Page 101 of Every Beat of My Heart

Mr. Miller nodded, but there was pity in his eyes.

I tried not to let it get to me, to make me feel like less than, but I did. It was like every insecurity I’d ever had was rushing back to me. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t smart enough. I was the funny one. I was lazy. I didn’t care about my future. I’d screwed up, and it sucked.

I went home, not even bothering to turn on the lights in my apartment. I hadn’t found a new place. In fact, I’d suspended the search because I was busy with work and the farm. It was fitting that I still lived in the garage at my dad’s property because I felt like a fraud.

I wanted to talk to Claire, to warn her. I was worried that she’d lose her job too. The difference was that she had a permanent position. That came with protections that subbing didn’t. And my coaching job was on a temporary basis. I never worried about it because I was a good coach. I might not have the most wins, but I made a difference in those kids’ lives.

It sucked that I couldn’t finish out the season. What would the kids think? Would they think I was a disappointment too?

Once school was out for the day, I texted Claire.

Did administration talk to you?

I didn’t get a response until much later, after I’d grabbed a beer. Somehow, I forgot to eat lunch and dinner. I just went straight to drinking.

Yes.

Do you still have a job?

Let me call you after Owen goes to bed.

I wanted to go over there, but I wasn’t in any shape to drive. I hadn’t eaten. I probably needed a shower, and now I was drinking like a chump alone in my apartment. She didn’t want me there, especially if I was the reason she got called down to the principal’s office.

I drank another beer, my stomach twisted into knots while I waited. My head ached, and my stomach rumbled, but I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t do anything besides sit in a dark room and feel sorry for myself.

Finally, my phone rang.

“Jameson?”

“Hey.” My voice was rough from a day of disuse, so I cleared my throat and tried again, “What happened?”

“They wanted to talk about the video.”

I couldn’t tell from her tone whether the conversation went in the same direction mine had.

“I said we were dating. That we never did anything inappropriate on school property. In fact, the only time I talked to you in the school building was this morning. We intentionally kept it a secret. But I’m not sure they believed me.”

I let my head fall back. “I didn’t even think about Owen. He knows we’re seeing each other. But he didn’t need to see us attacking each other on video.”

Claire was quiet for a few seconds before she said softly, “He never saw me be affectionate with his father. I hope he sees how much I care for you. But I see how he might be embarrassed to have that broadcast throughout the school.”

“I’m so sorry, Claire. I screwed up.”

“I think we both screwed up. But how could either one of us anticipate that someone would be following us and record a private moment? No one should have ever seen that, and we should be able to be ourselves on my front porch.”

I gripped the phone tighter feeling the shame and guilt pile on higher. “What about your job? They didn’t suspend you pending the investigation, did they?”

“No, but I think that has more to do with their shortage of teachers than anything else. I heard you lost yours though.”

“I’ve been banned from teaching at that middle school. I’m not sure how that will affect me from getting jobs in the future.” I hated that I couldn’t do what I loved most: teach and coach. “They’re replacing me as the football coach too.”

“I’m so sorry, Jameson. I know how much you love that position.”

I ran a hand through my hair. “I took them to the playoffs, and I won’t be able to see how it turns out.”

“Owen will be so upset. All the kids will be.”

I chuckled without any humor. “This is what the parents wanted. If I don’t do exactly what they ask, I’ll lose my job. And not just based on my performance. No, they’ll dig through my personal life and air it to anyone who will watch.”

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