Page 111 of Unleashing Chaos

“Something about they always shrink and then they’re too short and too small in the ass and blah, blah, blah. You’ll get a lecture about it if you do it, trust me.” My stomach does some kind of painful turn and I add, “Oh yeah, and don’t forget to put her cups face down. She’ll just waste time turning them back over and explaining why you’re wrong if you don’t.”

Cannon groans and leans his head back on the arm of the couch. “For fuck’s sake, y’all and your cups. See, you know all these things about her. All I know is she loves fried pickles and likes to read smutty romance novels.”

My heart squeezes like it’s in a vise, but I press on. I need Cannon to have the confidence that he can take care of her. I have to know that he’s ready. “You know things about her. You’re her best friend. I bet you two have had all sorts of conversations I haven’t been privy to.”

“No, man. Most of my conversations with her were about you. She was an open book and never held back what she was thinking. You heard it all. In fact, I think she dived a little deeper with you than she did with me.”

The lump growing in my throat makes it hard to breathe. My chest hurts like a motherfucker and my heart is racing. I can’t get a firm grip on my emotions and that gut-sinking feeling is pulling me down. It’s been weeks since I felt like this, but I never forgot what it signals.

I leap to my feet and stomp into the kitchen. My hands shake as I rip open the cupboard with my daily vitamins and push them to the side. I snag the orange prescription bottle from the back and rip off the cap. My nerves are so on edge that my hands shake as I cram the medication under my tongue. I glance at the stove, knowing I have at least twenty minutes of managing my anxiety on my own.

Cannon stands on the other side of the kitchen island with concern written all over his face. “Can I get you anything or would you like to talk? I can stay quiet and listen if you just need to ramble.”

I shake my head and grab two bowls from the cabinet on the other side of the kitchen. With the box of cereal and milk in hand, I set to work. My mind is a mess, but the simple task gives me a slight peace of mind. It’s familiar, predictable, and keeps me busy until my meds can kick in.

I hand Cannon a bowl of peanut butter puffs and slide onto the stool beside him. We don’t say a word as we shovel spoonfuls of cereal into our mouths. Since the accident, no one other than Desi has witnessed one of my panic attacks. I wait for the judgmental stare and awkwardness to kick in, followed by the inevitable sense of shame. But those things don’t come. Cannon remains a quiet presence, and I have to admit it’s nice not to spiral alone.

Placing my spoon in my empty bowl, I say, “I’m not all right.”

“That’s okay. You don’t always have to be all right. I just don’t want you to always be not all right.”

“I’m not, but I think I’m in a place where that could happen,” I admit.

Cannon’s eyes cut to me and he pushes his bowl aside. “What can you do to head those feelings off? Stop them before it’s too late?”

I sigh and slide my fingers into my hair, gripping it at the roots. “I need to call my therapist.”

“I didn’t even know you—”

“Yeah. I don’t talk about it a lot, but Desi knew.” I stop and shake my head, looking down at the table. “Desi knew everything.”

Cannon swivels his stool so he can look me in the face. “I’m sorry that you aren’t in a place to take what you want. I promise I’ll take care of her. You won’t have to worry if she’s okay.”

I lift my head and meet his concerned gaze. “Thank you, Cannon.”

“You’re welcome.” He nods and stands. “I’ve got to finish packing. Are you okay for right now?”

“Yeah, I’ll be all right.” I get to my feet and hold my hand out to him. He grips my fingers and pulls me into a hug. It is then that I realize that I not only lost Desi, but I’m losing someone who has been a great friend to me. I swallow down my emotion and release him. As I grab the dirty bowls, he straightens his shirt, covering the sharp points of a tattoo on his chest.

“If I don’t see you before I go tomorrow morning, take care, Jace.”

“You too, Cannon.”

Cannon rushes up the stairs, taking them two at a time. As soon as he’s out of sight I drag my hand over my face. The decision I made was with Desi’s best interest at heart. It should give me some peace knowing I did right by her, but it feels so wrong. I haven’t felt like this since I came home from the hospital and found Hannah’s ring sitting on the counter with a letter saying Sorry, Jace. I just can’t do this.

I pick up my phone and scroll through my contacts. My thumb hovers over Holloman’s name. We cut down my visits to once a month shortly after I started my own business. I had decided I was fine with living my life just for me, with no romantic relationship. I was doing better, and I needed the extra time for work. We aren’t scheduled to meet again for ten days, but I don’t think I can wait that long. I meant what I said to Cannon; I’m scared that my mental state could take a turn for the worse if I don’t talk to someone. I need a voice of reason as soon as possible. I press Dr. Holloman’s contact, and within minutes I’m scheduled to meet with him tomorrow.

I already feel a little better. If anyone can help me through this, he can.

“Jace?”

I sit up in my chair and drop the Psychology Today magazine I’d been thumbing through onto the table next to me. A sigh of relief escapes me knowing I’m one step closer to working through this disaster.

Dr. Holloman stands in his office doorway, welcoming me inside with a sweep of his tattooed arm. “Jace, good to see you. Come on in, have a seat.” He gestures to the fluffy, red armchairs and takes the seat across from them. I plop down in one with a heavy sigh. “Hey, Doc. Thank you for fitting me in.”

“Of course. It was clear you needed to talk.” He leans back in his chair and steeples his fingers in front of his mouth. “What’s going on?”

I shrug, unsure where to start, so I just let my feelings flow. “I feel like I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life, and at the same time, I know I did the right thing. I’m not in a position to take on more responsibility. I’m focused on my career, and I don’t want to give that up. But another part of me feels like that is so stupid when I really like someone. I haven’t connected with someone like this in forever.”

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