Page 35 of Captive Heart

Damn it, he knew damn well that she'd probably never asked for anything in her life. Either because it would have been denied, or worse, induce a punishment for her audacity.

How the hell could he deny her?

It cost him nothing to do so, except his own peace of mind which fought against Melody developing any kind of rescuer attachment, but only because he was well aware of the depth of his own saviour complex.

The two of them feeding off of each other could prove disastrous for Melody's long-term emancipation.

His own ingrained aspiration to relieve tormented minds was what had enticed him into the field of psychology in the first place. But he’d learned the hard way that sometimes his own desire to help might be used as a crutch rather than a deliverance.

Melody's desire to identify herself as his slave and have him as her master was a case in point, and Micah didn't want to enable a mind-set that had been cruelly beaten into her.

But breaking her of it, without breaking her, was a fragile and delicate balance. One that had him measuring every step, every action and reaction, because he'd also learned the hard way that he couldn't save everyone. It simply ravaged too much of his emotion. And the latent guilt, hanging over him from his past had burned him so savagely that he longer felt as if he could keep giving away little pieces of his soul.

Not if he wanted any left for himself.

But Melody? She called to him on a level that no other woman had ever done.

Maybe it was because she hadn't deliberately sought him out. Maybe it was the strength and determination he saw in her, despite the way she'd been treated. Maybe it was because he knew she had absolutely no one else on her side. And maybe it was because the similarities between her situation and Sara's had him wanting to make things right for her, so he could absolve himself of the guilt he felt at failing Sara.

Whatever the reasons, he knew that he was powerless to either deny her, or to defy his own need to help her.

Well, so be it. He'd just have to remain cautious in his actions and try to make sure that everything he did was truly for Melody’s own benefit, because the one thing he really didn't want was to facilitate her dependence.

As he looked down at where she lay, engulfed in the huge bed, which was built to fit three or more people, he realised that she had started to visibly draw into herself at his continuing silence.

Damned if he did, and damned if he didn't. The depiction flitted briefly through his mind as he gave in to both their needs and made his way around to the other side of the bed.

In all honesty, they could both sleep here without either of them being aware of the other one's presence, it was so immense. But as soon as he settled under the covers, Melody scooted over and wrapped herself around him, clinging like she was scared to let go.

"What's wrong with me, Micah?" she whispered, desperation coating her voice. "I never needed anybody before. I was never scared of the dark, or the cage, or even the idea of what he might do to me. I wasn't even afraid of dying. The reality made worrying about it futile. So why am I having these…these reactions, now that I'm safer than I have been for years? I feel so…anxious, so vulnerable, even though I know there's no logical basis in any of that. I lived with the expectation of death for years. It doesn't make any sense to find myself falling apart now that the threat is diminished. I don't like it!" she admitted mournfully, burying her head in his shoulder.

She was scared of her own feelings, Micah realised. She'd kept them bottled up for years, simply enduring. But today's events had shaken them up and let them loose. Now they were bubbling around in her head, unbalancing her emotions, and affecting the hard-won stability of what little peace of mind she had been able to engage during her incarceration.

"You've had a stressful few days," Micah told her, giving in and putting his arm around her thin shoulders. She just needed a little human contact and reassurance. "Despite the horrors of the past few years, your life had, at least, been constant. You had a roof over your head, enough food to keep you alive, and you knew pretty much what to expect from day to day, even if all those things were wretched and inadequate."

As she settled, he pulled the thick brocade bedspread up around them and snuggled them in.

"Once you decided to run, you lost what tiny bit of stability and familiarity you had. You were running blind with literally nothing to your name and no idea where you were going. In the beginning, you would have been fuelled by the adrenaline of your flight response. That's what gave you the energy to carry on despite your physical disadvantages. After that, your mind switched to survival instinct and all your thoughts and resources were concentrated on staying alive, on finding enough food, water, shelter, warmth, and safety."

Melody didn't interrupt, neither to agree or disagree and, at first, he thought she might be asleep, but a look at her face showed her eyes still open and alert, quietly drinking in every word.

"Eventually, your body hit saturation point, where it couldn't take any more, and that's when I found you. The shock of that, coupled with exhaustion and stress of the previous few days, caused both your body and mind to shut down, but once you accepted you were safe, things started to change."

A tremor rippled through Melody's slight frame, and she pressed closer to him. Micah couldn't help but wonder what was running through her mind at that moment, but he wasn't going to dredge up any more bad memories or risk unsettling her further by asking.

"I know that sounds like a bit of a contradiction, but, for the first time, your mind was able to …wander, if you like. To contemplate all of the other scenarios, all of the things that might have gone wrong.

On top of that, you've had your memories raked over, repeatedly, and you've been asked to delve deeper into them than you're comfortable with, and that has brought all of the atrocities you've suffered right up to the surface. Your mind has had to unlock all of those things it would have preferred to keep sealed. Coupled with that is the fact that your brain has finally relaxed the fight or flight responses, now your subconscious understands it's safe."

Micah felt another quake tremor through her and hugged her close without even thinking about it, his protective instincts outweighing his reservations.

"And now that you are safe, your mind is giving in to the natural fear of being captured and hurt again, because you finally have something better to look forward to."

Micah turned to face her properly and looked her straight in the eye. "Remember when you told me you had no fear of death, because sometimes it felt like that would be a relief from your torment?

She nodded.

“I think, now that you’re safe, your mind suddenly has a different set of priorities because now that you've found freedom, you finally have something to live for. In psychological terms, your brain is cataloguing the past and the present. The terror you previously felt is weighed against liberation and safety, and is exhibited as fear, because you don't want to go back to the way things were.”

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