Page 58 of Captive Heart

When she eventually lay limp across his hard thighs, sobbing quietly, Micah gentled his touch and rubbed away the sting and burn that smarted on her reddened skin.

"Are you going to talk to me now and tell me what's been going on in that pretty little head of yours?" he asked quietly, lengthening his strokes up her back and down her thighs.

Melody nodded her head and Micah helped her up, straightening her clothing and settling them both against the headboard, where he tucked her into the crook of his arm. When she didn't say anything, he took the lead.

"So, let's start with what you said earlier and why you didn't approach me about all of this."

Melody sighed, the fight all leached out of her. This wasn't the way she had imagined her spanking might end, when she’d confided in the other women about wanting to experience sex which centred around her for once in her life. But she supposed she owed Micah this much at least. If he understood, then perhaps he'd help her find someone, maybe allow her back in the dungeon—only the dungeon, this time—and she could try to approach Masters Flynn and Cameron again. Or maybe she should just give up the idea altogether. It was a selfish thing, after all, and, so far, it had caused nothing but trouble. A little trickle of defeat seeped into her cleansed mind. But that was okay. She'd dealt with far worse in her life.

"I told you I would try to provide anything that you need," Micah reminded her.

Melody took a deep breath and braced herself for the telling. A little humiliation never hurt anyone, she reminded herself. She should know that better than anyone. Though, why she should be embarrassed talking to Micah about it, and not the girls, she didn't quite know.

Because he's the one you're fantasising about, the one you'd really like to do something about it, a little voice whispered in her mind.

Yeah, but he doesn't need to know that, argued another.

"I know," Melody began. "But after the last time, you sort of backed off, and I felt like you didn't want to be responsible for me in that way. You already said you didn't want me for a slave, and you wouldn't take…other things from me."

She was feeling oddly vulnerable, and her voice broke over the last words. Melody cleared her throat and shrugged one shoulder.

"And then I got talking to Trinity, Laurel and the others and some stuff came up that happened in the past, and I started feeling guilty about it all over again. So I confided that I needed a spanking to help me process the guilt, but that I didn't think you'd be really comfortable providing it, after the way you distanced yourself the last time. And then there was…umm…some other stuff too, so Laurel offered to take me to the club as her guest. Trinity made me wait, but I still wanted to do it and I was really excited, but then it all went wrong, and I…" Melody trailed off, not knowing quite how to finish after the words finally all rushed out like some kind of dam breaking. She let out a long breath instead.

"I see," was all Micah said. Then, after he'd considered what she'd said, he asked, "Do you need to talk about the issue that led to you wanting a spanking?"

"Umm, no, I don't think so," Melody mumbled. "I've processed that, and I don't really want to rake it all up again," she replied, picking at the cuticles of the now neat nails Laurel had insisted on manicuring for her.

"Fair enough," Micah accepted with a single nod of his tousled head. "Then on to the 'other stuff' you wanted to experience in the dungeon. I hope you weren't searching for a whipping, because I've already told you I don't think any heavier kind of impact play is psychologically healthy after what you've been through. Spanking should be the limit for the moment. That may well change in the future. I have no doubt that you probably harbour some masochistic tendencies, but at least while I have any say in the matter, I want to make sure that you're exploring those for the right reasons. I think it's too soon, right now, to be doing that. I hope you'll accept my professional opinion on this."

"That wasn't what I was looking for," Melody replied quietly, her head still bowed as she stared at the heavy brocade coverlet on the ornate bed, as if it was the most fascinating thing she'd ever seen.

"Then, what?" Micah asked with a frown.

When she didn't answer straight away, he looked down and pinched her chin between his thumb and forefinger, raising her face so he could see her expression. He raised that signature single eyebrow in query once again, and Melody clenched her teeth, her eyebrows beetling together.

Micah just waited patiently, and Melody realised that he wasn't going to let it go. She was going to have to come clean.

"It was sex, okay?" She let out her breath in a huff and looked away, unable to look him in the eye while she said it. "I wanted to have sex with someone of my own choosing. I wanted someone to put me first and show me how good it could be. I wanted to replace the shitty experiences I've had with memories of something sweeter, and I wanted to bloody enjoy it! Is that so damn wrong?"

Melody shrugged out of his hold and scooted across to the far side of the bed.

It was too intimate, suddenly. She needed some space.

Dangling her legs over the side of the high bed, she wrapped her arms around her waist and sucked in the lip that had started to judder.

"It was a stupid idea, okay. I know that now. But I just thought, for once in my life, I could have something for me. And since you made it clear that you didn't want me, I thought maybe…someone else…"

Melody swallowed, her throat thickening to match the tears that pricked her eyes. She tried to blink them away, angry with herself for the weakness.

She shook her head in defeat. "It doesn't matter." It came out as a coarse rasp around the increasing ache in her throat and Melody looked up at the ceiling, willing the tears not to spill. She didn't want to be this pathetic, needy creature. Taking a stabilising breath, she let it out evenly.

As she shook her head sadly, she let her stiff back droop. "It doesn't matter," she reiterated with an air of finality. It was time to put that dream to bed.

The mattress dipped behind her, and Melody closed her eyes. She didn't want to see the pity in Micah's sympathetic gaze. She didn't want to sense the awkwardness her admissions might cause between them, either.

"I think I'll go to bed now," she told him, forcing herself to inject some strength and resilience into her voice, when all she really wanted to do was curl up and cry away the loss of her stupid, impractical hopes and pipedreams. She didn't want an audience for that, however.

Surely, he would leave her alone now she'd spilled it all and he knew there was nothing serious for him to have to worry about. Just some stupid little girl who thought she could conjure something beautiful where there had only ever been ugliness.

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