Page 96 of For Real

We’re at the back on a raised platform, and everybody else stands up as we file in. It feels really scary, and I’m so sure I’m going to fall over or do something wrong, but it’s fine. Once we’ve all found our places—I’m safely squished between Laurie and Jasper—the president bangs a hammer on the table and rattles off something in Latin.

Then there’s a screeching of chairs, and we sit down.

I must have a funny look on my face because Jasper pats my hand. “Next time, come on a Sunday and grace will be sung from the gallery.”

I’m not sure I want to hear grace being sung from the gallery—my head might explode from sheer weird—but I love that he says it so casually. Like it’s obvious I’m coming back.

Sherry’s opposite, next to this dark-eyed, intent man who tells me his name so softly I totally miss it, and a younger guy in a really rubbish cape who looks absolutely fucking terrified to be here. I think the quiet guy is some kind of librarian and the other one is some kind of graduate student.

Jasper’s pouring us water. I have at least three separate drinking glasses in front of me, and I count up four forks, so this is definitely going to be the awesome kind of dinner. Even my bread roll is delicious-looking, and there’s a saucer of individual butter florets.

I totally love this shit.

I lean over to Laurie and whisper, “Thank you for bringing me.”

And he gives me what Jasper calls his soupy look and whispers back, “Thank you for coming.”

I spot a discreet little card hidden behind the candelabra, which I guess has to be the menu. It’s gold-edged and topped off with the college crest, just like Jasper’s poncy invitation.

I nudge Laurie. “Dude, listen to this: roast squash soup with toasted pumpkin seeds and crème fraîche.”

“Um, yes?”

“What’s wrong with you? Doesn’t that sound delicious?”

He looks around at the people who are closest. “I do actually feed him.”

“Anticipation is part of the pleasure.”

“Of food?”

“Of any sensuous activity,” purrs Jasper.

Across the way, Sherry chokes on a mouthful of water, and I kind of cheer inside for Jasper because it proves the guy isn’t completely invincible.

Jasper twitches the menu out of my hand and reads it out in something that can only be called Sexy Voice. Promises of seared Cornish sea bass, roast venison loin, and apple crumble tart roll over me in a way that gets me all eager and quivery.

Yeah, I’m a glutton. I just really like food. Any food, honestly, as long as it’s good—even really simple stuff like scrambled eggs and cakes. But it’s sometimes nice to know you’ve got Calvados foam in your future. Even though I’m a bit dubious about foams in general. Sometimes they end up looking like you’ve spit all over the plate. Not good.

“How’s your anticipation now, Tobermory?”

I cough a bit. “Yeah…it’s getting…there.”

“And now you know”—Sherry smiles at us—“why Jasper has a fan page on Facebook.”

“Undergraduates.” Jasper makes a dismissive gesture.

“They adore him. They tweet about what he’s wearing and what he says. He has his own hashtag.”

For a moment, I think he’s taking the piss, but then I realise he’s not. He likes Jasper. He just likes him, in this completely uncomplicated way. And I get a bit sad for them because it feels like that ought to make everything simple.6

Except for all the ways it isn’t and doesn’t.

Then a waiter slides some roast squash soup in front of me, and I cheer right up again. Because shallow. It’s good soup, rich and creamy and a little bit spicy. The pumpkin seeds give it texture. Nom. All the nom.

I let the conversation drift away from me while I concentrate on the food. I think it’s got nutmeg in there. Ginger definitely.

When I next look up, Jasper seems to be randomly torturing Terrified Guy by complaining in this horrifically eloquent way about DPhil students who don’t do anything useful for society or humanity or the university, until Terrified Guy looks like he wants to drown himself in his soup. “Uh, what do you do, Jasper?” I ask as they’re taking away the bowls, just to get him off the guy’s case.7

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