Page 42 of Redeem

I looked at him then, searched his expression for some reaction, but as was always the case with him, there was none.

“That is so fucking foul, isn’t it? The man’s dead, and I won’t even pretend I loved him,” I said.

“No,” he replied.

And something in that softly uttered word broke the dam. The words that I had never said out loud came, flowed without effort.

“I respected him, liked him, cared for him deeply, but I loved what he was going to do for me,” I said.

I met Ciprian’s eyes.

“What was he going to do?”

“He was going to give me a family. I never had a place of my own, people of my own. He was my chance,” I said.

“That’s why you love the house so much?” he said.

“Yes. People leave, they disappoint you. They die. But this house never will,” I said.

I went quiet for a moment, then looked at Ciprian again. “You’re not going to ask what happened to him?” I said.

“You’ll tell me if you want to,” he finally said.

It was the only time I could recall him hesitating about anything, but I was distracted, too wrapped up in my memories of the past to explore that hesitation too deeply.

“He was ambitious, more ambitious than anyone I’ve ever known,” I said.

Each word felt like a betrayal of my husband, but it also felt like I was taking a deep breath after being underwater. I’d never allowed myself to acknowledge any of the things I was saying, but now that I had started it seemed impossible to stop.

“That’s also fucked up, right? I’ve been castigating him and have been so angry with him for years, and for what? Because he was too ambitious?”

I looked at Ciprian again, but then looked away. I was still wrapped up in those thoughts, so much so that lying there was impossible. I jumped up, began pacing the room, uncaring that I was naked, finally giving voice to thoughts, feelings that I had squashed down for so long.

“He always wanted bigger, better, and he would go to any length to build it. There were times when I wished he was a gambler, drug addict, something that I could get my mind around. But no, his only problem was that he wanted too much, too fast.”

I thought the energy that was flowing through me was going to make me sick, but not nearly as sick as thinking back to the past.

“We met freshman year of college. I got dumped out of my last foster home with a bag of clothes and some well-wishes. He didn’t have much more. But he had dreams, and we were going to fulfill them. He taught me how to do construction.”

I thought back to the weekends and nights we had both spent working construction. It had been hard for me because most people didn’t take a woman seriously on a jobsite, but I had been committed, and he had to.

“We worked side by side, put ourselves through school, and then he opened his own company. It was a success,” I said.

I went still, thinking back to what had been the happiest time of my life.

The only happy time in my life.

“I thought we had made it. We got married, the business was running great, and we’re going to have some kids, build our dream house.”

I remembered how desperately I had wanted that. It had been what I had sought my entire life, my own home, my own family. Without thinking, I lifted my gaze to Ciprian, and in that moment realized the only thing that had been missing.

The life I was going to build with my husband would’ve made me happy, would have given me something I had never had before. How much better would it have been with the kind of love I felt now?

I didn’t know, and I paused to mourn the fact that I would never find out.

The energy, sadness at what I had lost, the exhilaration of realizing how much I cared for the man who was with me now was a propulsive combination that had me moving back and forth again.

“I told him we had plenty, that if we took time, the business would grow, but it wasn’t enough for him. I wasn’t enough for him.”

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