Page 125 of For Real

His hand was sweating, or mine was. I was desperate to tell him he didn’t have to listen to these people, that he was everything I wanted and needed, exactly as he was, but I didn’t know how. Not without making him look weak—weaker—in their eyes.

“Look.” I heard the anxious waver in his voice. “That’s…uh…really nice and everything, but it’s up to Laurie.”

He couldn’t have said anything worse if he’d actively tried. I had to do something. I didn’t care what these people thought about me, but I cared what they thought of him. Or rather, I hated that he would show them who he was—his fearlessness, his vulnerability—and they would think less of him for it, blind to the power in him, his tenderness, the sugar-twist of his cruelty, everything that made him worthy of the truest submission I could give.10

I found words, and made them carry. “I’ll do anything you want.”

Which was taken as assent from both of us.

I didn’t protest. I’d meant what I’d said. I’d do anything for Toby. I’d do this. I wouldn’t let them shame him or dismiss him.

Dismiss us.

Everyone cleared a space around the cross. I stilled my shaking hands, unbuttoned my shirt, and shrugged it off. It was probably nothing they hadn’t seen before, but still my skin crawled.

Robert handed Toby one of his floggers. Toby’s grip was awkward—the weight and length were probably all wrong for him. Whatever he did—perhaps he was trying to find the balance point, perhaps he was just trying to get used to the feel of it—sent the falls spinning chaotically until they wrapped around his wrist.

He yelped. “Ow, fuck. Um… Look… I don’t…”

Don’t laugh at him, you fucking bastards. Don’t fucking laugh.

“This is kind of heavier than I’m used to,” he muttered. Robert reached out and expertly untangled the tails.

“It’s bull-hide—heavy thud, with a bit of weight behind it. It used to be one of Laurie’s favourites. It’s a bit long for you, but I’ll show you how to compensate.”

“Or”—a different voice—“he could just use something better suited to his height and build.” Dom-the-dom eased out of the crowd. He was leather-clad as usual, holding a short-handled flogger, and I wished to God he wasn’t here to see this. But perhaps I deserved it. I hadn’t treated him well, after all. “Try this one… Toby, isn’t it?”11

Somewhat hesitantly, he swapped floggers. Then he grinned up at Dom. “This feels super nice.”

Toby’s smile should probably have been government classified. Even Dom went a little pink. “It’s, uh, elk, Scandinavian elk.”

“Oh wow, I’m glad I know where the elk came from.”

Dom chuckled. “Yes, his name was Sven. I’m afraid it’s all I’ve got with me with a shorter handle, and it’s shot-loaded so the balance should suit you. It’s a little bit softer than bull-hide, but it’s still got a decent thud.”

“Right. Thanks.” Toby adjusted his grip and threw a couple of figure eights.

To everyone’s ill-disguised surprise, they were perfectly competent. The tails went were they should, his wrist action was loose and fluid. For the first time since Robert had put a flogger in his hand, he looked comfortable. In control. But only I caught the curve of his lips, the glow of his eyes. He genuinely liked this.

There was a spattering of applause.

Then he crossed the dungeon to where I was waiting for him, went up on his tiptoes, and kissed me. “Are you all right?”

No. I nodded.

He peered at me doubtfully. “Are you sure? We don’t have to do this. I don’t care what they think. I only care about you.”

“I care.”

“Okay. Um…” He glanced past me, at the cross. I wasn’t sure how I would bear it if he chained me to it in front of Robert and Dom and all these people who had already done far worse to me. But I would. I would find a way. For him. “Can you just hold on or something? Like when you did me?”

I could hardly breathe. So I nodded again, turned, and obeyed. I tried to make myself open, receptive, like Noah had been, but my muscles were twisted into knots, tight with painful reluctance, and I couldn’t.

Toby must have sensed something wasn’t quite right, because he ran his palm over my shoulders and down my back.

I loved his touch, but just now I couldn’t bear it. It was an intimacy I couldn’t afford. It certainly wasn’t something I wanted to share with a crowd of onlookers. “Do it,” I told him. “Just do it.”

He stepped away, leaving me alone. I’d let strangers do this before even bigger crowds. There was no reason to be afraid now. No reason to be heartsick.

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