. I’m always waiting for the moment when the true, long-lasting feelings come into play. They’ll realize I was a mistake. That we were a mistake.” I pause, remembering every moment Desi and I spent together. “But how could something that felt so right be a mistake?”

Dr. Holloman raises his eyebrows and says, “It’s not a mistake, Jace. You and Desi are not a mistake, even if feelings were to change. It’s the risk we all take when we open ourselves to that kind of love.”

I suck in a breath and hot tears burn the back of my eyes. He’s right. I was too scared to take that risk for her. I let another man take my place with the woman I love.

Love.

I love her. I love Desideria more than I could have ever imagined myself loving another person. I’m causing more damage to myself by letting her go than Hannah or my mother did put together. I’m denying myself the chance to be loved and return that love to someone deserving. But it doesn’t matter now because she’s gone, and there is nothing I can do to get her back. Ever.

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