Page 21 of KAI Tortured

For the last two months, I have been lost in guilt, remorse, and pain. The night I found them lying in their own blood plays like a loop in my head, torturing me relentlessly.

The bitter irony is not lost on me; I went against Logan and Orion, and now I have no one.

My fears regarding Maisy were confirmed. She’s been taken by the Slavs. To my informant, it didn’t look as if she was being treated bad. Who knows? Maybe she’s been in on all this. I just cannot grasp everything that’s been happening because I’m busy crucifying myself every moment of my existence.

Walking the path of despair is not fun. Could I have altered the course of events, had I been there? The question haunts me every day, and there’s no escaping it.

Even now, when I know Orion and Logan have pulled through, I’m ashamed to go and see them. They called, they asked for me. Messaged me. Sent men for me. But I’m a big pussy. I’m wallowing in remorse. I lost her, and I almost lost them. They’re better off by themselves. I’m just an unpredictable variable in their equation…in anyone’s equation. A joke. They’re better off without me.

And Maisy, she’s a blade in my already bleeding heart. The Slavs want to breed her, and I’m powerless to help her. They haven’t started yet, though; they’re waiting for something, but fuck knows what. And I know my stupid ass will ride my bike straight into the Slavs’ nest, expecting to save her, any day now. That will probably be the day I die. And I’m okay with that. I made my peace with it. I’m okay with dying.

While cooped up in my Long Island house, alone, I’ve been rejecting every visitor that comes. Not that I’ve had many. Zeena checks up on me from time to time, and I know she never rides alone; a few Delgados follow her everywhere.

She’s been here three times this week, each time bringing news on the Slavs. She’s been talking a lot about Logan and Orion, too. I just ignore it, because what will I do with that information?

I know they’re getting better. I know they’re staying at Logan’s penthouse. Orion has even given his house to Uncle Colletti to use as their headquarters, just like his father did. He’s given up on the house ever being secure. Or at least until the Slavs are gone. I bet he feels guilty about what happened. In his head, it’s because of him that they got hurt and Maisy got taken.

Today is one of those days when Zeena visits. She’s standing in front of me with a pity in her eyes I’ve learned to ignore. I don’t fucking care.

“I got a direct order,” Zeena starts.

I’m sitting and staring through the window, out to sea. My beard has grown and it fucking itches. I alleviate the itch with my can of beer, which I spill a little as I take a sip. A disgusting slob, that’s what I’ve become. I can’t stand myself.

“Who from? Your boss is right here,” I say, calm as the sea outside. April is coming, the sun is out more often, and everything is in full bloom. Except me. I’m dying inside.

“Last time I checked, the three families were working together and my direct orders from my boss, i.e. you, were to listen to the Cartes and Vitalis too.”

“Pfft,” I scoff.

“My direct order is to get your ass over to the Vitali penthouse. They’ve had enough of your wallowing. And frankly, so have I.”

“I’d like to see you try.” I finish the can of beer, crush it, and throw it at the trash in the corner that is overflowing with many more.

“You think I can’t?”

It sounds like she’s been waiting for this moment for the past two months, and I turn to look at her. She’s intense, resolute, and takes shit from no one. But can she take me? Who knows. I’d like to think my fists are more effective than her martial arts mumbo jumbo.

“Tell you what, I’ll let you shave first,” she adds.

“Haha, you’re funny,” I smirk, but in an instant, the chair is pulled from under me and I fall to the floor with a thud. “What the fuck, Zeena?!”

My coccyx feels like it almost broke. And that’s a fucking terrible injury to have.

“I ain’t taking any more of your shit, Kai. Just watch me take your ass to the Vitali penthouse in the next half hour.”

She takes a step toward me, maybe thinking I’ll flinch, but of course, I don’t. I never do, but what I realize is that I’m drunk in the middle of the day, on the floor, and miserable. And I’m definitely not capable of standing up to Zeena. I’d probably hit her if I tried, but in my state, she’d win for sure.

I stumble to my feet. “I don’t wanna fight you. Because, you know, I’d win,” I slur.

She snorts. “You cocky asshole. Your men need you to lead them, and here you are, afraid and alone, crying yourself to sleep.”

“Hey! I’m not afraid!” I point a finger at her. “I’m never afraid!”

“Then what is it? Why are you cooped up in here? What made you sink this low and avoid everyone? A girl?”

“Never mind why.”

“This has the Natasha stench all over it. Like back when you spent a year letting guilt eat you up.”

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