Page 88 of Sizzle Reel

Noam, I’m bi.

I don’t care if Wes knows. And I know Noam won’t even care.

Still, I walk out the door before I can muster up the courage. And even though coming out to my brother wasn’t an issue before I got here, my chest feels heavier as I drive to Romy’s and my apartment.

Romy answers the door with a bowl of peanut M&M’S and a frown on her face. I’ve just spent thirty seconds fumbling for my key outside, but I’m still confused by her expression. Why would Romy not be beaming at me? I read those texts right, right? But, oh shit, I should’ve brought something to celebrate with. Because even though Noam suggested I confide in Romy, I came here solely to celebrate. Maybe I can ask her if we can go to the convenience store below the apartment. God, I’m so glad she’s in my life. I’ve been off the rails for no good reason. I’ve been shitty to her. I don’t say it enough, but I’ll say it tonight—

I do nothing to deserve it, but she pulls me into a hug.

“Wyatt told me what happened at the party,” she says.

I told myself the whole car ride here that I wouldn’t cry, but I hear those words and the tears choke me and drip onto Romy’s shirt. She just holds me tighter.

She leads me to the couch, and I drop onto my back, my head on her leg.

“I don’t understand what went so wrong,” I say once the sobs start to clear.

“We have a lot to unpack, but what Valeria did was bullshit. If her team was going to be so sensitive to her dating a former P.A. or assistant or whatever, she should have told you to be as tight-lipped as possible.” She looks down at me. “Although I guess she did say to keep it on the D.L. It might be worth apologizing for misunderstanding.”

I’m too tired to argue at this point. I still have to figure out what the hell to do about Wyatt and his job, and I have to sort out my career now that Valeria’s royally pissed off at me and her team, but this is a start. I’ll just text Val and then I can focus on being a good friend to Romy.

I know you said you wanted space, and I will respect that, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am about what happened. I wasn’t tactful, and I’m sorry for betraying your trust. It was completely immature and I understand if you’re mad at me. But…if your team was going to get so pissed about us being together, why didn’t you tell me point blank that we would have to pretend not to be dating?

I send the text and let Romy stuff my phone in my bag. Out of sight, out of mind.

“Do you think she’s ever gonna talk to me again?” I ask.

Romy shrugs, running her hand through my hair. It feels good. “I think she’s much more likely to forgive you than her team, that’s for sure.”

I dig the heels of my hands into my eyes. “I just can’t believe it got this far. For god’s sake, all I wanted was to lose my fucking virginity.”

Romy stirs, lightly pushing me out of her lap. I turn to her. She doesn’t look mad; she looks perplexed. “Why do you wanna loseyour virginity so badly?”

I wipe my hands on the couch cushions. “I just wanna have sex like every other allosexual human on Earth.”

“Yeah, but we weren’t constructing elaborate plans for you to lose your virginity when you thought you only liked guys. Why is it so different with girls?”

The clamminess in my hands isn’t going away, and it feels like I’m going to dehydrate through my fingertips. Still, the tears are ready to spill again. “I don’t wanna be the clueless one again. You know this. I had to be the clueless one all through high school, then I got to college and, sure, dating a little helped, but I couldn’t even sleep with Wyatt. I felt bad enough about everything when it was just about guys. Now”—I throw my hands up—“I’m right back where I was, and I’m so tired of being judged for it.”

“Who’s judging you? Who is telling you that you need to have ‘fucked’ a girl to be bisexual?”

I take a deep breath. I have to keep it together. “Society! People like Alice and Devon and my parents and—” I squeeze my eyes shut. They sting. “I don’t know what this is. Bisexual feels right but—I mean, what do I even know? If I can’t even say I slept with a girl, is this real? I need to go all in, Romy. Because otherwise how the fuck do I explain this to my parents one day? ‘Oh, yeah, I’m attracted to more than just boys.’ You think that’ll be enough for them? I say that, and they’ll say then I can choose to be with a guy. And just—I need this cemented. I need this to be as real as possible. And I want this. Why do you think I don’t want this?”

Romy puts a hand on the couch cushion next to my leg. Not on it. “I do think you want it. Luna, I believe you. I know bisexual is real. I know what you’re going through is real. But that’s just what being queer involves. You’re gonna deal with biphobic people, and sometimes that’s gonna be your family. It just makes them shitty, not you. I’ve personally never gotten a fire-and-brimstone vibe from them, but god knows Gen X loves surprising you in terrible ways. And that’s scary. But you don’t have to prove anything to any of them. If you do any of this, you have to do it for you.”

“How can you say that like it’s so easy? And I’m not even talking about whether my bisexuality is valid. That isn’t what we’ve been fighting about for weeks. I’ve been trying to figure this shit out, but sometimes it feels like I’m just trying to follow your advice to a T, and it’s just not working. It doesn’t feel right for me. If you’re just looking out for my best interests, why won’t you just let me fuck someone?”

“Come on. I’m not telling you that you can’t fuck anyone. I’m not even telling you that you can’t fuck Valeria.”

“But you are! Can’t you see that? You haven’t been supportive of this relationship ever since she started showing interest in me! What was that shit with the mousse and cuddling up to her at karaoke? What were you trying to accomplish?”

Romy looks away. “It’s not easy to explain. It was a mistake. Maybe I was a little jealous, I don’t know. I just—I think you’re acting reckless. Of course you can do what you want—”

“Do you even remember what you were like in college? You were reckless all the time! Going to clubs with Wyatt, being with people whose names you didn’t even remember, flirting with everyone you could. Why are you of all people calling me reckless?”

“Because this is new for you. Your recklessness is different from mine. Look at you! You’re ranting about how much it sucks to be bisexual, and then you expect me to think that this obsession with fucking Valeria comes from a place of pure passion and curiosity. News flash, Luna: Fucking Valeria won’t solidify your queerness, it won’t make your parents accept you, and it won’t make it easier for you to accept yourself!”

The tears are falling again. Even Romy’s eyes are watery. “Then where’s the joy in this? What’s the point of doing all this if I can’t even get my family to fully accept me? I swear to god, Romy, sometimes I just wish I’d never even delved into this. I could’ve just been a stupid straight girl with a stupid husband my parents set me up with and have occasional fantasies about women and think, Oh, that’s what straight girls do.”

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